Monthly Archives: December 2013

New Blog.

I kinda feel like I need a new, fresh blog to discuss things that I’m almost ashamed to admit even on here…

That is all.

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Humanity.

Type 1 – Kindness.

I was sitting in a local diner with my intern.  As we waited for our food to be delivered, the lady (probably in her 70s) at the booth in front of us walked to the booth behind us where another woman (also probably in her 70s) sat.  The following conversation unfolded:

Old Lady 1: Hi.  I was wondering if you’d like to join me at my table.
Old Lady 2: Oh.  That’s ok.  I’m used to eating alone.
Old Lady 1: Me too.  But if you’d like to eat together that would be nice.
Old Lady 2: Well, I think I’ll just sit here.
Old Lady 1: I would really like the company.
Old Lady 2: Thank you so much.  I really appreciate that.

The two old ladies ate dinner together and seemed to connect in only a way two old ladies can.  They chatted and giggled throughout their meal.

——–

Type 2 – Oblivious.

I had gotten to work at 8am on Thursday morning and parked right in front of the office door.  I had to unload and haul in $1800+ worth of toys and clothes for my foster kiddos.  And then I had to take all of that stuff up to the third floor in the building, and no, there’s no elevator.  I share the building with others.  I unloaded the vehicle and then made six trips up and down the stairs.  People on the second floor watched me complete the task.  One lady sang, “Santa Claus is coming to town!”  Really?  Can you not see that I have a bajillion things to carry up?  Maybe a little help?  Oh well.

——–

Type 3 – Asshole.

An ex emailed me the other day asking how I was doing.  And then he said, “I regret everything in the past.  Just to let you know.  You are the kinkiest girl I’ve ever been with.”  Of all the things he gleaned from our relationship, me being his kinkiest partner is what stands out in his mind… Not the hours I spent driving to/from his place (this was an LDR) or meals I cooked or the cleaning I did or anything else?  And why do you regret everything? Is it because I was the kinkiest or because you finally fucking realized that cheating is wrong?  Whatever.

——–

Type 4 – Empathic.

Yesterday I had a team meeting regarding one of my foster kids.  Bio mom was explaining her own childhood.  As she cried she described why she had been removed from her parents when she was only 5 years old and how she bounced around from foster home to foster home, never feeling that anyone loved her.  And then she said that she will do anything to make sure that doesn’t happen to her own daughter.  As foster mom and I were leaving, foster mom cried about how bio mom’s foster parents were supposed to love her like their own child.  My chest did it’s normal heaving thing when I’m trying to not cry and my eyes welled up with tears.  Though I wasn’t in foster care and my foster mom wasn’t a foster child, we can both understand pain and suffering.  The suffering bio mom went through gives me and the team a better understanding of what has gone wrong and how we can help her make the necessary changes.  I’m going to be bio mom’s cheerleader and do everything in my power to help her realize her potential to be a great mom.

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Hurting Heart.

Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

While I was purusing Facebook this evening I noted your sister’s status (not ver batem): “Had a great day decorating with the kids, ex-boyfriend, and slut-he-cheated-with!”  What the what? <– that’s what went through my brain.

Immediate meltdown ensued.  I didn’t just cry.  I sobbed.  You know, those deep guttaral sounds that makes you wonder if someone is dying?  Yes, gut wrenching sobs.  He had told me that I’d “ruined their friendship” and that she told him she’d never talk to him again… And on Thanksgiving he’d said they still weren’t talking.  So, my dear, this is what I ask of you:

  • Why have you done the things you’ve done?
  • Why did you continue with the lies?
  • Why am I so stupid?
  • Where did everything go so wrong?
  • Why did you ever propose in the first place?
  • Why does my heart hurt so much?
  • Why did you drag me out here?
  • Why are your parents so wonderful to me?
  • Why didn’t you let me break up with you the first time I tried?
  • Why did you want to hang on to us?
  • Why did you say you still love me?
  • Why do you want to remain friends?
  • Why did you expect me to trust you?
  • Why would she want to be with you knowing you were cheating on me to be with her?
  • Why can’t I see these things coming from a mile away?
  • Have you always lied to me?
  • Was this the first time you did this to me?
  • Are you happy?

I feel foolish and angry and sad.

Forever not yours,
Your Ex-Girlfriend

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POF – Seriously?

Of all the online dating sites, POF is the absolute worst one. Period.

That is all.

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An Okay Day.

630am – I hit the snooze button first thing this morning.  I had slept poorly and did not want to get out of bed.  I did manage to get up 10 minutes later; however, I had a heck of a time getting dressed and ready for the day.  After getting some coffee in me I moved a bit better.

745am – I had been messaging my ex-boyfriend’s friend on this mobile app game we play.  I haven’t talked to him since I moved and thought I’d say hi.  I had asked if my ex-boyfriend (see how I’ve moved on to calling him my actual ex-boyfriend instead of “(ex)-bf”?) had informed him that we’d broken up because we both know how my ex-boyfriend loves to share what’s going on <– sarcasm… His reply: Yeah, he told me you were splitting before you moved.  My response: “Seriously? Asshole. I just broke up with him two weeks ago. Geez.  Oh well. Doesn’t matter now.”  Then I continued with a new message: “The more I find out about his actions over the past several months the more heartbroken and foolish I feel.  I’m sorry for bitching at you.”  I cried the whole way to work wondering why he’d even proposed to me in the first place… Why did he ever decide to get so involved if he was just going to be deceitful with me and those around him?

830am – My intern met me at the office.  By that time I’d had two cigarettes and had wiped my face well enough to conceal the fact that I’d been crying for a half an hour (at least I hope so).  We had to drive to a hospital to see a little girl that was being placed in foster care today.  Her story isn’t awful.  Well, she at least hasn’t been through what her siblings had gone through.  This little blessing of a baby was born yesterday morning.  Her older siblings are all in foster care.  Therefore, she is going into foster care.  We were at the hospital for the majority of the day hanging out with the birth mother, the baby, and the foster parents.  I was encouraged to see the foster parents and birth mom forming a positive relationship.

2pm – I finally made it into the office and started on the necessary paperwork for my new placement.

4pm – I called my bestie and we chatted on the phone my entire drive home.  I love her so much.  🙂

430pm – I arrived home.  I promptly received a call from a DHHR office with a referral for three kiddos.  Thankfully they did not want the kids placed in my region so I was able to pass the referral along to the correct office.

5pm – I went upstairs and hung out with my landlady and her boyfriend’s son.  We had a good time.

730pm – I read a very selfish post online regarding my ex-boyfriend’s aunt by his other aunt.  I promptly got ahold of his sister and mother to read the update because I knew they’d been blocked from seeing the post.  We had a good discussion at the snobby aunt’s expense.  And then we talked about my ex-boyfriend’s circumstances and tossed around some reasons for his issues.  We all hope he starts getting out of his dark hole, not so that he’ll want me back but so that he will be happy and healthy again.

9pm – blogging.

Overall, today has been okay.  There have been high and low points today.  So, I’m rating this day as a 5/10.  An okay day.

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Blogging Bliss

I commented on my friend’s blog earlier to state, “My favorite part about your blogs is the pure honesty.”

I think I’d like to expound on that thought…

The greatest thing about blogging, and in my case blogging (mostly) anonymously, is that I can be purely honest.    Within my blog I do not share my personal details (location, names, etc.) although I do share my blogs with some people (a very limited list) on fb and in emails.  I feel like I can just be me with no judgments.  Being able to express myself freely through blogging has definitely given me courage to say how I feel in any given situation.

I guess that is all for now.  🙂

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Online Dating.

These are the things I’ve learned with using online dating sites:

  1. Most guys around my age are divorced with children.
  2. I will send 30 messages and receive one.
    • Some guy got upset at me because I didn’t respond to his message.  He is 41.  I’m 30.  He is divorced with like 4 kids and doesn’t want any more children.  I have no children and definitely wants kids.  I didn’t think a response was necessary due to our lack of commonalities.  He told me I wouldn’t find someone to marry me. Ever.  And that he’s a nice guy and I’m not nice because I didn’t respond.  My response to that? “You haven’t shown me that you’re nice at all. I apologize for offending you. If I expected a response from every person I messaged, I’d be waiting forever.”  Oh well.
  3. I attract women as well as men… (Hmmm…)  😉
  4. Some guys just want sex.
    • I want sex, too.  But I would really like to follow my logical brain and not just jump into bed with someone… You know, form a friendship, get to know each other, figure out what we each are looking for in a relationship, etc.  Now, my slutty, sex-deprived brain says, “YOU HAVEN’T BEEN LAID IN THREE MONTHS!”  **sigh**  That’s why God made fingers and BOBs, right?  Sure.
  5. Many guys are genuinely seeking love.
  6. I need to be more specific in my “what I’m looking for” section – this might help weed out some of the weirdos.  Lol
  7. Patience is needed.
  8. Free dating websites have a lot of creepers.
  9. I really enjoy the anonymity of online messaging.
  10. I will *always* follow my meet-for-the-first-time-in-public rule. Always.

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