Tag Archives: life

Forever Friends.

My ex has told me, “I told her she’d have to be okay with me hanging out with you.  You’re one of my best friends.  If she doesn’t like it she can go away.”

My good friend dropped by the office today to sign something for me.  We talked about an upcoming second date of his.  He said that we (he and I) should also hangout this coming Sunday.  I said, “So long as your probably-future-girlfriend is okay with it.”  Hesaid, “She’s going to have to be okay with our time together.”

Apparently I make a really good friend.  I feel a sadness knowing this.  Like, am I girlfriend worthy?  Will I ever be?  Maybe this is all back asswards.  I should be happy that I make such a good friend.  I know I should be.


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Inspired Tattoos.

I currently have three tattoos.  Two are butterflies, one is the word “love” shaped into a heart.  I really, really want more tattoos!!  O.o  I’m going to be the crazy old lady covered in tattoos.  🙂  (I’m not at all upset about this idea – obviously.)

So, I’ve been thinking about getting a bumblebee tattoo because my last name means bumblebee in German (now you all can go google that and find my last name).  Haha.  I’ve been googling and pinteresting bumblebees and tattoos of bumblebees.  I only like a few of the tattoos I’ve seen.

Anyway, I am a lover of the Harry Potter books.  Like, I am such a lover of Harry Potter that I would am seriously considering getting a tattoo reflecting my love of Harry Potter.  There are soooo many people who have already done so, too!  Who knew?!  I’m so jealous of their ink… the “I must not tell lies” in white ink on the back of their right hands, the symbol of the deathly hollows, the stars that are depicted in the books, Hedwig, Quidditch, quotes from Albus Dumbledore, “Mischief Managed” and “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good”…  Oh my goodness…  There’s so many wonderful ideas!  They’re endless!  I’ve caught (more of) the Harry Potter fever…

Btw, I’m currently on Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.



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Butt Flaps.


So, I was somehow roped into doing a 5K with my coworkers.  I am NOT a runner.  At all.  Ever.  The 5K is on April 19th.  Naturally I put off training until yesterday (yay procrastination!).  I decided I may as well start with the Couch to 5K app that I put on my phone ages ago.  I made it halfway through the first workout.  Well, I mean, I did 30 minutes of walking/running, but only the first 15 minutes (ok, 13 minutes) involved me following what my phone was telling me to do.

And the really sad/funny/pathetic realization of the whole experience is this: I have butt flaps.

Yes.  Butt flaps.

I’m not an elephant, but I’m no pixie either (brownie points for recognizing where the pixie comment came from).  That said, when I did my first attempt at running/jogging I thought I had something stuck to the back of my pants or maybe caught on my shoe.  I ran a hand down my back side, didn’t feel anything.  Looked at my shoes, all was well.  Then I realized: oh, that’s the flab between my ass and legs hitting my butt.  Nice.  Butt flaps.


I will keep this up.  I will finish that 5K on April 19th even if I have to crawl over the finish line!

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The printer has been broken since Wednesday.  I was barely in the office at all last week and did not know of the dilemma until Friday morning.  I asked why no one (coworker and her intern) said anything to myself or our boss.  We could’ve had it fixed in no time.  Anyway, yesterday I called the repair people.  They had to order a part.  Today it’s up and running again.

While I have my printer at my disposal to complete my billing, etc., I have been daydreaming instead.  I’ve been on Pinterest and YouTube.  I’ve been looking up pregnancy pictures and watching pregnancy announcement videos.

Nope.  I’m not pregnant.

I’m just dreaming about the day I find out that I am…

Knowing me, I’ll get pregnant accidentally on purpose so that I have a baby before I’m dead.  (This melancholy thing is vicious towards my self-confidence.)  I was thinking about how my parents would react.  The videos I’ve watched feature couples sharing the “happy news”.  In my foreseen situation, I would be making an announcement to my family in my parents’ home with happiness in my heart, dread in my stomach, and nervousness on my face.  I would be ecstatic.  But, my family would not be.  They would be thoroughly disappointed.

For now I’ll daydream.  Maybe sometime soon I can get serious about my accidental pregnancy.

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Dear Readers.

I have reached FIFTY subscribers!!  What?!  That’s INCREDIBLE!!

Who knew that so many people would be interested in my personal battles, drama, life stories, struggles (battles and struggles aren’t necessarily synonymous – just saying), joys, musings, and sometimes, mundane thoughts.

I appreciate each and every one of you!  Thank you so, so very much!

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Living Arrangements.

What to do?!

I’ve talked at length with my landlady.  She herself is at a loss as to what to do.  She moved in to this townhouse thinking she’d be making commission with her job about last month.  Well now she probably won’t be making commission for another 3 months.  So, she can’t afford rent here and I can’t afford to pay (much) more than I already do.  That said, she has asked the landlord (see rent’s the place and I rent the basment-ish area) to sublease the unit.  So, now the place is up for rent again and neither of us know the next move.

  • If I get the job I interviewed for yesterday, I will be able to afford my own place.  🙂
  • If I don’t get the job, I need to find a different place (probably someone else’s basement) pronto.
  • If my roomy/housemate/landlady moves in with her bf, I need to find a different place to live pronto.
  • If she breaks up with her bf she might move back to her hometown and I will need to find a place pronto.
  • If she breaks up with or stays with her bf and they don’t move in together, we could find another place together with less rent/space.

Right now I like the last option best.

Did I mention (I know I didn’t) that my ex wants me to move back in with me?  So there’s that.  Apparently his sister is going to get them evicted and he can’t stand living with her and blah, blah, blah.  So he suggested we move in together if I get the job.  I said that he would have to understand that we would have to have a 2BR place with each of us splitting everything 50/50.  And I asked if he thought awkwardness would ensue if either of us started dating/sleeping with someone new.  His reply, “do you have a fuck buddy?”  Well, no, I said.  That’s not the point though.  I need him to understand that he’s not going to just waltz back into my bed and become my partner again just because we might live together.  He needs to prove that he can treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

So yeah.  How bout them apples?

Don’t get me wrong, I love the man.  I just feel this overwhelming need to protect my heart…

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**A couple of weeks ago bf and I decided that yes, we would continue dating.  He also told me to not sit around waiting for him.  That if I became friends with someone and thought there might be something there, just let him know.  He won’t be mad.  He wants me to be happy.  So, we also decided that we would date, work on our shiz, but at the same time wouldn’t be exclusive – wait, or are we exclusive but we just keeping our options open, or …??**

I stayed with my bf over the weekend.  I’ve officially moved.  I signed up on ChristianMingle.com and eHarmony.com because I remember that he said something about not waiting around, but then I was confused because we’re exclusive, or something like that.  I felt guilty for signing up and I’ve just let the accounts sit there until I figure out what’s going on.  While he was at work yesterday (I swear I was not snooping) I found out that he has an OkCupid account.  I didn’t know if I should be mad about that.  I made dating site accounts.  But I thought this was just me that was keeping options open – wait, that doesn’t make sense either.  Oh my goodness.  So confused.  So, I decided to not be mad.  How could I be?  I did not click on the link (on his computer when you open a new tab it lists recent sites.  Mine used to do that until I did something funky and every time I open a window, google shows up. Whatever.).  I did not want to see when his account was made, or how many messages he had, or if he was meeting anyone, or etc., etc., etc.  Instead, I had a talk with my bf when he got home from work.

Me: So, I decided not to go to that interview tomorrow.
BF: Ok. Why?
Me: Well, if we’re going to be working on us, I should probably stay where I am for now.  I mean, I really like the job I have now and I have a good living situation.
BF: Might as well not mess up a good thing.
Me: Well, yeah.  But also, I think we really need to figure our shit out before I move back this way.
BF: Ok.
Me: I mean, well, are we exclusive?  I’m a little confused about that.  I mean, you said to not wait around, but we’re still together, and…
BF: Um…
Me: I’m just saying that I need more clearly defined lines.  I’m personally not comfortable with being exclusive or whatever and still dating around or something.  It has to be you and me 100% or…
BF: Just friends.
Me: Yeah.  I’m just having a hard time figuring out who we are.
BF: Well, we shouldn’t make that decision right now.
Me: I agree.  And I’m not trying to put a timeframe on this.  No pressure. Really.  I just don’t like grey areas like this.  You and me, or not.  So yeah…
BF: Ok.  I understand that.

I did such a good job not crying at all through that conversation.  My heart wants to be with him.  My brain is telling me to stand strong.  We both have choices to make, issues to think about, considerations to ponder…

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A Real Post.

Ok.  The previous post was just stupid (let’s be honest and call it what it really is).

I have been incredibly restless this weekend.  The weekends are harder than the weekdays.  This weekend has been boring.  I caught up on Dexter… I only own the first season, so throughout this week I watched seasons 2-6.  I moved on to True Blood.  True Blood is one of those shows that you should NOT watch if you are 1.) squeemish, 2.) conservative, 3.) sexually reserved, 4.) homophobic, 5.) anti-drug/alcohol,  etc.

Change in thought:
My boobs have been hurting and I’m starting to cramp like crazy.  Here comes Aunt Flow.  Lol.  I’m a little late.  Nothing to worry about though.  I have a feeling that by the end of this day, I’ll be doing my monthly thing.  I’ve never been quite regular unless I was on birth control.  When I was on the pill, I’d know the day and relative time of day that I’d be starting and ending my monthly.  That was nice.  I haven’t been on the pill in a long time.  Currently I have no interest in the pill whatsoever because my boyfriend and I are (hoping) planning on starting a family in the near future… But while I’m discussing birth control, maybe I should share my thoughts on safe sex…

I grew up quite sheltered.  I know a lot of people say they were “sheltered” children, but I didn’t know much about the real world until I met one of my best friends (who happens to be a guy).  I went to my first bar with him.  I had been drunk before I had met him, but way drunker than I had ever been after I met him.

Ok, safe sex talk is for another blog.  This one will be about my best guy friend (BGF).

I met BGF in college during the Spring 2006 semester.  I was so shy.  I walked in to our Developmental Psychology class and nearly all of the seats were taken except one between two guys: BGF and another guy who also became a friend.  After that class we also had Community Psychology together.  The three of us always sat together and we sometimes went to one of the local bars after class for a quick drink.  The next semester BGF and I had a couple of other classes together.  We became study buddies and really good friends.

When I met BGF I:
1. was a virgin
2. thought most single, never-married people were virgins
3. had never touched an illegal substance
4. didn’t cuss. Ever.
5. and probably a lot of other naive things…

1. I live with my boyfriend and we have sex
2. I’ve never been married (and again) I have sex
3.I’ve dabbled with a couple illegal substances
4. I fucking cuss
5. and I’ve done a bunch of other things my family would never approve of

I’ve come a long way.  Haha.  No, I have not and will not sleep with BGF.  BGF brought me out of my shell.  I learned a lot about humanity and the way we are because I decided to become a nonjudgmental individual.  I chose to be open and honest with myself.  Now, I’m not saying that corrupting me was the right thing for BGF to do.  The thing is, I think I wanted to be corrupted, that I was already that way deep down inside but just didn’t know how to go about becoming a “normal” person.

I don’t love everything about myself or everything I’ve done in my life.  In fact, I’ve made a shit ton of mistakes.  But that’s how we grow.  We make mistakes, we learn, and we change because of what we have learned.  Right now my life situation isn’t optimal.  But life could be a lot worse.  I’ve made some pretty big mistakes, but because I learned from them I was able to change for the better and now — I’m happy.

Good day.

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