Tag Archives: Heartache

Moving Craziness.

Earlier this week a friend really punched my emotions in the stomach.  This was part of the conversation:

“Is your ex going to help move you?”
“I don’t know.  He’s being noncommittal right now.”
“At least he’s consistent.”

Ouch.  That hurt.

That all said, this friend has been tremendous!  He has let me use his garage to store all of my belongings until I can get into my new apartment.  He has let me use his bed while I wait.  And he has helped me move everything over in the last couple of days and will be helping me move it all into my apartment tomorrow.  I have to say he’s a good friend.  And he’s honest.  And blunt.

This is the moving craziness:

Last week my landlady said, “hey we have to be out by the 1st”.  I thought, holy crap that’s next weekend.  Then she says, “I need you to have all of your stuff out by Thursday night.”  WHAT?!  I quickly found a new apartment to live in and then had to figure out what to do with my things from Thursday to Saturday.  I have to say, my friend is amazing.  He didn’t have to let me invade his space and home.  I didn’t even ask. He volunteered.

As for my ex? He has a date tomorrow night and can’t help.  What-the-fuck-ever.  I need to let him go.  I need to move on.  This moving craziness needs to extend to my heart.  As I move, move on.  Just let it all go.  Try, try, try…

Heartbreak is a terrible thing.

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Stuck Words.

There are words, sentences, pleas that I would like to spew at my ex’s family.  But I cannot.  At least not right now.  There are different words for his extended family, but to his mother and sister there are certain things they should know and understand.  These are the words that are stuck:

You take him for granted.  You two talk about being used and abusd and yet you don’t even realize that you are the ones using and abusing him.  Sister, you leave your children with him all the time.  You talked about how your cousin shouldn’t’ve left her son with him while her mother was dying in the hospital, and yet every night you drive away from home leaving him there with YOUR children.  I understand that your life was a living hell with your husband, but that does not give you the right to leave your brother to raise your children while you slink down the road to whore yourself away for the drugs you so desperately desire.  Mother, you invite drama and chaos into your home and create calamity among your family.  You say you hate the conflicts, and yet you embrace conflict like an old friend and spread it around as though it is an irrisistable delight.  I can see your eyes light up when you tell me that so-and-so said or did such-and-such and how terrible said such-and-such is.

Can you guys not see what you are doing to him?  You complain that he’s such an ass all the time, but guess what? You’re treating him like an ass!  Remember the golden rule?  Treat others as you’d want to be treated?  He has such great love in his heart for those he cares about.  He doesn’t complain about never having a free night.  He doesn’t buy into the drama.  He simply let’s that roll off his shoulders because he cannot do anything about it.  But can’t you see that he is a broken man?  He has his own hurts and turmoil and you two can’t even see it!

Why do you think I broke up with him?  Because of that slut, Amy? No.  Because he’s an ass? Partially.  But ultimately I broke up with him because I knew that he needed me to be the bad guy.  He couldn’t bring himself to break my heart.  I came to realize that being the cause of my pain was too much for him.  So I took it upon myself.  I did not want to break up with him.  I love him.  I love him so much it hurts!  He needs to heal.  He needs time.  And it’s not from all this recent shit either.  This is stuff from years and years ago, long before I even came along.  You know he hasn’t seen his kids since he left his ex-wife, right?  And you know that woman has been withholding phones calls from him, right?  You know his heart breaks when she does that, right?  Could you imagine not being able to see or talk to your child because some bitch ass woman thinks she’s better than you?  I understand that he needs to deal with his stuff in his way and in his time.  He couldn’t meet my needs and our needs because he can’t even meet his own.  And you two aren’t helping either.

I talk alot about hearts breaking.  Have you ever truly felt that pain?  You know, that pain that literally, physically feels as though someone has reached through your chest and squeezed your heart with both hands? Tried to shred it? Twisted your heart and stabbed it with sharp fingernails?  Have you ever felt that?  I feel that everyday when I think about him and the pain he is going though.  The pain you two can’t seem to comprehend.

Don’t be surprised when he just ups and disappears.  Don’t be surprised when he decides to put himself first for once in his life.  Don’t be suprised when your selfishness drives him away…  He’s already starting his escape. Can’t you feel it?  Why do you think I’m always offering to watch the kids or volunteering to be available if you guys need me?  Because I know you are using and abusing him.  You take him for granted.

I love him.  When he hugged me the other day, I felt like I was home.  I cry all the time because I feel so lost and alone without him near.  He needs his time.  He needs his space.  He needs to figure out his stuff before he completely falls apart.

Please.  Please, please stop this madness.

I just rambled all that out with no real process… There’s so much I’d like to say. Obviously.

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Relating.

After visiting with my sister, brother-in-law, and brand new nephew in the hospital for a few hours, I met my parents, brother, and other nephew for dinner.  After dinner my mom and I went back to the hospital with my nephew so he could visit with his baby brother for a bit.  On the way there this conversation unfolded:

Mom: I’m seeing a counselor.
Me: Oh yeah? Why’s that?
Mom: Well, your dad and I are having problems.
Me: Ok.  Well, is the counseling helping? Are you both going?
Mom: No. Just me.  Well, your father has come twice.  I’m going more out of spite than anything.  I guess you can know what’s happening.
Me: Alright.
Mom: Your father found a friend from high school on Facebook.  They were messaging back and forth. (I’m sure if darkness hadn’t fallen that she would have seen the color drain from my face.)  Then he told her that she could email him on his work email!  I told him that I didn’t have a problem with them talking, but it should be on our joint email.
Me: Oh dear.
Mom: Yeah, so then I find out he’s been emailing her and texting with her and skyping with her.  You know his new phone?
Me: Yeah…
Mom: He got that so he could talk to her.
Me: What?!
Mom: I know.  He told me that if I had such a problem with it to get counseling.  So I am.
Me: I’m so sorry, Mom.
Mom: The worst part is is that he has admitted that they’ve been flirtatious and suggestive.
Me: What a (I wanted to say asshole or dick) jerk!
Mom: Yeah.  He told the counselor the first time that he came with me that he was like the guy in Proverbs that follows the harlot and not Wisdom.
Me: But he hasn’t changed anything, right?
Mom: He keeps saying they aren’t talking as much.
Me: I’m so sorry, Mom… I can completely relate.
Mom: Hmmm?
Me: That’s basically what bf did to me.
Mom: (I could hear the tears in her voice) Oh honey…

For the first time in my life I can completely relate to my mom.  I’ve always felt a disconnect because we had never had any experiences that were remotely similar.  I really want to give my dad a piece of my mind… To let him know that (ex) bf did the same thing to me and hurt his daughter so deeply.  How would you like that, Dad? Huh? How would it sound coming from your daughter that a man hurt her in the same way in which you’re hurting Mom? Fuck you, Dad.  You’re an asshole.

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