Monthly Archives: March 2014

Running.

I cried much of the night.  The finality and resounding emptiness that was this amazing relationship crashed around me.  I thought about how his lips were hers, not mine.  How that boyish grin would be hers to wiggle out of him, not mine.  How there’s a chance they’ll be far happier than we ever were – and we had been so happy, once.

I relived the night I ended us.  The words, the tears, the regret, the heartache.

I knew this would happen.  (Didn’t I?)  We’ve both been dating-ish.  My dating has been half-assed.  I don’t didn’t want to move forward.  I wanted to believe that he’d want me back.  I wanted to believe that he would always be mine.

So, per usual when I’m shattered, I’m looking for jobs elsewhere.  Amarillo, Seattle, Mobile… anywhere but here.  Anywhere far from here.

I will apply for the jobs knowing that I probably won’t be interviewed for the positions because there are so many other people who are much more qualified.  I know that if I do get an interview, chances are that there will still be higher qualified candidates being interviewed.

Do I really want to leave?

RIght now, yes.  I have nothing holding me here.  But I don’t *want* to run away.  Where will that get me?  I’d be truly alone if I moved across the country.  Here I do have some friends.  I do have my ex, who is very insistent that we’ll always be friends, no matter where life takes us.

Sigh.

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Why Am I Here?

I’m at my ex’s.  I’m mooching his internet/tv.  I was looking around on Match.  A 38-yr-old popped up.  I was iffy as to whether or not I’d “like” him.

Ex: What do you have against 38-yr-olds?
Me: Nothing.  I just, I don’t know.
Ex: I’m dating a 37-yr-old.
Me: Huh?
Ex: Yeah, that chick I’ve gone on two dates with.
Me: Are you guys dating dating? Like official?
Ex: Yeah.
Me: Why am I here then?
Ex: What do you mean?
Me: (Men are so thick.)  Why am I here when you have a girlfriend?
Ex: You’re my friend. We’re hanging out.
Me: But. I don’t want her to not trust you. I don’t want to be a problem.
Ex: I told her you’re my best friend and that we’ll be hanging out.
Me: But would she really be okay with me staying the night? I mean, I know we’re not ‘doing’ anything, but still.
Ex: I told her we’d be hanging out and she has to be okay with that.

Okay, I get what he’s saying.  I do.  But I feel a bit ambushed.  Like, what?  You have a girlfriend? You have a girlfriend. And I’m hanging out with you.  Watching basketball, walking the dog, talking shit about your boss…

She is out of town at a wedding…

I’m here.

I feel awkward now.

Why am I here?

(Sigh.)

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

The Power of Names

This week’s DPchallenge is asking us to look at names: “explore your history with names. What meaning does your name have to you? What power does it have over you? Do you have a nickname when you are at home, but not in the world at large? Or vice versa?”

———————–

My given name has never been uttered on this site.  In fact, I’m not even sure if I’ve ever referred to myself with any kind of name.  For the purpose of this blog, I will share my name… (Can you feel my personal struggle to let this identifier out there – on the world wide web?)

I am not ashamed of my name.  My name is fairly uncommon for a woman.  I mean, I’ve met maybe 3 or 4 different ladies with my name, but each of us spell our names differently.  The power of my name is that my anonymity feels less secure in the fact that my name is uncommon – I’m more easily identified by others in my professional field and circle of friends.  “Hey, do you know Her?  Why yes, I know Her because she’s probably the only lady with Her as a name among social workers in this area, maybe even in the entire state.”

So alas, my name is Ricki.  My aunt once gave me a name card with the meaning of the name written across the top with a Bible verse below.  The card stated that Ricki means “peaceful ruler”.  According to BabyNames.com, “Ricky” is a boy’s names that means “brave ruler” and alternate spellings include: Rikki, Rickey, Ricki, Riqqi.

I was named after my father, Richard (shocker).  My parents had intended to have 2 children – they ended up with 5.

I do not dislike my name (anymore).  I do not love my name, either.  I used to really dislike my name because people would call me Ricki Lake.  I **HATE** that.  I am not Ricki Lake.  I am me.  No one else.  Don’t call me Ricki Lake. Ever. Period.  Thanks.

I do have an obsession with names.  I love to write down names that intrigue me.  My #1 baby boy name to use is Sean (God is gracious).  Sean has been my #1 boy name for years and years.  My #1 girl name has changed over the years.  Rose is my current favorite.  It has also been Cornelia, Josephine, Veronica, Natalie, and Miranda.

I tend to like different names based on how they sound, rather than their meanings.  For example, I love the name Penelope, which means “with a web over her face”.  Not the greatest meaning, but the name is beautiful.

When I think about the “power” of names, I tend to think of how I associate the name.  For example, I used to love the name Katie/Katherine.  However, my ex before my recent ex cheated on me with a Katie.  I no longer like Katie.  Katie is a cheating whore.  Or at least, an adulterous woman.  No good.  I could never name a child Dave/David because nearly every Dave/David I’ve met has been an asshole (my personal experience).  One of my grandmother’s first names is Della.  I love the name because she’s a beautiful lady.  I can see myself using the name Mark because he was my all-time favorite uncle – he passed away in May 2002.

Character names and celebrity names are powerful in that they can sway the names parents use for there children.  Isabella, anyone?  Isabella was ranked #60 in US births in 1999.  In 2001, Isabella was ranked #28.  In 2002, #14; in 2003, #11; in 2004, #7.  In 2007 Isabella was ranked #2 and in 2009, #1.  The latest stats are from 2012, in which Isabella is ranked #3.  I have a feeling that the name George will rise in popularity on the 2013 and 2014 name chart (you know, there was a prince born in July 2013 with the name George).  Currently George is ranked #166 in US births.

Side note: Ricki was ranked #941 in 1994 and #964 in 1995.  Since then “Ricki” has not been in the top 1000 names in the US.

3 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Work, work, work.

By the end of this week I will have worked 12 (maybe 13) straight days.  Also, by the time I worked this past week and this weekend I worked 62.5 hours.  Because of today’s weather (5+” of fresh snow) I was really, really hoping to take the day off.  However, my boss sent me a text at 730am saying she’d need the agency car for the week.  I, of course, had said vehicle’s keys attached to my own bundle of keys.  So, I got up, showered, grabbed my left over pizza, and headed to my car.  (When there’s more of a dusting of snow, use a shovel, not a broom.  I need a new broom.)  My usual 20 minute drive took 35 minutes.  Then, I waited an HOUR for my boss to get here.  She said she’d be here at 830am.  But nooooo.  I’m tired.  I think I’ll leave at noon-ish.  Sounds like a good idea.  Especially since I have to be back tomorrow at 7am.  Ugh.

Is it nap time yet?

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Bittersweet First Date.

I had a date last night.  A first date with a tall man.  Tall Guy and I met of OKC.  We chatted via messaging for a couple of days and then we exchanged phone numbers.  We texted and called each other, and yesterday morning Tall Guy asked, “Can I take you out to dinner tonight?”  Um, pass up free food? “Of course!” I replied.  Really though, I was excited.

I. Was. Excited.

All day long I was a happy person.  I was really productive at work.  I had an 11 1/2 hour work day and I didn’t even mind.  My poor intern was having a horrid day with some personal issues.  I would listen to her, and I would (try to) be compassionate.  I was probably not a very good friend because of my cheeriness.

We were supposed to meet around 7pm at the restaurant I chose (I hate choosing).  After I got back to my office, I quickly got into my car and headed to the restaurant.  And then, out of nowhere, I started crying.  I called my ex.

“I’m going on a date.”
Ok.
“With the guy who’s been snipped.”
Ok…
“I’ve been excited about it all day.”
Then why do you sound like you’ve been crying?
“Because it just hit me that it’s not you.  I mean I knew it wasn’t going to be you.  But I don’t want it to be him.  I want you.”
I’m sorry dear.
“It’s like I’ve been happy all day long and now I’m not.  We were supposd to get married in July and now I’m going on a first date.”
You’re going to be fine.
“I know.  But I don’t want to be fine with anyone else.  I’m just… I’m sad because this will never be you again.”
You never know.  Maybe someday.  Just not right now.
“But that’s just it.  I can’t be waiting around for you to be ready.  I have to move forward with my life.  And that means I have a first date that I’m actually looking forward to and somehow that makes me sad.”
Yes you do.  Don’t be sad.  Stop crying.  You’re going to look a mess for your date.  Think of something that makes you mad about me so you can have a good time with him.  I want you to be happy.
(Both laughing)
“Thanks for talking to me.  I’m sorry I called you about this.”
Yeah, I was probably the worst person to talk to about it.  But hey, we’ll always be friends.  No matter what.
“Thank you.”

So, I cleaned up my face and met up with Tall Guy.  We had good conversations.  I didn’t feel that chemistry spark.  But I am going to give Tall Guy a real chance.  He really is a good guy.

That was a very bittersweet first date.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized