Tag Archives: cheating

Hurting Heart.

Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

While I was purusing Facebook this evening I noted your sister’s status (not ver batem): “Had a great day decorating with the kids, ex-boyfriend, and slut-he-cheated-with!”  What the what? <– that’s what went through my brain.

Immediate meltdown ensued.  I didn’t just cry.  I sobbed.  You know, those deep guttaral sounds that makes you wonder if someone is dying?  Yes, gut wrenching sobs.  He had told me that I’d “ruined their friendship” and that she told him she’d never talk to him again… And on Thanksgiving he’d said they still weren’t talking.  So, my dear, this is what I ask of you:

  • Why have you done the things you’ve done?
  • Why did you continue with the lies?
  • Why am I so stupid?
  • Where did everything go so wrong?
  • Why did you ever propose in the first place?
  • Why does my heart hurt so much?
  • Why did you drag me out here?
  • Why are your parents so wonderful to me?
  • Why didn’t you let me break up with you the first time I tried?
  • Why did you want to hang on to us?
  • Why did you say you still love me?
  • Why do you want to remain friends?
  • Why did you expect me to trust you?
  • Why would she want to be with you knowing you were cheating on me to be with her?
  • Why can’t I see these things coming from a mile away?
  • Have you always lied to me?
  • Was this the first time you did this to me?
  • Are you happy?

I feel foolish and angry and sad.

Forever not yours,
Your Ex-Girlfriend

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Relating.

After visiting with my sister, brother-in-law, and brand new nephew in the hospital for a few hours, I met my parents, brother, and other nephew for dinner.  After dinner my mom and I went back to the hospital with my nephew so he could visit with his baby brother for a bit.  On the way there this conversation unfolded:

Mom: I’m seeing a counselor.
Me: Oh yeah? Why’s that?
Mom: Well, your dad and I are having problems.
Me: Ok.  Well, is the counseling helping? Are you both going?
Mom: No. Just me.  Well, your father has come twice.  I’m going more out of spite than anything.  I guess you can know what’s happening.
Me: Alright.
Mom: Your father found a friend from high school on Facebook.  They were messaging back and forth. (I’m sure if darkness hadn’t fallen that she would have seen the color drain from my face.)  Then he told her that she could email him on his work email!  I told him that I didn’t have a problem with them talking, but it should be on our joint email.
Me: Oh dear.
Mom: Yeah, so then I find out he’s been emailing her and texting with her and skyping with her.  You know his new phone?
Me: Yeah…
Mom: He got that so he could talk to her.
Me: What?!
Mom: I know.  He told me that if I had such a problem with it to get counseling.  So I am.
Me: I’m so sorry, Mom.
Mom: The worst part is is that he has admitted that they’ve been flirtatious and suggestive.
Me: What a (I wanted to say asshole or dick) jerk!
Mom: Yeah.  He told the counselor the first time that he came with me that he was like the guy in Proverbs that follows the harlot and not Wisdom.
Me: But he hasn’t changed anything, right?
Mom: He keeps saying they aren’t talking as much.
Me: I’m so sorry, Mom… I can completely relate.
Mom: Hmmm?
Me: That’s basically what bf did to me.
Mom: (I could hear the tears in her voice) Oh honey…

For the first time in my life I can completely relate to my mom.  I’ve always felt a disconnect because we had never had any experiences that were remotely similar.  I really want to give my dad a piece of my mind… To let him know that (ex) bf did the same thing to me and hurt his daughter so deeply.  How would you like that, Dad? Huh? How would it sound coming from your daughter that a man hurt her in the same way in which you’re hurting Mom? Fuck you, Dad.  You’re an asshole.

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Hazzards of Blogging.

One thing I always think about before I publish a post is who will be reading this blog.  My boyfriend reads my blog, my best friend, and some other people.  I generally post link to my blogs for my “close friends” on facebook.  The thing is, I was planning on writing about something, and I thought, “will people judge me?”  Why does that matter so much to me?!

In my diet blog I wrote about my bizzare night.  I left out the dream I had because I don’t think the dream had anything to do with the HCG side effects.  Maybe vivid dreams are a side effect though.  Who knows.  Doesn’t really matter.  I have weird dreams all the time.

So, I dreamt that I **almost** had sex with a man that was not my boyfriend.  I’m not sure what to make of that.  Here’s a recap of the dream (it is odd):

D (I know this guy in “real life”) and I are trying to infiltrate some kind of religious center to get the scoop on their crazy ideals (I’m watching too much True Blood).  We were imposing as supporters.  For some reason we hopped on D’s bicycle and were heading to a different building.  D had his shirt off and I was hanging on for dear life.  I kissed his back.  We get to the building and we were talking with various people (D had a shirt again).  We were being really sneaky and got down to some of the lower levels.  We were in this massively long hallway, which was desserted.  We heard someone coming so we quickly made our way into a side room.  D’s shirt was gone again.  He made a comment (I don’t know what it was) and my heart stopped.  I knew that he was going to kiss me and that if he did that that everything would continue to heat up and that eventually we’d be naked on the floor.  I abruptly woke up.

I believe that dreams are just that – dreams.  I don’t think that there are any “hidden meanings” behind the dreams.  I do not actually want to have sex with D.  There are many reasons for that.  The biggest reason is that I love my boyfriend very much and do not feel drawn (sexually) to other guys.  This dream kind of freaked me out though because I feel like I kinda cheated on my boyfriend even though I didn’t.  I did wake up desperately wanting my boyfriend here so that we could get all tangled up in the sheets this morning…   🙂

I hope my boyfriend has a good day today.  5 weeks until he’s home!  I’m so ready for him to be home…

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