Inevitable.

I spent a good bit of this morning crying.  I cried when I left the house this morning.  I cried during part of my drive to work.  I cried for a good 20 minutes once at work (after I remembered no one else was coming to the office today – can’t have ppl walking in on my emotional crisis).

I have started a semi-serious apartment/house search.  That is what started my office crying.  The more I think about my current situation, the more I realize that my boyfriend and I will end up in separate housing – it’s inevitable.  Perhaps that is negative thinking.  I feel that I’m being realistic.

He really wants to help his sister out of her bullshit situation.  In order to do that they need to get a place together for at least a couple of months until she can find a job and support herself and her two children.  In the meantime, he and I will (more than likely) not live together.  Technically we could all live together, but in order for my boyfriend and I to really work on our relationship, we both feel that a total separation and restart is necessary.  That does not make any of this easier.

I was looking back through my text messages.  The last time I got an “I love you” text was on September 6th.  After our big blow-up, he told me I shouldn’t tell him that I love him because he feels obligated to say it back.  I told him that I do love him.  That I am just saying what I feel.  He said that he loves me too, but that he wants to step back from everything, to slow down…  I feel like he has completely stopped.

Last night I cried before bedtime because I really, really wanted a kiss (and now I’m tearing up again).  I was standing in the living room trying to breathe, but not hyperventilate, trying to play it cool…  I am so  bad at that!  He asked what was wrong.  I said, “I’m not sure what to do.”  He said, “I thought you were going to bed.”  I said, “I am.”  He said, “Ok.”  He then said, “Do you need a goodnight hug?”  I said, “Sure.”  I hugged him so tight and so long.  I didn’t want to let go.  Being in each other’s arms felt so nice, so right.

I miss him.

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