Monthly Archives: September 2013

From Time to Time

From time to time
I can light up a room
With my laughter and brightness
And not a shred of gloom

From time to time
I am just pretending
Filled with dread and sadness
And sure the darkness is never ending

From time to time
I am genuinely happy
Gliding through sunshine
Feeling quite lovely and chatty

From time to time
I am so very sad
Grasping at straws
Not sure if I’ll ever be glad

From time to time
I’m somewhere in between
Neither happy nor sad
Just thankful the grass is green

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In-Law Love.

I love my boyfriend’s parents. 🙂

Yesterday I needed to pick my bf up from his parents’ house after work. He and his dad worked on a job together and because my bf’s car is still MIA, I have to drive him to/from work most days. So, I got to his parents’ house about an hour before my bf arrived there. I (totally and completely) arrived early on purpose so that his mom and I could chat about the BS that’s been going on.

She told me that she would “whip that boy’s ass” if he didn’t straighten up. She also said that his dad is really upset with him because his dad apparently loves me too. Who knew? 🙂

In-law love is the best.

(Yes, I know they’re not technically my in-laws, but they basically are.)

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I spent a good bit of this morning crying.  I cried when I left the house this morning.  I cried during part of my drive to work.  I cried for a good 20 minutes once at work (after I remembered no one else was coming to the office today – can’t have ppl walking in on my emotional crisis).

I have started a semi-serious apartment/house search.  That is what started my office crying.  The more I think about my current situation, the more I realize that my boyfriend and I will end up in separate housing – it’s inevitable.  Perhaps that is negative thinking.  I feel that I’m being realistic.

He really wants to help his sister out of her bullshit situation.  In order to do that they need to get a place together for at least a couple of months until she can find a job and support herself and her two children.  In the meantime, he and I will (more than likely) not live together.  Technically we could all live together, but in order for my boyfriend and I to really work on our relationship, we both feel that a total separation and restart is necessary.  That does not make any of this easier.

I was looking back through my text messages.  The last time I got an “I love you” text was on September 6th.  After our big blow-up, he told me I shouldn’t tell him that I love him because he feels obligated to say it back.  I told him that I do love him.  That I am just saying what I feel.  He said that he loves me too, but that he wants to step back from everything, to slow down…  I feel like he has completely stopped.

Last night I cried before bedtime because I really, really wanted a kiss (and now I’m tearing up again).  I was standing in the living room trying to breathe, but not hyperventilate, trying to play it cool…  I am so  bad at that!  He asked what was wrong.  I said, “I’m not sure what to do.”  He said, “I thought you were going to bed.”  I said, “I am.”  He said, “Ok.”  He then said, “Do you need a goodnight hug?”  I said, “Sure.”  I hugged him so tight and so long.  I didn’t want to let go.  Being in each other’s arms felt so nice, so right.

I miss him.

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Explantion. Sort of.

Some shit has gone down between me and my fiance boyfriend… whatever he is…

I have cried my eyes dry several times over the last two weeks.  We’re still together. Sort of.  Trust is such a fragile, precious ideal (is that the word I’m looking for?).  Once Trust has been nicked, Jealousy and Suspicion seep into the wound.  Once Jealously and Suspicion are present in the midst of Trust, Sneakiness and Creeping take over, at which point, Surprise and Sorrow become mingled together and eventually Devastation is born.  Sometimes, Jealously and Suspicion end up being pleasantly surprised when they find that Loyatly has been kept intact.  At that point Respect and Trust grows together to form Deep Appreciation.

This was not my case.  Devastation was definitely born.

I will not go into exactly what happened.  I’m sure you may be able to figure that out. Sort of.

At this point my boyfriend and I have “started over”.  How do we do that?  How do we go back to the beginning?  Before the beginning?  We know each other.  We know so much… And we will each know what the other has done to cause the current situation.

Can Trust truly be healed once Devastation has born his ugly head?

My boyfriend’s sister is in her own crisis.  She and her husband are (finally) getting a divorce (probably).  Sidenote: I do not condone or support flippant decisions to divorce.  This has been a looonng time coming.  Really, she should have left him long ago.  Anyway, she wants to move to our area.  She wants to get a place for her, her kids, and my boyfriend.  I’m not part of the equation.

My boyfriend thinks this will give us an opportunity to actually start dating properly again.  I see his point.  And maybe an actual separation like this would be good for us.  Maybe Trust can be learned or earned again after a true separation and new beginning.

I’m not sure what I’m to do though… My boyfriend and I have lived together for over 1 1/2 years.  Speaking financially, I rely on him for half of the rent money.  Our rent really isn’t that bad for our location.  I doubt I could afford an apartment on my own.  Unfortunately we moved more than 3 hours away from the last place we lived and I know very few people in this area.  What am I to do??  Post an ad on Craigslist for a freaking roommate?!  I have enough stuff to fill a 1 BR apartment by myself.  I have my own furniture.  If I move into an established apartment, with someone looking for a housemate, chances are that my furniture will need to go into storage.


Logistically, I think this is a good idea.  This would give us time to each really think about our current situation and figure out what is best for us as individuals and as a couple.

I have felt as though I am on the verge of a panic attack for nearly two weeks.  My mind keeps recounting everything we’ve said and done… Everything that hasn’t been said and done…

I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know where to go.  I don’t know…………….  I just don’t know.

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Life Complications.

I don’t know what to do.

Why is everything so freaking complicated?!

I aparently only feel like blogging when my life is in an upheaval. **sigh**

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