Explantion. Sort of.

Some shit has gone down between me and my fiance boyfriend… whatever he is…

I have cried my eyes dry several times over the last two weeks.  We’re still together. Sort of.  Trust is such a fragile, precious ideal (is that the word I’m looking for?).  Once Trust has been nicked, Jealousy and Suspicion seep into the wound.  Once Jealously and Suspicion are present in the midst of Trust, Sneakiness and Creeping take over, at which point, Surprise and Sorrow become mingled together and eventually Devastation is born.  Sometimes, Jealously and Suspicion end up being pleasantly surprised when they find that Loyatly has been kept intact.  At that point Respect and Trust grows together to form Deep Appreciation.

This was not my case.  Devastation was definitely born.

I will not go into exactly what happened.  I’m sure you may be able to figure that out. Sort of.

At this point my boyfriend and I have “started over”.  How do we do that?  How do we go back to the beginning?  Before the beginning?  We know each other.  We know so much… And we will each know what the other has done to cause the current situation.

Can Trust truly be healed once Devastation has born his ugly head?

My boyfriend’s sister is in her own crisis.  She and her husband are (finally) getting a divorce (probably).  Sidenote: I do not condone or support flippant decisions to divorce.  This has been a looonng time coming.  Really, she should have left him long ago.  Anyway, she wants to move to our area.  She wants to get a place for her, her kids, and my boyfriend.  I’m not part of the equation.

My boyfriend thinks this will give us an opportunity to actually start dating properly again.  I see his point.  And maybe an actual separation like this would be good for us.  Maybe Trust can be learned or earned again after a true separation and new beginning.

I’m not sure what I’m to do though… My boyfriend and I have lived together for over 1 1/2 years.  Speaking financially, I rely on him for half of the rent money.  Our rent really isn’t that bad for our location.  I doubt I could afford an apartment on my own.  Unfortunately we moved more than 3 hours away from the last place we lived and I know very few people in this area.  What am I to do??  Post an ad on Craigslist for a freaking roommate?!  I have enough stuff to fill a 1 BR apartment by myself.  I have my own furniture.  If I move into an established apartment, with someone looking for a housemate, chances are that my furniture will need to go into storage.

**sigh**

Logistically, I think this is a good idea.  This would give us time to each really think about our current situation and figure out what is best for us as individuals and as a couple.

I have felt as though I am on the verge of a panic attack for nearly two weeks.  My mind keeps recounting everything we’ve said and done… Everything that hasn’t been said and done…

I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know where to go.  I don’t know…………….  I just don’t know.

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