I’ve done a lot of thinking lately. Thinking definitely happens much more frequently when one doesn’t have internet access or cable at home.
I’m at work right now. Not working. I’ve done lots and lots of work this week and my computer has graciously shut itself down four times today. If it shuts down while typing this blog, I will not be posting today. And maybe not tomorrow either.
Lots of thinking.
I have a notebook at home. Actually, I have several. This particular notebook I found in a box or bag or tote when I was in need of paper. The other day I was flipping through the pages and came across a list of baby names. And then a page where I’d practiced my would-have-been married name several times. A list of flowers that are in season all Summer long, as well as flowers that are in season during specific Summer months. I found a list of names with things like “bridesmaid” and “ring bearer” next to the names. I then found a list of various apartments near my office with prices, and then a letter to my ex explaining why I didn’t want to move stuff to the new place that day. I could feel the lie in my reasoning. “It’s going to rain.” Really? How about “I really don’t want to leave.”
I thought about the times I was writing these lists and the feelings I associated with these musings, doodles, and information.
I thought about how much has changed, how much is still the same.
I thought about what future notebooks may hold.
I thought about the tears on my face and the sadness in my heart.
I tore out several pages and then tore those pages into tiny pieces and then unceremoniously flung them into my bedside trashcan. I looked at the remaining pages. I loved my would-be-married name. That can stay. For now.
I dug out my baby names book and looked through the girls section.
A: Ariadne N: Natalie
B: Brooke O: Olive
Celia Cornelia Cora P: Penelope
D: Daphne Q: Quintessa (?)
E: Eleanor R: Rose
F: Francesca S: Samantha
G: Grace T: Thea
H: Hazel U: Ursula (?)
I: Ilsa V:
J: Josephine W: Wren
K: Kiera X: Xandra (?)
L: Laura Y: Yolanda
M: Miranda Z: Ziva
I created a budget worksheet on my computer and thought about how I survive.
All very thoughtly thoughts at home…