Today I am reflecting on relationships…
When I was a senior in high school, I thought that I had met the man that I would marry. Some do find their lifelong love in high school. My sisters both found their husbands while in high school. I was not so – I do not want to say “lucky” or “fortunate” because I love my boyfriend and would have missed out on him if I had married that guy. So what word should I use? … I’m not sure.
I was thinking about my HSS (High School Sweetheart) the other day and how much I’ve changed since that time. Looking back I feel as though I was a blank notebook. HSS was the first guy to show me compassion, passion. The words he wrote on my pages were uplifting, flattering, kind, fun, adventurous. The memories that filled me from the first couple of years we knew each other were blissful. I was determined to never let HSS go. He made me so happy. The first time HSS kissed me was electrifying. Surely such a kiss from such a man would mean that he and I were “meant to be”. Right?
Something changed. I’m still unsure of what took place. I do not have his thoughts and feelings written in our notebook. I say “our notebook” because I have several notebooks filled with stories, memories, feelings, people, places, etc. I do know that one day he said that we were not “meant to be”. Suddenly, I felt as though someone had reached inside of me, took ahold of my heart and squeezed and twisted and wouldn’t let go. How could he? What did I do? Questions filled the pages. I never found the answers.
Five years and a several notebooks later HSS emailed me. I initially jumped for joy! He’s back! But then I looked through all the pages that we had filled together and I knew that HSS had his reasons for taking leave. I agreed to letting HSS stay the night with me. WHY?! I cried before I saw him. I cried during our conversations. I cried when he left the next day. I realize now that I needed to have closure. I never felt that we had said goodbye, that our final chapter had ended. While I still have that notebook I created with HSS, the pain doesn’t hit me when I puruse the pages. We created an awesome book together. Among the pages are laughter, road trips, song, dance, merriness, tears, heartache, love, dislike, and everything in-between. The book is finished.
Another two years lapsed, a few more notebooks were filled…
When I met my boyfriend, I had notebooks filled on topics such as lust, sex, frienships, joy, and brokenness. I can use these books as references for how I act and react to our experiences with each other. Our own book has stories of sappy moments, dog tales, housing woes, yardwork fun, motorcyle rally craziness, long-distance issues, contentment… Our relationship will probably never be “picture perfect,” but I would never want a picture perfect relationship. Life is more interesting when the camera isn’t always on-point, when the pen never leaks, and when the sky rains while the sun is shining.