Monthly Archives: November 2013

My Week in Haiku.

Match dot com, oh boy!
A woman messaged me
Time to go explore

Supervised visit
Five long hours on the road
The kids had much fun

Social workers work
Together for children’s good
I love my comrades

Friends, kids, ex-boyfriend
Turkey, pies, and all the sides
A good day in all

Home alone again
Afternoon shopping in town
Tree decorated


I know I’m late with the Haiku Catchoo DPChallenge, but I thought I’d do it anyway.  🙂

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I have read my previous post at least 300 times.  I am reading it so I can be really, really familiar with the words when the time comes to read it on Christmas Eve… That way when I start tearing up I’ll still know the words…

I seem to blog during extreme times of my life.  Not so much when everything is nice and smoothe.  When something exciting is going on or when I’m in turmoil, I feel the need to express myself.  I don’t think I’m the best writer in the world, but I’m certainly not one to sit and paint in order to let my feelings out.  I’m usually better at expressing myself with written words.  If I need to have a difficult talk with someone, I’ll write down what I want to say just in case I can’t find the words when the time comes to converse…

Anyway…  I should probably take a shower or something.  Maybe eat some breakfast…


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Christmas Poem.

This is a poem
For our father dearest
Which I’ll read aloud
So everything is clearest 

I do apologize
For this is Christmas Eve
These words need spoken
Before we take our leave

In two-thousand eleven
On October twenty-eighth
I met a man named Ron
He was such an ace 

We called and text
Emailed and Facebooked
Chatted all the time
We were completely hooked

 Not long after New Years
We committed long-term
Boyfriend and girlfriend
Our affection was firm

You’re the best
I would often state
And he truly was
That is until of late

We were happy for 2 years
Blissful in everything
Love, respect, joy, and laughter
This was no fling 

Ron was thrown some curve balls
Into a depression he sank
His rosy demeanor vanished
And now I shall be frank 

I knew of his troubles
Financial, family, and feuds
He was becoming hateful
He was quite rude

I knew there was more
So I went through his email
What I found let me know
That I had surely failed

Her name was Amy
I read every word
I saw her naked body
I found it all absurd

I was filled with rage
I’d never been so hurt
I wrote him a note
I told him he was dirt

I cried and cried
And then I cried some more
How could he do this?
She must be a whore

I messaged her on facebook
To give her a piece of my mind
Ron blamed me of course
Told me I wasn’t kind

He slept on the couch
I cried in bed
I’m leaving him
At least, that’s what I said

For the next three months
We battled and fought
We’d never bickered before
Now that’s all we thought

Ron would call me names
I told him he was a dick
He told me to get over it
I told him, not so quick

I knew that he had troubles
In areas other than home
I tried to give him time and space
I felt so alone

Once I moved away
Things simmered down a bit
But I could still sense
That he was still being a dick

After he was settled
I told him I was through
I could not do this
When he wasn’t being true

He said he was sorry
He knows that he’s an ass
He said that he still loves me
My heart shattered like glass

I made one thing very clear
He would have to fight
If he ever wanted me again
He’d have to prove his right

So now father
I turn to you
You’re supposed to be a model
What am I to do?

I cannot ask
Because as I understand it
You’re also an ass

Our mother is so sad
Your father is cheating
Mom confided in me
You, father, deserve a beating

Do you not know
Of your wife’s love
Has she not shown you
She goes beyond and above

And here you sit before us
Your fancy phone in tow
Chatting up your harlot
I think everyone should know

Maybe you haven’t screwed
But you’ve certainly crossed a line
A marriage is between husband and wife
And no one else combined

I know you know you’re wrong
Yet you still continue
And that is why I say
How freaking dare you

As I said before
You’re supposed to be a model
Your children need a leader
Someone we can follow

Your wife needs a husband
A man she can trust
A friend for the ages
This is a must

I believe in marriage
The vows that are made
Do not take them lightly
Never let them fade

I think I’ve said enough
I’ll draw to a close
I hope you contemplate
Everything I have composed

Regardless of your sins
Our father you remain
Your wife still loves you
And that will never change


I’m seriously considering printing this on fancy paper and reading it to the family on Christmas Eve – it’ll be my dad’s present.

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I’m generally an easy-going gal.  I tend to take things in stride as life throws stuff at me.  Sometimes I do take offense to what others say to me… And I’m not offended about what someone says so much as how the words are said.

Example: I decided to go ahead and reopen my OkCupid account.  Some guy, we’ll call him M-OKC, was messaging me and I read his profile and he seemed to be an okay guy.  We went out for pizza and I realized that a.) he’s cheap, b.) he’s odd, c.) he’s just – weird.  I don’t mind weird.  Hell, I’m weird.  But his weirdness is of the sketchy-type… You know, the kind of person you know you probably should avoid being alone with in a dark alley?  Anyway, we go our separate ways and to keep him at bay I told him that I realized I’m not ready for a relationship at this point because I’m still too in love with my (ex) bf.  That’s totally true, but was just an excuse to get this guy to leave me the hell alone.  He doesn’t get the hint.  He sent me a text yesterday, “What’s a gorgeous woman like you doing tonight?”  I had had enough.  He had sent me texts with “baby” and “honey” and “sweetheart”.  Being that I think he’s the creepy-sketchy type of guy, I took offense to the “endearments” if you can call them that…  I told him to stop because I didn’t like the terms.  “Why does it bother you?”  OH MY GOSH!  I just wanted to scream at him!

Why does it bother me that you’re calling me baby?! Because you’re a gross man.  You make me feel sick.  You think that you’re some gift to women.  Well, when you stare at me with your beady, narrow eyes I want to vomit. And when you you smile and show your yellow teeth I want to run away.  I got all of that from a couple of hours at CiCi’s.  The whole time I was thinking, please don’t touch me.  Yes, I’m offended that you think I should just let you use special terms of endearment after a few hours of talking to each other.  I’m not yours.  And I never will be.  **shudders**

I told him that I thought that calling me “baby” when I’m not his is sexist and demeaning.  Who the hell are you to call me baby?  I’m not your baby.

This is what I get for getting back to online dating so quickly.

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After visiting with my sister, brother-in-law, and brand new nephew in the hospital for a few hours, I met my parents, brother, and other nephew for dinner.  After dinner my mom and I went back to the hospital with my nephew so he could visit with his baby brother for a bit.  On the way there this conversation unfolded:

Mom: I’m seeing a counselor.
Me: Oh yeah? Why’s that?
Mom: Well, your dad and I are having problems.
Me: Ok.  Well, is the counseling helping? Are you both going?
Mom: No. Just me.  Well, your father has come twice.  I’m going more out of spite than anything.  I guess you can know what’s happening.
Me: Alright.
Mom: Your father found a friend from high school on Facebook.  They were messaging back and forth. (I’m sure if darkness hadn’t fallen that she would have seen the color drain from my face.)  Then he told her that she could email him on his work email!  I told him that I didn’t have a problem with them talking, but it should be on our joint email.
Me: Oh dear.
Mom: Yeah, so then I find out he’s been emailing her and texting with her and skyping with her.  You know his new phone?
Me: Yeah…
Mom: He got that so he could talk to her.
Me: What?!
Mom: I know.  He told me that if I had such a problem with it to get counseling.  So I am.
Me: I’m so sorry, Mom.
Mom: The worst part is is that he has admitted that they’ve been flirtatious and suggestive.
Me: What a (I wanted to say asshole or dick) jerk!
Mom: Yeah.  He told the counselor the first time that he came with me that he was like the guy in Proverbs that follows the harlot and not Wisdom.
Me: But he hasn’t changed anything, right?
Mom: He keeps saying they aren’t talking as much.
Me: I’m so sorry, Mom… I can completely relate.
Mom: Hmmm?
Me: That’s basically what bf did to me.
Mom: (I could hear the tears in her voice) Oh honey…

For the first time in my life I can completely relate to my mom.  I’ve always felt a disconnect because we had never had any experiences that were remotely similar.  I really want to give my dad a piece of my mind… To let him know that (ex) bf did the same thing to me and hurt his daughter so deeply.  How would you like that, Dad? Huh? How would it sound coming from your daughter that a man hurt her in the same way in which you’re hurting Mom? Fuck you, Dad.  You’re an asshole.


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How Dare You?!

I am completely – horrified – that people are happy when I am so completely sad.  It’s not that they’re happy about the Redskins losing while I’m sad about it… No, I’ve started telling people that I  broke up with my boyfriend and I’ve had more than one person say, “Oh, good!” as if I’m supposed to be rejoicing in the fact that I was engaged to be married to my very best friend and then everything went to hell in a handbasket.  How dare you?!

And my parents want me to come out this weekend because:

a. My sister is being induced on Friday and I’ll have a new nephew
b. My brothers will be in town
c. I haven’t visited my parents since August
d. My birthday is on Thursday

I have a feeling that my parents will also do a happy dance inspite of my clear misery.  Now, my parents have never cared for my (ex) bf… They’ve never liked any guy I’ve ever dated.  And they particularly dislike my (ex) bf because he doesn’t have their same ideals – who freaking cares?! Geez.

Anyway, I had always told my (ex) bf and friends that he is the best (ex) bf I’ve ever had.  He treated me so well – except for these past few months.  I was always a priority – except for these past few months.  He made time for me and was sensitive to my needs – except for these past few months…  (See the pattern?)  So, I broke it off.  Took me over a month to work up the courage and confidence, but I still question if I did the right thing.  Maybe I should’ve given him more time to figure his shiz out before bailing…

He did affirm my decision though.  He told me that I was right, that he was being a complete dick to me and that I deserve so much better.  He said he was so sorry.  He said that maybe if he gets his shit together he’d like the chance to properly date me.  But that I shouldn’t just wait around for him because I do deserve to be happy and because he can’t meet my needs right now.  I told him that I wouldn’t just come crawling back to him – that he’d have to fight for me and show me that he can really respect me again.  He said that this is his loss… that some lucky guy will sweep me away in no time…

How dare people be happy for me right now…

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Almost Crying.

You know when you’re just having a really tough time and you feel the need to cry but don’t want to but can’t really help it so your eyes well up with the tears and your chest heaves as you try to smother a sob and you blink several times in a row and try to get your breathing right so that you don’t have an all-out bawling spell?  Yeah.  That’s me.  Right now.  That’s been me all morning long.  I’ve managed to keep my crying at bay with only a few tears streaming down my cheeks.  I’m sure on my way home from work I’ll let it all out.  Cause, you know, I have to cry by myself… No one else is around.  And here it comes again…

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**A couple of weeks ago bf and I decided that yes, we would continue dating.  He also told me to not sit around waiting for him.  That if I became friends with someone and thought there might be something there, just let him know.  He won’t be mad.  He wants me to be happy.  So, we also decided that we would date, work on our shiz, but at the same time wouldn’t be exclusive – wait, or are we exclusive but we just keeping our options open, or …??**

I stayed with my bf over the weekend.  I’ve officially moved.  I signed up on and because I remember that he said something about not waiting around, but then I was confused because we’re exclusive, or something like that.  I felt guilty for signing up and I’ve just let the accounts sit there until I figure out what’s going on.  While he was at work yesterday (I swear I was not snooping) I found out that he has an OkCupid account.  I didn’t know if I should be mad about that.  I made dating site accounts.  But I thought this was just me that was keeping options open – wait, that doesn’t make sense either.  Oh my goodness.  So confused.  So, I decided to not be mad.  How could I be?  I did not click on the link (on his computer when you open a new tab it lists recent sites.  Mine used to do that until I did something funky and every time I open a window, google shows up. Whatever.).  I did not want to see when his account was made, or how many messages he had, or if he was meeting anyone, or etc., etc., etc.  Instead, I had a talk with my bf when he got home from work.

Me: So, I decided not to go to that interview tomorrow.
BF: Ok. Why?
Me: Well, if we’re going to be working on us, I should probably stay where I am for now.  I mean, I really like the job I have now and I have a good living situation.
BF: Might as well not mess up a good thing.
Me: Well, yeah.  But also, I think we really need to figure our shit out before I move back this way.
BF: Ok.
Me: I mean, well, are we exclusive?  I’m a little confused about that.  I mean, you said to not wait around, but we’re still together, and…
BF: Um…
Me: I’m just saying that I need more clearly defined lines.  I’m personally not comfortable with being exclusive or whatever and still dating around or something.  It has to be you and me 100% or…
BF: Just friends.
Me: Yeah.  I’m just having a hard time figuring out who we are.
BF: Well, we shouldn’t make that decision right now.
Me: I agree.  And I’m not trying to put a timeframe on this.  No pressure. Really.  I just don’t like grey areas like this.  You and me, or not.  So yeah…
BF: Ok.  I understand that.

I did such a good job not crying at all through that conversation.  My heart wants to be with him.  My brain is telling me to stand strong.  We both have choices to make, issues to think about, considerations to ponder…

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Family Feud.

I started writing and completely got off topic, so I am now starting over.

Over the weekend I did a lot of thinking about why people do the things they do to their families.  Here’s a summary of the situation regarding my bf’s family:

Bf’s Aunt D was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer a little over a week ago.  Aunt D has two kids and three siblings, one full sibling and two half siblings.  Aunt D’s son has visited his mom once in the past 3 years, and that was to get money from her.  Aunt D’s half siblings did nothing to help her during her messy divorce.  Aunt D’s half brother has smoked himself stupid (def no disrespect here – he’s an awesome guy…just has no clue).  Aunt D’s half sister is the snobby, I’m-too-good-for-you type.  Aunt D’s full brother and his wife (bf’s parents) took Aunt D in during her divorce and she has lived there since that time.  She considers that her home.  The house happens to be a small, older trailer that sits at the bottom of a hill on her dad’s property.  When Aunt D was diagnosed with cancer, Aunt D’s kids got a lawyer to draw up papers to have Aunt D sign.  I’m guessing (but don’t know for sure) that the papers might have to do with power of attorney and perhaps inheritance.  That was their FIRST act.  Snobby and her husband took Aunt D from her home because “she can’t live in a place like this”.  ‘This’ being a trailer.  Granted, there was a mold issue in the trailer, but that was more Aunt D’s doing than anyone’s (she’s a bit of a hoarder and refused to clean her room – ever.  When they realized mold was growing, they cleaned everything and tried to get Aunt D to do the same, but she wouldn’t.  Now that Aunt D is gone they were able to empty her room [which held about the same amount of stuff I have in an apartment] and deep clean it with bleach.  No more mold issue.).  Aunt D’s daughter came and got her car over the weekend.

I don’t understand Aunt D’s kids or Snobby.  They decided a long time ago to basically write her off unless she presented some kind of advantage to them.  Her kids want her money.  Snobby wants to be the long-suffering saint.  Snobby is being all “woe is me” every chance she gets.  Aunt D was perfectly happy where she was.  There’s so much to this and I really don’t have time to put the entire story down…  I have just been completely flabbergasted (such a great word) at the actions of Aunt D’s family.  Bf’s parents have been so crushed by everything…  Snobby is screening Aunt D’s calls and won’t answer when bf’s parents call.  Snobby is blocking bf’s parents on fb.  Really?  Bf’s parents have been there for Aunt D like no one else in that family.  Snobby refuses to drive Aunt D to see her dad.  A feud has brewed for years.  That whole thing has just blown up and spewed everywhere.

Question: has Snobby or the kids even asked Aunt D what she wants?

Unfortunately the next time bf’s parents, Aunt D’s dad, bf, bf’s sister, etc. will see Aunt D will be at her funeral.  That makes me very sad for this family…  Bf’s parents have sorted through all of Aunt D’s belongings.  They have set aside things that they know she especially loves and would like to have. They’re hoping that Snobby and the kids will actually let Aunt D have them nearby.

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