Tag Archives: family

Daydreaming.

The printer has been broken since Wednesday.  I was barely in the office at all last week and did not know of the dilemma until Friday morning.  I asked why no one (coworker and her intern) said anything to myself or our boss.  We could’ve had it fixed in no time.  Anyway, yesterday I called the repair people.  They had to order a part.  Today it’s up and running again.

While I have my printer at my disposal to complete my billing, etc., I have been daydreaming instead.  I’ve been on Pinterest and YouTube.  I’ve been looking up pregnancy pictures and watching pregnancy announcement videos.

Nope.  I’m not pregnant.

I’m just dreaming about the day I find out that I am…

Knowing me, I’ll get pregnant accidentally on purpose so that I have a baby before I’m dead.  (This melancholy thing is vicious towards my self-confidence.)  I was thinking about how my parents would react.  The videos I’ve watched feature couples sharing the “happy news”.  In my foreseen situation, I would be making an announcement to my family in my parents’ home with happiness in my heart, dread in my stomach, and nervousness on my face.  I would be ecstatic.  But, my family would not be.  They would be thoroughly disappointed.

For now I’ll daydream.  Maybe sometime soon I can get serious about my accidental pregnancy.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Stuck Words.

There are words, sentences, pleas that I would like to spew at my ex’s family.  But I cannot.  At least not right now.  There are different words for his extended family, but to his mother and sister there are certain things they should know and understand.  These are the words that are stuck:

You take him for granted.  You two talk about being used and abusd and yet you don’t even realize that you are the ones using and abusing him.  Sister, you leave your children with him all the time.  You talked about how your cousin shouldn’t’ve left her son with him while her mother was dying in the hospital, and yet every night you drive away from home leaving him there with YOUR children.  I understand that your life was a living hell with your husband, but that does not give you the right to leave your brother to raise your children while you slink down the road to whore yourself away for the drugs you so desperately desire.  Mother, you invite drama and chaos into your home and create calamity among your family.  You say you hate the conflicts, and yet you embrace conflict like an old friend and spread it around as though it is an irrisistable delight.  I can see your eyes light up when you tell me that so-and-so said or did such-and-such and how terrible said such-and-such is.

Can you guys not see what you are doing to him?  You complain that he’s such an ass all the time, but guess what? You’re treating him like an ass!  Remember the golden rule?  Treat others as you’d want to be treated?  He has such great love in his heart for those he cares about.  He doesn’t complain about never having a free night.  He doesn’t buy into the drama.  He simply let’s that roll off his shoulders because he cannot do anything about it.  But can’t you see that he is a broken man?  He has his own hurts and turmoil and you two can’t even see it!

Why do you think I broke up with him?  Because of that slut, Amy? No.  Because he’s an ass? Partially.  But ultimately I broke up with him because I knew that he needed me to be the bad guy.  He couldn’t bring himself to break my heart.  I came to realize that being the cause of my pain was too much for him.  So I took it upon myself.  I did not want to break up with him.  I love him.  I love him so much it hurts!  He needs to heal.  He needs time.  And it’s not from all this recent shit either.  This is stuff from years and years ago, long before I even came along.  You know he hasn’t seen his kids since he left his ex-wife, right?  And you know that woman has been withholding phones calls from him, right?  You know his heart breaks when she does that, right?  Could you imagine not being able to see or talk to your child because some bitch ass woman thinks she’s better than you?  I understand that he needs to deal with his stuff in his way and in his time.  He couldn’t meet my needs and our needs because he can’t even meet his own.  And you two aren’t helping either.

I talk alot about hearts breaking.  Have you ever truly felt that pain?  You know, that pain that literally, physically feels as though someone has reached through your chest and squeezed your heart with both hands? Tried to shred it? Twisted your heart and stabbed it with sharp fingernails?  Have you ever felt that?  I feel that everyday when I think about him and the pain he is going though.  The pain you two can’t seem to comprehend.

Don’t be surprised when he just ups and disappears.  Don’t be surprised when he decides to put himself first for once in his life.  Don’t be suprised when your selfishness drives him away…  He’s already starting his escape. Can’t you feel it?  Why do you think I’m always offering to watch the kids or volunteering to be available if you guys need me?  Because I know you are using and abusing him.  You take him for granted.

I love him.  When he hugged me the other day, I felt like I was home.  I cry all the time because I feel so lost and alone without him near.  He needs his time.  He needs his space.  He needs to figure out his stuff before he completely falls apart.

Please.  Please, please stop this madness.

I just rambled all that out with no real process… There’s so much I’d like to say. Obviously.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Death and Dying.

Talking about death is generally not easy.  My ex’s aunt is dying.  Apparently she’s been dying for 5 years and no one, including herself, knew.  At the beginning of November she was diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer… don’t ask what kind.  Because I don’t know.  I’m guessing lung cancer (this is a good time for me to seriously consider quitting smoking, and although I don’t smoke much, it’s still a good idea).  Anyway, the first time I saw Aunt D when she first became ill, she was weak and sleeping all the time.  The next time she couldn’t walk in a straight line.  I made sure (or someone made sure) to walk with her if she got up from her recliner because she would turn left without knowing it and keep walking towards the left.  Between the left-faces and weakness, she was surely gonna faceplant into a wall or the floor.  The next time I saw Aunt D she was in the hospital.  She had lost most of her hair.  She was so very thin.  Aunt D was mostly alert and interacted with others.  The next time I saw Aunt D she had been moved to the hospice care unit. She was awake sometimes, but sleeping most of the time.  She didn’t want anything to eat and she kept trying to take her oxygen mask off.  She didn’t talk much, but she enjoyed having people hold her hand and read to her from her Bible.  Today was probably my last visit with Aunt D.  She slept the entire time.  I could sense her breaths becoming further and further apart.

When a loved one is dying, I can’t help but remember the good times.  Isn’t that what death is about in some ways? Reflection?  I remember Aunt D’s long, flowing hair.  Her bright smile and cute laugh.  She loves(d?) to cross stitch various things and was always doing something crafty.  While she could be bossy, she enjoyed the company of others.  (I can’t figure out if I’m supposed to use past or present tense…)

Every time my phone rings from either my ex or one of his family members calling, I have a mini anxiety attack… You know that tingly feeling that starts at the top of your chest and plummets to your stomach?  That.  There’s really no reason to fear death because it’s natural.  And I don’t fear death because I have been saved through grace…  Still, it’s sad and hard and not easy to hear that someone you love is no longer here…

I feel like I have no train of thought…

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

An Okay Day.

630am – I hit the snooze button first thing this morning.  I had slept poorly and did not want to get out of bed.  I did manage to get up 10 minutes later; however, I had a heck of a time getting dressed and ready for the day.  After getting some coffee in me I moved a bit better.

745am – I had been messaging my ex-boyfriend’s friend on this mobile app game we play.  I haven’t talked to him since I moved and thought I’d say hi.  I had asked if my ex-boyfriend (see how I’ve moved on to calling him my actual ex-boyfriend instead of “(ex)-bf”?) had informed him that we’d broken up because we both know how my ex-boyfriend loves to share what’s going on <– sarcasm… His reply: Yeah, he told me you were splitting before you moved.  My response: “Seriously? Asshole. I just broke up with him two weeks ago. Geez.  Oh well. Doesn’t matter now.”  Then I continued with a new message: “The more I find out about his actions over the past several months the more heartbroken and foolish I feel.  I’m sorry for bitching at you.”  I cried the whole way to work wondering why he’d even proposed to me in the first place… Why did he ever decide to get so involved if he was just going to be deceitful with me and those around him?

830am – My intern met me at the office.  By that time I’d had two cigarettes and had wiped my face well enough to conceal the fact that I’d been crying for a half an hour (at least I hope so).  We had to drive to a hospital to see a little girl that was being placed in foster care today.  Her story isn’t awful.  Well, she at least hasn’t been through what her siblings had gone through.  This little blessing of a baby was born yesterday morning.  Her older siblings are all in foster care.  Therefore, she is going into foster care.  We were at the hospital for the majority of the day hanging out with the birth mother, the baby, and the foster parents.  I was encouraged to see the foster parents and birth mom forming a positive relationship.

2pm – I finally made it into the office and started on the necessary paperwork for my new placement.

4pm – I called my bestie and we chatted on the phone my entire drive home.  I love her so much.  🙂

430pm – I arrived home.  I promptly received a call from a DHHR office with a referral for three kiddos.  Thankfully they did not want the kids placed in my region so I was able to pass the referral along to the correct office.

5pm – I went upstairs and hung out with my landlady and her boyfriend’s son.  We had a good time.

730pm – I read a very selfish post online regarding my ex-boyfriend’s aunt by his other aunt.  I promptly got ahold of his sister and mother to read the update because I knew they’d been blocked from seeing the post.  We had a good discussion at the snobby aunt’s expense.  And then we talked about my ex-boyfriend’s circumstances and tossed around some reasons for his issues.  We all hope he starts getting out of his dark hole, not so that he’ll want me back but so that he will be happy and healthy again.

9pm – blogging.

Overall, today has been okay.  There have been high and low points today.  So, I’m rating this day as a 5/10.  An okay day.

3 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Christmas Poem.

This is a poem
For our father dearest
Which I’ll read aloud
So everything is clearest 

I do apologize
For this is Christmas Eve
These words need spoken
Before we take our leave

In two-thousand eleven
On October twenty-eighth
I met a man named Ron
He was such an ace 

We called and text
Emailed and Facebooked
Chatted all the time
We were completely hooked

 Not long after New Years
We committed long-term
Boyfriend and girlfriend
Our affection was firm

You’re the best
I would often state
And he truly was
That is until of late

We were happy for 2 years
Blissful in everything
Love, respect, joy, and laughter
This was no fling 

Ron was thrown some curve balls
Into a depression he sank
His rosy demeanor vanished
And now I shall be frank 

I knew of his troubles
Financial, family, and feuds
He was becoming hateful
He was quite rude

I knew there was more
So I went through his email
What I found let me know
That I had surely failed

Her name was Amy
I read every word
I saw her naked body
I found it all absurd

I was filled with rage
I’d never been so hurt
I wrote him a note
I told him he was dirt

I cried and cried
And then I cried some more
How could he do this?
She must be a whore

I messaged her on facebook
To give her a piece of my mind
Ron blamed me of course
Told me I wasn’t kind

He slept on the couch
I cried in bed
I’m leaving him
At least, that’s what I said

For the next three months
We battled and fought
We’d never bickered before
Now that’s all we thought

Ron would call me names
I told him he was a dick
He told me to get over it
I told him, not so quick

I knew that he had troubles
In areas other than home
I tried to give him time and space
I felt so alone

Once I moved away
Things simmered down a bit
But I could still sense
That he was still being a dick

After he was settled
I told him I was through
I could not do this
When he wasn’t being true

He said he was sorry
He knows that he’s an ass
He said that he still loves me
My heart shattered like glass

I made one thing very clear
He would have to fight
If he ever wanted me again
He’d have to prove his right

So now father
I turn to you
You’re supposed to be a model
What am I to do?

Unfortunately
I cannot ask
Because as I understand it
You’re also an ass

Our mother is so sad
Your father is cheating
Mom confided in me
You, father, deserve a beating

Do you not know
Of your wife’s love
Has she not shown you
She goes beyond and above

And here you sit before us
Your fancy phone in tow
Chatting up your harlot
I think everyone should know

Maybe you haven’t screwed
But you’ve certainly crossed a line
A marriage is between husband and wife
And no one else combined

I know you know you’re wrong
Yet you still continue
And that is why I say
How freaking dare you

As I said before
You’re supposed to be a model
Your children need a leader
Someone we can follow

Your wife needs a husband
A man she can trust
A friend for the ages
This is a must

I believe in marriage
The vows that are made
Do not take them lightly
Never let them fade

I think I’ve said enough
I’ll draw to a close
I hope you contemplate
Everything I have composed

Regardless of your sins
Our father you remain
Your wife still loves you
And that will never change

———————————————–

I’m seriously considering printing this on fancy paper and reading it to the family on Christmas Eve – it’ll be my dad’s present.

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Relating.

After visiting with my sister, brother-in-law, and brand new nephew in the hospital for a few hours, I met my parents, brother, and other nephew for dinner.  After dinner my mom and I went back to the hospital with my nephew so he could visit with his baby brother for a bit.  On the way there this conversation unfolded:

Mom: I’m seeing a counselor.
Me: Oh yeah? Why’s that?
Mom: Well, your dad and I are having problems.
Me: Ok.  Well, is the counseling helping? Are you both going?
Mom: No. Just me.  Well, your father has come twice.  I’m going more out of spite than anything.  I guess you can know what’s happening.
Me: Alright.
Mom: Your father found a friend from high school on Facebook.  They were messaging back and forth. (I’m sure if darkness hadn’t fallen that she would have seen the color drain from my face.)  Then he told her that she could email him on his work email!  I told him that I didn’t have a problem with them talking, but it should be on our joint email.
Me: Oh dear.
Mom: Yeah, so then I find out he’s been emailing her and texting with her and skyping with her.  You know his new phone?
Me: Yeah…
Mom: He got that so he could talk to her.
Me: What?!
Mom: I know.  He told me that if I had such a problem with it to get counseling.  So I am.
Me: I’m so sorry, Mom.
Mom: The worst part is is that he has admitted that they’ve been flirtatious and suggestive.
Me: What a (I wanted to say asshole or dick) jerk!
Mom: Yeah.  He told the counselor the first time that he came with me that he was like the guy in Proverbs that follows the harlot and not Wisdom.
Me: But he hasn’t changed anything, right?
Mom: He keeps saying they aren’t talking as much.
Me: I’m so sorry, Mom… I can completely relate.
Mom: Hmmm?
Me: That’s basically what bf did to me.
Mom: (I could hear the tears in her voice) Oh honey…

For the first time in my life I can completely relate to my mom.  I’ve always felt a disconnect because we had never had any experiences that were remotely similar.  I really want to give my dad a piece of my mind… To let him know that (ex) bf did the same thing to me and hurt his daughter so deeply.  How would you like that, Dad? Huh? How would it sound coming from your daughter that a man hurt her in the same way in which you’re hurting Mom? Fuck you, Dad.  You’re an asshole.

2 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Family Feud.

I started writing and completely got off topic, so I am now starting over.

Over the weekend I did a lot of thinking about why people do the things they do to their families.  Here’s a summary of the situation regarding my bf’s family:

Bf’s Aunt D was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer a little over a week ago.  Aunt D has two kids and three siblings, one full sibling and two half siblings.  Aunt D’s son has visited his mom once in the past 3 years, and that was to get money from her.  Aunt D’s half siblings did nothing to help her during her messy divorce.  Aunt D’s half brother has smoked himself stupid (def no disrespect here – he’s an awesome guy…just has no clue).  Aunt D’s half sister is the snobby, I’m-too-good-for-you type.  Aunt D’s full brother and his wife (bf’s parents) took Aunt D in during her divorce and she has lived there since that time.  She considers that her home.  The house happens to be a small, older trailer that sits at the bottom of a hill on her dad’s property.  When Aunt D was diagnosed with cancer, Aunt D’s kids got a lawyer to draw up papers to have Aunt D sign.  I’m guessing (but don’t know for sure) that the papers might have to do with power of attorney and perhaps inheritance.  That was their FIRST act.  Snobby and her husband took Aunt D from her home because “she can’t live in a place like this”.  ‘This’ being a trailer.  Granted, there was a mold issue in the trailer, but that was more Aunt D’s doing than anyone’s (she’s a bit of a hoarder and refused to clean her room – ever.  When they realized mold was growing, they cleaned everything and tried to get Aunt D to do the same, but she wouldn’t.  Now that Aunt D is gone they were able to empty her room [which held about the same amount of stuff I have in an apartment] and deep clean it with bleach.  No more mold issue.).  Aunt D’s daughter came and got her car over the weekend.

I don’t understand Aunt D’s kids or Snobby.  They decided a long time ago to basically write her off unless she presented some kind of advantage to them.  Her kids want her money.  Snobby wants to be the long-suffering saint.  Snobby is being all “woe is me” every chance she gets.  Aunt D was perfectly happy where she was.  There’s so much to this and I really don’t have time to put the entire story down…  I have just been completely flabbergasted (such a great word) at the actions of Aunt D’s family.  Bf’s parents have been so crushed by everything…  Snobby is screening Aunt D’s calls and won’t answer when bf’s parents call.  Snobby is blocking bf’s parents on fb.  Really?  Bf’s parents have been there for Aunt D like no one else in that family.  Snobby refuses to drive Aunt D to see her dad.  A feud has brewed for years.  That whole thing has just blown up and spewed everywhere.

Question: has Snobby or the kids even asked Aunt D what she wants?

Unfortunately the next time bf’s parents, Aunt D’s dad, bf, bf’s sister, etc. will see Aunt D will be at her funeral.  That makes me very sad for this family…  Bf’s parents have sorted through all of Aunt D’s belongings.  They have set aside things that they know she especially loves and would like to have. They’re hoping that Snobby and the kids will actually let Aunt D have them nearby.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Actionable Love.

A couple of weeks ago I said, “I love you” just before getting off the phone with my boyfriend.  I didn’t mean to, really.  Isn’t that a problem?  Saying “I love you” should never be a mistake.  As humans we tend to get into a routine.  Some are good, some are bad, and some are neither.  When I said “I love you” to him, I did mean that I do love him, but I said the words out of habit and routine, not because I was feeling especially affectionate towards him at that time.  Of course the expression of love shouldn’t be limited to only when we’re happy.  Love is not merely a feeling.  Love is a verb, something that is actionable.  When I do laundry and dishes and vacuum and take the dog out every morning, that’s part of love.  That is me showing him that his environment is important to me.  When I let him sleep longer than I really think necessary, that is me showing him that his mental and physical well being is important to me.  When I drive him to work each morning and pick him up each evening (which adds an hour to my commute each way) because his car is a piece of crap, that is me showing him that I care about his financial stability.  All of these things I do for my boyfriend are extensions of the love I feel for him.

And in one month I will be moving out.  Why? Because his sister is coming back with her two kids and he needs to help her out for a few months while she gets on her feet.  And because we can’t “work on our shit” while we live together.  Those are his words.  This is why I think I’m moving out: He needs time/space to figure his shit out.  **sigh** While my friends around me continue to pop out babies and get married, I will move out.  I’m not sure how long I should give him to figure said shit out.  The only reason I’ve agreed to this cockamamie idea is because I love him and want to show him through this action that I support him and his need to do whatever it is he’s doing.  But, there’s definitely going to have to be some sort of time limit.  I can’t wait forever…  And that thought makes me very sad…

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Inevitable.

I spent a good bit of this morning crying.  I cried when I left the house this morning.  I cried during part of my drive to work.  I cried for a good 20 minutes once at work (after I remembered no one else was coming to the office today – can’t have ppl walking in on my emotional crisis).

I have started a semi-serious apartment/house search.  That is what started my office crying.  The more I think about my current situation, the more I realize that my boyfriend and I will end up in separate housing – it’s inevitable.  Perhaps that is negative thinking.  I feel that I’m being realistic.

He really wants to help his sister out of her bullshit situation.  In order to do that they need to get a place together for at least a couple of months until she can find a job and support herself and her two children.  In the meantime, he and I will (more than likely) not live together.  Technically we could all live together, but in order for my boyfriend and I to really work on our relationship, we both feel that a total separation and restart is necessary.  That does not make any of this easier.

I was looking back through my text messages.  The last time I got an “I love you” text was on September 6th.  After our big blow-up, he told me I shouldn’t tell him that I love him because he feels obligated to say it back.  I told him that I do love him.  That I am just saying what I feel.  He said that he loves me too, but that he wants to step back from everything, to slow down…  I feel like he has completely stopped.

Last night I cried before bedtime because I really, really wanted a kiss (and now I’m tearing up again).  I was standing in the living room trying to breathe, but not hyperventilate, trying to play it cool…  I am so  bad at that!  He asked what was wrong.  I said, “I’m not sure what to do.”  He said, “I thought you were going to bed.”  I said, “I am.”  He said, “Ok.”  He then said, “Do you need a goodnight hug?”  I said, “Sure.”  I hugged him so tight and so long.  I didn’t want to let go.  Being in each other’s arms felt so nice, so right.

I miss him.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

I’m Having a Monday.

I need (another) cup of coffee.  I have a feeling that if I walk back to the kitchen that the pot will be empty.  Today is Monday.  And today is proving to be a full-fledged Monday. 

Side thought: Do you ever wonder why a Monday is a Monday?  I mean, of course it’s a Monday.  It IS Monday.  I know when people say, “Today is such a Monday” they mean something like, “What a messed up day today is turning out to be.”  Sometimes on Thursday I say, “Feels like a Monday”.  And that isn’t because I feel like I just had a weekend, but more because I’m having a crappy day.

Therefore, today is a full-fledged Monday.  I’m glad I remembered to shower and get dressed.  I almost forgot breakfast.  Brought popcorn (?) for lunch…  I got to the office and the placed WREAKED.  The office has a sewer problem.  😐  I sit down at my desk and start working (imagine that – working before playing on the internet).  I forgot to address an envelope before sticking it in the outgoing mailbox.  Thankfully I was able to correct the mistake before the mail carrier (can’t I just say mail man? Why do I have to be so PC?  Our “mail carrier” is a man…) arrived.  I misspelled my name when filling out a document.  Thankfully said document is not that important.  No one acutally looks at it.  I just have to put it in every family’s file in order for the file to be declared “complete”.  And, I managed to hole punch and staple a document on the incorrect sides.

My boyfriend says I need to go back to bed.  I agree.

I feel like I’m being productive here at work today.  That’s a plus.  I’m almost done with my latest home study.  I’m so excited!  Haha.  Home studies usually take forever to complete.  I started this home study last week.  I love having people who actually fill out their part of the paperwork in a timely manner.  See Egotistical Boss? When families do their part, I can do mine.  Not my fault when things are late if the family hasn’t completed their paperwork.  I’m loving this family.  🙂

I don’t think I ever actually write about what I initially intended to write about.  Oh well.

Good day.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized