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I Need Bail.

I have the most awesomest (I’m aware that awesomest isn’t a word) boss ever.¬† ūüôā¬† She, my other coworker, and I were discussing silly, crazy¬†boys with mommy issues (perfect Monday morning conversation) and she offered to be my bail-out should I need it.¬† Just text her and she’ll call with a work emergency.¬† Crazy thing is, in my line of work, a work emergency is very believable.¬† Some things that have happened recently that have required immediate attention:

  1. Kid caught with marijuana at school
  2. Kid attacked foster parents 4 times (not same kid as above)
  3. Baby born and needed placed
  4. Emergency meeting 2 hours away

I apologize if you’re a previous date and you’re reading this and I’ve left said date with a work emergency.¬† I’ve done it before and I will so totally do it again.¬† Why?¬† Because men who make dehumanizing and¬†sexist remarks, take uneaten food from another person’s plate, look 5+ years older than his online profile picture, and/or live in his parents’ basement with several ferrets and cats make me want to vomit and I’d rather do that in the comfort of my own space (you know, since I don’t actually have a home).

So now I have a bail-out.¬† Just text and she’ll call.¬† I have the most awesomest boss ever.

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Stuck Words.

There are words, sentences, pleas that I would like to spew at my ex’s family.¬† But I cannot.¬† At least not right now.¬† There are different words for his extended family, but to his mother and sister there are certain things they should know and understand.¬† These are the words that are stuck:

You take him for granted.¬† You two talk about being used and abusd and yet you don’t even realize that you are the ones using and abusing him.¬† Sister, you leave your children with him all the time.¬† You talked about how your cousin shouldn’t’ve left her son with him while her mother was dying in the hospital, and yet every night you drive away from home leaving him there with YOUR children.¬† I understand that your life was a living hell with your husband, but that does not give you the right to leave your brother to raise your children while you slink down the road to whore yourself away for the drugs you so desperately desire.¬† Mother, you invite drama and chaos into your home and create calamity among your family.¬† You say you hate the conflicts, and yet you embrace conflict like an old friend and spread it around as though it is an irrisistable delight.¬† I can see your eyes light up when you tell me that so-and-so said or did such-and-such and how terrible said such-and-such is.

Can you guys not see what you are doing to him?¬† You complain that he’s such an ass all the time, but guess what? You’re treating him like an ass!¬† Remember the golden rule?¬† Treat others as you’d want to be treated?¬† He has such great love in his heart for those he cares about.¬† He doesn’t complain about never having a free night.¬† He doesn’t buy into the drama.¬† He simply let’s that roll off his shoulders because he cannot do anything about it.¬† But can’t you see that he is a broken man?¬† He has his own hurts and turmoil and you two can’t even see it!

Why do you think I broke up with him?¬† Because of that slut, Amy? No.¬† Because he’s an ass? Partially.¬† But ultimately I broke up with him because I knew that he needed me to be the bad guy.¬† He couldn’t bring himself to break my heart.¬† I came to realize that being the cause of my pain was too much for him.¬† So I took it upon myself.¬† I did not want to break up with him.¬† I love him.¬† I love him so much it hurts!¬† He needs to heal.¬† He needs time.¬† And it’s not from all this recent shit either.¬† This is stuff from years and years ago, long before I even came along.¬† You know he hasn’t seen his kids since he left his ex-wife, right?¬† And you know that woman has been withholding phones calls from him, right?¬† You know his heart breaks when she does that, right?¬† Could you imagine not being able to see or talk to your child because some bitch ass woman thinks she’s better than you?¬† I understand that he needs to deal with his stuff in his way and in his time.¬† He couldn’t meet my needs and our needs because he can’t even meet his own.¬† And you two aren’t helping either.

I talk alot about hearts breaking.¬† Have you ever truly felt that pain?¬† You know, that pain that literally, physically feels as though someone has reached through your¬†chest and squeezed your heart with both hands? Tried to shred it? Twisted your heart and stabbed it with sharp fingernails?¬† Have you ever felt that?¬† I feel that everyday when I think about him and the pain he is going though.¬† The pain you two can’t seem to comprehend.

Don’t be surprised when he just ups and disappears.¬† Don’t be surprised when he decides to put himself first for once in his life.¬† Don’t be suprised when your selfishness drives him away…¬† He’s already starting his escape. Can’t you feel it?¬† Why do you think I’m always offering to watch the kids or volunteering to be available if you guys need me?¬† Because I know you are using and abusing him.¬† You take him for granted.

I love him.  When he hugged me the other day, I felt like I was home.  I cry all the time because I feel so lost and alone without him near.  He needs his time.  He needs his space.  He needs to figure out his stuff before he completely falls apart.

Please.  Please, please stop this madness.

I just rambled all that out with no real process… There’s so much I’d like to say. Obviously.

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