Tag Archives: happiness

Hurting Heart.

Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

While I was purusing Facebook this evening I noted your sister’s status (not ver batem): “Had a great day decorating with the kids, ex-boyfriend, and slut-he-cheated-with!”  What the what? <– that’s what went through my brain.

Immediate meltdown ensued.  I didn’t just cry.  I sobbed.  You know, those deep guttaral sounds that makes you wonder if someone is dying?  Yes, gut wrenching sobs.  He had told me that I’d “ruined their friendship” and that she told him she’d never talk to him again… And on Thanksgiving he’d said they still weren’t talking.  So, my dear, this is what I ask of you:

  • Why have you done the things you’ve done?
  • Why did you continue with the lies?
  • Why am I so stupid?
  • Where did everything go so wrong?
  • Why did you ever propose in the first place?
  • Why does my heart hurt so much?
  • Why did you drag me out here?
  • Why are your parents so wonderful to me?
  • Why didn’t you let me break up with you the first time I tried?
  • Why did you want to hang on to us?
  • Why did you say you still love me?
  • Why do you want to remain friends?
  • Why did you expect me to trust you?
  • Why would she want to be with you knowing you were cheating on me to be with her?
  • Why can’t I see these things coming from a mile away?
  • Have you always lied to me?
  • Was this the first time you did this to me?
  • Are you happy?

I feel foolish and angry and sad.

Forever not yours,
Your Ex-Girlfriend

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A Real Post.

Ok.  The previous post was just stupid (let’s be honest and call it what it really is).

I have been incredibly restless this weekend.  The weekends are harder than the weekdays.  This weekend has been boring.  I caught up on Dexter… I only own the first season, so throughout this week I watched seasons 2-6.  I moved on to True Blood.  True Blood is one of those shows that you should NOT watch if you are 1.) squeemish, 2.) conservative, 3.) sexually reserved, 4.) homophobic, 5.) anti-drug/alcohol,  etc.

Change in thought:
My boobs have been hurting and I’m starting to cramp like crazy.  Here comes Aunt Flow.  Lol.  I’m a little late.  Nothing to worry about though.  I have a feeling that by the end of this day, I’ll be doing my monthly thing.  I’ve never been quite regular unless I was on birth control.  When I was on the pill, I’d know the day and relative time of day that I’d be starting and ending my monthly.  That was nice.  I haven’t been on the pill in a long time.  Currently I have no interest in the pill whatsoever because my boyfriend and I are (hoping) planning on starting a family in the near future… But while I’m discussing birth control, maybe I should share my thoughts on safe sex…

I grew up quite sheltered.  I know a lot of people say they were “sheltered” children, but I didn’t know much about the real world until I met one of my best friends (who happens to be a guy).  I went to my first bar with him.  I had been drunk before I had met him, but way drunker than I had ever been after I met him.

Ok, safe sex talk is for another blog.  This one will be about my best guy friend (BGF).

I met BGF in college during the Spring 2006 semester.  I was so shy.  I walked in to our Developmental Psychology class and nearly all of the seats were taken except one between two guys: BGF and another guy who also became a friend.  After that class we also had Community Psychology together.  The three of us always sat together and we sometimes went to one of the local bars after class for a quick drink.  The next semester BGF and I had a couple of other classes together.  We became study buddies and really good friends.

When I met BGF I:
1. was a virgin
2. thought most single, never-married people were virgins
3. had never touched an illegal substance
4. didn’t cuss. Ever.
5. and probably a lot of other naive things…

1. I live with my boyfriend and we have sex
2. I’ve never been married (and again) I have sex
3.I’ve dabbled with a couple illegal substances
4. I fucking cuss
5. and I’ve done a bunch of other things my family would never approve of

I’ve come a long way.  Haha.  No, I have not and will not sleep with BGF.  BGF brought me out of my shell.  I learned a lot about humanity and the way we are because I decided to become a nonjudgmental individual.  I chose to be open and honest with myself.  Now, I’m not saying that corrupting me was the right thing for BGF to do.  The thing is, I think I wanted to be corrupted, that I was already that way deep down inside but just didn’t know how to go about becoming a “normal” person.

I don’t love everything about myself or everything I’ve done in my life.  In fact, I’ve made a shit ton of mistakes.  But that’s how we grow.  We make mistakes, we learn, and we change because of what we have learned.  Right now my life situation isn’t optimal.  But life could be a lot worse.  I’ve made some pretty big mistakes, but because I learned from them I was able to change for the better and now — I’m happy.

Good day.

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