Monthly Archives: August 2012

Feelings of Inadequacy

A friend from high school posted a question about married men looking at nake and half-naked women.  Two other friends from high school responded.

Woman’s argument: I forbid it. I say I’m his wife. He chose to marry me, and in that, he chose to cherish ME….not them. It’s me or other women, his choice, but not both. When a guy is bent on spending time in sexual thoughts and behaviors over other women, it’s disloyal to the sexuality he should have with his wife. A biggie is that it really makes a wife feel insecure, because when she knows that her husband thinks he ‘needs’ to get off on that raw, curvy, perfect-10, hardcore, sex-kitten image, the average woman, even with a healthy sex drive for her husband, just doesn’t feel like she can look that part and be that sexy. We’re insecure: we wish our boobs looked nicer, our waists looked firmer, and though I look pretty young now, I know I’ll join the ranks in due time self-conscious that my skin isn’t as youthful as a ‘hot’ girl’s. We don’t have photoshop. It really makes a wife feel like she’s inadequate when she knows her husband is digging an image so far from her, and makes her feel like she’s in a competition she can’t win; of course those centerfold girls and their raw, perfect sexiness win, and we feel like we pale in comparison. I wish husbands cared what that inadequacy feel likes, and how it makes us wives question if we’re really up to par when a husband acts on his drive to get sexual pleasure from other sources, especially when we know darn well that that kinda woman he’s ogling and spending time fantasizing over is so much more classically sexier than us, and so different than who we are, who he supposedly loves. I don’t ogle over men, and if I did, my conscience would scream. I’M in love with him and should live my life drawn to my husband, and time spent wishing over others would be breaching that love. I know men say it’s just visual, but when that’s what they’re spending time wanting and seeking time with, it’s more than visual. It’s a drive for another woman and time spent in her sexuality and the seeking of a body not his wife’s for sexual needs. When husbands do that, it makes a woman feel like “Does he love that…that sort of woman with that sort of aura….or ME?”

Man’s argument: Well I’m not married, but here is a quick question. Are all you ladies running around naked and half naked all the time??? If so then he may have an issue. If not, then give it a rest. Men ARE visual, (there have been studies about this type of thing….type it in on Google ‘visual stimulation for men’…the first link is for Oprah and Dr Phil.) in most cases it’s pretty likely the guy has forgotten about the porn star on the computer about five minutes after it’s off. If your dude is constantly at a strip club or ogling all the girls/women in real life then maybe you need to worry. Also being a guy, I CAN give you firsthand knowledge about looking at every girl there is. I forget about 96% of them by the time I have gone into the next aisle at a supermarket. You know how people joke about someone being distracted by something “shiny”? Well for lots of guys a cute girl running around in almost no clothes at the store is the equivalent. If we weren’t visual do you think that all the women would be out there in the retardedly short shorts and skirts etc and tight shirts??? There have been studies about sex as well, and how men are visual for that and women are emotional. Face it, our brains operate differently. We can be empathetic to your feelings of inadequacy but chances are that will make you feel even worse, because face it guys don’t hardly ever say the right thing at the right time. And also I have enough female friends to know that you all look at the postman or whoever else,,, you just think about it differently….like I wonder what it would be like to go on a date with him etc? Or you read 50 shades of grey. Same thing or pretty close. You women in particular may not, but lots of women do, otherwise that book wouldn’t be a best seller.

Woman’s response: It is very true that men and women think incredibly differently, but that doesn’t make breaching stuff that should stay between a man and a wife any better or worse (this includes women, too, and yes, I agree that getting wrapped up in the sexuality of romance novels is certainly a parallel). That said, there’s still quite a gap of difference between catching an eyeful of badonkadonk happening by in the grocery store and typing it into Google. I can get past the glances (though I prefer he think to look elsewhere when he realizes what he’s doing), but the betrayal of a husband actually actively SEEKING and CHOOSING “Hey, I’m going to spend this time right now getting off on some chick light years hotter than my wife (or anyone besides my wife, hot, butterface, or otherwise)” feels a lot to a wife like he’s having a one night stand with someone that can do a lot more for his libido than she can ever hope to do. We see those women, and it hurts because we feel like we can’t even compete; we feel like a quarter horse (aging quarter horse, chubby quarter horse, enter flaws here) stuck into the Kentucky Derby: how can we hope to feel our husbands think we’re in the same league as THAT? When they’d rather flip on the computer than cuddle up with us, we get it: we lose, those women win again, and it hurts and makes us feel used and cheated on to find ourselves stuck in a losing competition. We like to think that we were swept off our feet because we were important and special, and we feel stupid to realize we apparently weren’t special enough to be wanted more than anyone else.  I know I’ve said a lot of stuff. I’m not trying to be harsh or mean, but I know this is a steep issue that affects a lot of couples, and maybe men seeing women’s take and raw feelings can help them see how much this stings wives and why. It’s not just women being jealous or not getting the visual thing. It’s knowing the husband is acting on fulfilling a sexual attraction to someone else, and it makes us feel…sad.  But yes, it’s very true that women have their typical ways of breaching things, too, and they shouldn’t be into their own forms of that, either.

I completely, totally understand.  When I was dating my ex-boyfriend, I came across a folder on his computer that was filled with pictures of women – naked women, clothed women, skimpily-clad women, multiple women, men and women.  I was so hurt and heartbroken.  I had been uploading pictures because I was putting together a scrapbook.  Being the woman I am, I continued searching his computer.  I found another file filled with pictures of lingerie.  His internet browsing history was filled with various XXX websites.  I was crushed.  These findings, among many other things, were a prominent reason he and I did not pan out.

I felt ugly. I felt fat. I felt distasteful. I felt humiliated, stupid, and petty.  I felt like a fool.  When two people make a committment to each other – dating, engagement, or marriage – they should be just that: committed.

Because of my experiences with my ex-boyfriend, I have a really, really bad habit.  I check my boyfriend’s computer, cell phone, etc. for any sign or indication that he is looking at things he shouldn’t or stockpiling pictures and/or videos of women, or that he is thinking about or perhaps is cheating.  I feel terrible about this behavior.  I cry when I search through his browsing history.  The crazy thing is that I actually trust him to not do these hurtful things to me, but I do not trust myself to recognize the signs of cheating (yes, looking at naked women is cheating).  My boyfriend has not given me (many) reasons to question his fidelity to me.  I feel like a horrible person.  I’m being unfair to him.

I’m so sorry honey.  I love you.

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Clarifications

I think I need to clarify a couple of points from my previous blog…

1. I do dislike my job.  I am a Foster Care Social Worker and I moonlight as a college professor.  I don’t mind the kids so much as the adults… That is, the kids with whom I work, my adorable, sweet, innocent darling children make my life a little brighter.  My boss (egotistical asshole) is only one person who makes life miserable at work.  The birth parents can be rather — stupid — but I expect that.  The paperwork is definitely an enemy of mine… Ugh! I so strongly dislike paperwork that I really want to tip the scale a bit further and just say that I **hate** paperwork!

2. When I say that I like cussing, smoking, drinking, and sex, I don’t mean that I get some kind of life fulfillment from these activities.  Using profanity is like using any other word.  Why say crap when I can say shit?  What’s the difference in their meaning?  Smoking used to be a social thing for me… Now I’m up to like a half pack a day (oh, I should really cut back!).  I enjoy smoking because during those three minutes, I get a little me time, or a little social time.  I don’t (usually) drink to get drunk.  I will have a beer or two with my pizza or wings, a glass of wine with my dinner, a few mixed drinks if I’m out with friends.  I find nothing wrong with that.  Generally, everyone who is in a relationship enjoys, loves, and definitely gets fulfillment from sex.  The intimacy is my favorite…  *blushes*

I guess the blog is going in an if-you-really-want-to-know-how-I-feel-about-something-then-read-this kind of direction.

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Things that Make Me Classically Dysfunctional

Some would agree that I am a “classic case of dysfunction” in that I’m just as dysfunctional as the next person…  But, I have some uniquely dysfunctional qualities about me, morals that I struggle with, concepts that make total sense and yet are hard to grasp…

1. I live with my boyfriend.  ← That in and of itself isn’t necessarily dysfunctional UNLESS you know my family.  Maybe my parents and siblings aren’t as naive as I believe them to be.  But, they are very much of the traditional kind.  No sex before marriage.  No living with your significant other…

2. I dislike my job. ← Again, not necessarily dysfunctional.  My boss is an egotistical asshole.  That sums him up pretty nicely.  🙂

3. I cuss.  I drink.  I smoke.  I’ve done drugs (I do not do drugs — although given the right circumstances…).  No only do I cuss, drink, and smoke, I LIKE doing those things.  Oh. And I have sex.  Again, my parents/siblings/extended family would be utterly appalled to know that I’m such a blatant sinner.

4. I don’t know how to clean.  Ok, I know **how** to clean.  I figured out that baking soda and peroxide make a miracle cleaning paste that can turn a yellow crust-covered stovetop into a gleaming white surface again.  The part that I have a problem with is keeping up with it all.  I have a boyfriend and two dogs.  And a roommate.  Disclaimer: the roommate is not our pet.  One would think that I could manage to keep a kitchen (and dining room, living room, bathroom, and bedroom) in decent shape…

I haven’t quite decided what this blog is going to be about.  I’m sure my ramblings will attain some kind of shape over the next few weeks and months…  I stopped blogging on a regular basis some time ago.  Perhaps now is the time to jump back in to something I once loved.

Good day.

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