Forever Friends.

My ex has told me, “I told her she’d have to be okay with me hanging out with you.  You’re one of my best friends.  If she doesn’t like it she can go away.”

My good friend dropped by the office today to sign something for me.  We talked about an upcoming second date of his.  He said that we (he and I) should also hangout this coming Sunday.  I said, “So long as your probably-future-girlfriend is okay with it.”  Hesaid, “She’s going to have to be okay with our time together.”

Apparently I make a really good friend.  I feel a sadness knowing this.  Like, am I girlfriend worthy?  Will I ever be?  Maybe this is all back asswards.  I should be happy that I make such a good friend.  I know I should be.

Life.

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Awkward Dream.

I had a dream that my ex walked into my bedroom completely naked, with a boner.  I got up and went about my day and he followed me everywhere – naked, with a boner.  And his girlfriend was trailing behind him with a smile plastered to her face.  She was wearing a fancy dress.  If someone referred to her, they called her “Swamp Hag Big Bangs.”  I felt a mixture of pleasure and pity at the teasing.  Really, the dream was quite awkward.  My ex, naked, with a boner.  His girlfriend, following along.

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Inspired Tattoos.

I currently have three tattoos.  Two are butterflies, one is the word “love” shaped into a heart.  I really, really want more tattoos!!  O.o  I’m going to be the crazy old lady covered in tattoos.  🙂  (I’m not at all upset about this idea – obviously.)

So, I’ve been thinking about getting a bumblebee tattoo because my last name means bumblebee in German (now you all can go google that and find my last name).  Haha.  I’ve been googling and pinteresting bumblebees and tattoos of bumblebees.  I only like a few of the tattoos I’ve seen.

Anyway, I am a lover of the Harry Potter books.  Like, I am such a lover of Harry Potter that I would am seriously considering getting a tattoo reflecting my love of Harry Potter.  There are soooo many people who have already done so, too!  Who knew?!  I’m so jealous of their ink… the “I must not tell lies” in white ink on the back of their right hands, the symbol of the deathly hollows, the stars that are depicted in the books, Hedwig, Quidditch, quotes from Albus Dumbledore, “Mischief Managed” and “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good”…  Oh my goodness…  There’s so many wonderful ideas!  They’re endless!  I’ve caught (more of) the Harry Potter fever…

Btw, I’m currently on Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

**love**

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Butt Flaps.

O.o

So, I was somehow roped into doing a 5K with my coworkers.  I am NOT a runner.  At all.  Ever.  The 5K is on April 19th.  Naturally I put off training until yesterday (yay procrastination!).  I decided I may as well start with the Couch to 5K app that I put on my phone ages ago.  I made it halfway through the first workout.  Well, I mean, I did 30 minutes of walking/running, but only the first 15 minutes (ok, 13 minutes) involved me following what my phone was telling me to do.

And the really sad/funny/pathetic realization of the whole experience is this: I have butt flaps.

Yes.  Butt flaps.

I’m not an elephant, but I’m no pixie either (brownie points for recognizing where the pixie comment came from).  That said, when I did my first attempt at running/jogging I thought I had something stuck to the back of my pants or maybe caught on my shoe.  I ran a hand down my back side, didn’t feel anything.  Looked at my shoes, all was well.  Then I realized: oh, that’s the flab between my ass and legs hitting my butt.  Nice.  Butt flaps.

Ugh.

I will keep this up.  I will finish that 5K on April 19th even if I have to crawl over the finish line!

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Not like I actually cheated.

Hey, this reminds me of what my ex said!

thingsmyexsaid

What’s the quickest way to end an engagement? This.

(click to enlarge) (click to enlarge)

Ordinarily, I’d say she was the jerk for looking through his phone. However, when your sneaking suspicion turns out to be right… then it’s just women’s intuition.

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Daydreaming.

The printer has been broken since Wednesday.  I was barely in the office at all last week and did not know of the dilemma until Friday morning.  I asked why no one (coworker and her intern) said anything to myself or our boss.  We could’ve had it fixed in no time.  Anyway, yesterday I called the repair people.  They had to order a part.  Today it’s up and running again.

While I have my printer at my disposal to complete my billing, etc., I have been daydreaming instead.  I’ve been on Pinterest and YouTube.  I’ve been looking up pregnancy pictures and watching pregnancy announcement videos.

Nope.  I’m not pregnant.

I’m just dreaming about the day I find out that I am…

Knowing me, I’ll get pregnant accidentally on purpose so that I have a baby before I’m dead.  (This melancholy thing is vicious towards my self-confidence.)  I was thinking about how my parents would react.  The videos I’ve watched feature couples sharing the “happy news”.  In my foreseen situation, I would be making an announcement to my family in my parents’ home with happiness in my heart, dread in my stomach, and nervousness on my face.  I would be ecstatic.  But, my family would not be.  They would be thoroughly disappointed.

For now I’ll daydream.  Maybe sometime soon I can get serious about my accidental pregnancy.

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Running.

I cried much of the night.  The finality and resounding emptiness that was this amazing relationship crashed around me.  I thought about how his lips were hers, not mine.  How that boyish grin would be hers to wiggle out of him, not mine.  How there’s a chance they’ll be far happier than we ever were – and we had been so happy, once.

I relived the night I ended us.  The words, the tears, the regret, the heartache.

I knew this would happen.  (Didn’t I?)  We’ve both been dating-ish.  My dating has been half-assed.  I don’t didn’t want to move forward.  I wanted to believe that he’d want me back.  I wanted to believe that he would always be mine.

So, per usual when I’m shattered, I’m looking for jobs elsewhere.  Amarillo, Seattle, Mobile… anywhere but here.  Anywhere far from here.

I will apply for the jobs knowing that I probably won’t be interviewed for the positions because there are so many other people who are much more qualified.  I know that if I do get an interview, chances are that there will still be higher qualified candidates being interviewed.

Do I really want to leave?

RIght now, yes.  I have nothing holding me here.  But I don’t *want* to run away.  Where will that get me?  I’d be truly alone if I moved across the country.  Here I do have some friends.  I do have my ex, who is very insistent that we’ll always be friends, no matter where life takes us.

Sigh.

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Why Am I Here?

I’m at my ex’s.  I’m mooching his internet/tv.  I was looking around on Match.  A 38-yr-old popped up.  I was iffy as to whether or not I’d “like” him.

Ex: What do you have against 38-yr-olds?
Me: Nothing.  I just, I don’t know.
Ex: I’m dating a 37-yr-old.
Me: Huh?
Ex: Yeah, that chick I’ve gone on two dates with.
Me: Are you guys dating dating? Like official?
Ex: Yeah.
Me: Why am I here then?
Ex: What do you mean?
Me: (Men are so thick.)  Why am I here when you have a girlfriend?
Ex: You’re my friend. We’re hanging out.
Me: But. I don’t want her to not trust you. I don’t want to be a problem.
Ex: I told her you’re my best friend and that we’ll be hanging out.
Me: But would she really be okay with me staying the night? I mean, I know we’re not ‘doing’ anything, but still.
Ex: I told her we’d be hanging out and she has to be okay with that.

Okay, I get what he’s saying.  I do.  But I feel a bit ambushed.  Like, what?  You have a girlfriend? You have a girlfriend. And I’m hanging out with you.  Watching basketball, walking the dog, talking shit about your boss…

She is out of town at a wedding…

I’m here.

I feel awkward now.

Why am I here?

(Sigh.)

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The Power of Names

This week’s DPchallenge is asking us to look at names: “explore your history with names. What meaning does your name have to you? What power does it have over you? Do you have a nickname when you are at home, but not in the world at large? Or vice versa?”

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My given name has never been uttered on this site.  In fact, I’m not even sure if I’ve ever referred to myself with any kind of name.  For the purpose of this blog, I will share my name… (Can you feel my personal struggle to let this identifier out there – on the world wide web?)

I am not ashamed of my name.  My name is fairly uncommon for a woman.  I mean, I’ve met maybe 3 or 4 different ladies with my name, but each of us spell our names differently.  The power of my name is that my anonymity feels less secure in the fact that my name is uncommon – I’m more easily identified by others in my professional field and circle of friends.  “Hey, do you know Her?  Why yes, I know Her because she’s probably the only lady with Her as a name among social workers in this area, maybe even in the entire state.”

So alas, my name is Ricki.  My aunt once gave me a name card with the meaning of the name written across the top with a Bible verse below.  The card stated that Ricki means “peaceful ruler”.  According to BabyNames.com, “Ricky” is a boy’s names that means “brave ruler” and alternate spellings include: Rikki, Rickey, Ricki, Riqqi.

I was named after my father, Richard (shocker).  My parents had intended to have 2 children – they ended up with 5.

I do not dislike my name (anymore).  I do not love my name, either.  I used to really dislike my name because people would call me Ricki Lake.  I **HATE** that.  I am not Ricki Lake.  I am me.  No one else.  Don’t call me Ricki Lake. Ever. Period.  Thanks.

I do have an obsession with names.  I love to write down names that intrigue me.  My #1 baby boy name to use is Sean (God is gracious).  Sean has been my #1 boy name for years and years.  My #1 girl name has changed over the years.  Rose is my current favorite.  It has also been Cornelia, Josephine, Veronica, Natalie, and Miranda.

I tend to like different names based on how they sound, rather than their meanings.  For example, I love the name Penelope, which means “with a web over her face”.  Not the greatest meaning, but the name is beautiful.

When I think about the “power” of names, I tend to think of how I associate the name.  For example, I used to love the name Katie/Katherine.  However, my ex before my recent ex cheated on me with a Katie.  I no longer like Katie.  Katie is a cheating whore.  Or at least, an adulterous woman.  No good.  I could never name a child Dave/David because nearly every Dave/David I’ve met has been an asshole (my personal experience).  One of my grandmother’s first names is Della.  I love the name because she’s a beautiful lady.  I can see myself using the name Mark because he was my all-time favorite uncle – he passed away in May 2002.

Character names and celebrity names are powerful in that they can sway the names parents use for there children.  Isabella, anyone?  Isabella was ranked #60 in US births in 1999.  In 2001, Isabella was ranked #28.  In 2002, #14; in 2003, #11; in 2004, #7.  In 2007 Isabella was ranked #2 and in 2009, #1.  The latest stats are from 2012, in which Isabella is ranked #3.  I have a feeling that the name George will rise in popularity on the 2013 and 2014 name chart (you know, there was a prince born in July 2013 with the name George).  Currently George is ranked #166 in US births.

Side note: Ricki was ranked #941 in 1994 and #964 in 1995.  Since then “Ricki” has not been in the top 1000 names in the US.

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Work, work, work.

By the end of this week I will have worked 12 (maybe 13) straight days.  Also, by the time I worked this past week and this weekend I worked 62.5 hours.  Because of today’s weather (5+” of fresh snow) I was really, really hoping to take the day off.  However, my boss sent me a text at 730am saying she’d need the agency car for the week.  I, of course, had said vehicle’s keys attached to my own bundle of keys.  So, I got up, showered, grabbed my left over pizza, and headed to my car.  (When there’s more of a dusting of snow, use a shovel, not a broom.  I need a new broom.)  My usual 20 minute drive took 35 minutes.  Then, I waited an HOUR for my boss to get here.  She said she’d be here at 830am.  But nooooo.  I’m tired.  I think I’ll leave at noon-ish.  Sounds like a good idea.  Especially since I have to be back tomorrow at 7am.  Ugh.

Is it nap time yet?

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