Monthly Archives: October 2013

Job Search.

I am currently searching for a job.  I still have my current position and am not in any way in jeopardy of loosing my job.  And, I do like the agency for which I am working.  The hours suck.  The pay really sucks.  But, overall I really like my job.

I am job searching for any social work position anywhere within the United States.  Preferably far away from where I am currently living… Or maybe not.  I don’t know.  I’m doing this more out of spite than anything else.  I figure if my bf wants me to  move out, then I should go far, far away.

I’m angry.  I’m hurt.  I’m confused.

Therefore, logically (or not so), I’m job searching.

Anyone know of any social work positions that are actively hiring?

SIDENOTE: My sister called.  I’m on the phone with her right now.  Talking with her is very irritating.  She talks with me for about 10 seconds (no exaggeration) and then yells at/talks to her kids for 5 minutes.  As they are screaming in the background I just want to hang up the damn phone.

Yup.  Still angry.

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Truth and Trust.

A crucial component of being able to trust is knowing the other person is telling the truth.

The whole reason my bf and I are in this fuckeduppernshit situation is because of deceit.  Because my faith in his honesty was shaken, I now question everything that he tells me.  Every night he goes outside and “talks with his sister”.  Sometimes I know it’s legit because he’ll come back in and tell me about their conversation.  Other times I really wonder if that’s what he’s doing.  The times he’s out there for 2+ hours or the times he is vague about the conversation, I really find myself doubting what he is doing.  Sure, he may be talking on the phone, but with whom??  I hate this sinking feeling.

I went out to smoke and he wasn’t there.  I figured he was walking around talking… At that point he’d been gone for almost 2 hours.  I came back in but couldn’t stay inside for long.  I went back out and smoked again.  When I got back inside, I sat down.  Then I got up and peeked out of our window to see if he was sitting out front.  Nope.  So, I opened the front door to see what I could see.  Nothing…

**sigh**

Why?  What am I doing?  Where is this going?  How will we ever move forward if truth and trust cannot be established?

I need to cry.  I need to pray.  He and I need to talk.

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Actionable Love.

A couple of weeks ago I said, “I love you” just before getting off the phone with my boyfriend.  I didn’t mean to, really.  Isn’t that a problem?  Saying “I love you” should never be a mistake.  As humans we tend to get into a routine.  Some are good, some are bad, and some are neither.  When I said “I love you” to him, I did mean that I do love him, but I said the words out of habit and routine, not because I was feeling especially affectionate towards him at that time.  Of course the expression of love shouldn’t be limited to only when we’re happy.  Love is not merely a feeling.  Love is a verb, something that is actionable.  When I do laundry and dishes and vacuum and take the dog out every morning, that’s part of love.  That is me showing him that his environment is important to me.  When I let him sleep longer than I really think necessary, that is me showing him that his mental and physical well being is important to me.  When I drive him to work each morning and pick him up each evening (which adds an hour to my commute each way) because his car is a piece of crap, that is me showing him that I care about his financial stability.  All of these things I do for my boyfriend are extensions of the love I feel for him.

And in one month I will be moving out.  Why? Because his sister is coming back with her two kids and he needs to help her out for a few months while she gets on her feet.  And because we can’t “work on our shit” while we live together.  Those are his words.  This is why I think I’m moving out: He needs time/space to figure his shit out.  **sigh** While my friends around me continue to pop out babies and get married, I will move out.  I’m not sure how long I should give him to figure said shit out.  The only reason I’ve agreed to this cockamamie idea is because I love him and want to show him through this action that I support him and his need to do whatever it is he’s doing.  But, there’s definitely going to have to be some sort of time limit.  I can’t wait forever…  And that thought makes me very sad…

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