Tag Archives: love

Forever Friends.

My ex has told me, “I told her she’d have to be okay with me hanging out with you.  You’re one of my best friends.  If she doesn’t like it she can go away.”

My good friend dropped by the office today to sign something for me.  We talked about an upcoming second date of his.  He said that we (he and I) should also hangout this coming Sunday.  I said, “So long as your probably-future-girlfriend is okay with it.”  Hesaid, “She’s going to have to be okay with our time together.”

Apparently I make a really good friend.  I feel a sadness knowing this.  Like, am I girlfriend worthy?  Will I ever be?  Maybe this is all back asswards.  I should be happy that I make such a good friend.  I know I should be.

Life.

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Awkward Dream.

I had a dream that my ex walked into my bedroom completely naked, with a boner.  I got up and went about my day and he followed me everywhere – naked, with a boner.  And his girlfriend was trailing behind him with a smile plastered to her face.  She was wearing a fancy dress.  If someone referred to her, they called her “Swamp Hag Big Bangs.”  I felt a mixture of pleasure and pity at the teasing.  Really, the dream was quite awkward.  My ex, naked, with a boner.  His girlfriend, following along.

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Inspired Tattoos.

I currently have three tattoos.  Two are butterflies, one is the word “love” shaped into a heart.  I really, really want more tattoos!!  O.o  I’m going to be the crazy old lady covered in tattoos.  🙂  (I’m not at all upset about this idea – obviously.)

So, I’ve been thinking about getting a bumblebee tattoo because my last name means bumblebee in German (now you all can go google that and find my last name).  Haha.  I’ve been googling and pinteresting bumblebees and tattoos of bumblebees.  I only like a few of the tattoos I’ve seen.

Anyway, I am a lover of the Harry Potter books.  Like, I am such a lover of Harry Potter that I would am seriously considering getting a tattoo reflecting my love of Harry Potter.  There are soooo many people who have already done so, too!  Who knew?!  I’m so jealous of their ink… the “I must not tell lies” in white ink on the back of their right hands, the symbol of the deathly hollows, the stars that are depicted in the books, Hedwig, Quidditch, quotes from Albus Dumbledore, “Mischief Managed” and “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good”…  Oh my goodness…  There’s so many wonderful ideas!  They’re endless!  I’ve caught (more of) the Harry Potter fever…

Btw, I’m currently on Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

**love**

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Moving Craziness.

Earlier this week a friend really punched my emotions in the stomach.  This was part of the conversation:

“Is your ex going to help move you?”
“I don’t know.  He’s being noncommittal right now.”
“At least he’s consistent.”

Ouch.  That hurt.

That all said, this friend has been tremendous!  He has let me use his garage to store all of my belongings until I can get into my new apartment.  He has let me use his bed while I wait.  And he has helped me move everything over in the last couple of days and will be helping me move it all into my apartment tomorrow.  I have to say he’s a good friend.  And he’s honest.  And blunt.

This is the moving craziness:

Last week my landlady said, “hey we have to be out by the 1st”.  I thought, holy crap that’s next weekend.  Then she says, “I need you to have all of your stuff out by Thursday night.”  WHAT?!  I quickly found a new apartment to live in and then had to figure out what to do with my things from Thursday to Saturday.  I have to say, my friend is amazing.  He didn’t have to let me invade his space and home.  I didn’t even ask. He volunteered.

As for my ex? He has a date tomorrow night and can’t help.  What-the-fuck-ever.  I need to let him go.  I need to move on.  This moving craziness needs to extend to my heart.  As I move, move on.  Just let it all go.  Try, try, try…

Heartbreak is a terrible thing.

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If We Were Still Dating.

If we were still dating, I’d be revising and rechecking and re-editing my checklists and address lists and guest lists for our wedding.  If we were still dating I’d be making final decisions on the wedding colors so that the bridesmaids and groomsmen would know what to buy.  If we were still dating we’d be getting married in 6 months from yesterday.

I miss you.

I love you still.

I’m sorry.

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Stuck Words.

There are words, sentences, pleas that I would like to spew at my ex’s family.  But I cannot.  At least not right now.  There are different words for his extended family, but to his mother and sister there are certain things they should know and understand.  These are the words that are stuck:

You take him for granted.  You two talk about being used and abusd and yet you don’t even realize that you are the ones using and abusing him.  Sister, you leave your children with him all the time.  You talked about how your cousin shouldn’t’ve left her son with him while her mother was dying in the hospital, and yet every night you drive away from home leaving him there with YOUR children.  I understand that your life was a living hell with your husband, but that does not give you the right to leave your brother to raise your children while you slink down the road to whore yourself away for the drugs you so desperately desire.  Mother, you invite drama and chaos into your home and create calamity among your family.  You say you hate the conflicts, and yet you embrace conflict like an old friend and spread it around as though it is an irrisistable delight.  I can see your eyes light up when you tell me that so-and-so said or did such-and-such and how terrible said such-and-such is.

Can you guys not see what you are doing to him?  You complain that he’s such an ass all the time, but guess what? You’re treating him like an ass!  Remember the golden rule?  Treat others as you’d want to be treated?  He has such great love in his heart for those he cares about.  He doesn’t complain about never having a free night.  He doesn’t buy into the drama.  He simply let’s that roll off his shoulders because he cannot do anything about it.  But can’t you see that he is a broken man?  He has his own hurts and turmoil and you two can’t even see it!

Why do you think I broke up with him?  Because of that slut, Amy? No.  Because he’s an ass? Partially.  But ultimately I broke up with him because I knew that he needed me to be the bad guy.  He couldn’t bring himself to break my heart.  I came to realize that being the cause of my pain was too much for him.  So I took it upon myself.  I did not want to break up with him.  I love him.  I love him so much it hurts!  He needs to heal.  He needs time.  And it’s not from all this recent shit either.  This is stuff from years and years ago, long before I even came along.  You know he hasn’t seen his kids since he left his ex-wife, right?  And you know that woman has been withholding phones calls from him, right?  You know his heart breaks when she does that, right?  Could you imagine not being able to see or talk to your child because some bitch ass woman thinks she’s better than you?  I understand that he needs to deal with his stuff in his way and in his time.  He couldn’t meet my needs and our needs because he can’t even meet his own.  And you two aren’t helping either.

I talk alot about hearts breaking.  Have you ever truly felt that pain?  You know, that pain that literally, physically feels as though someone has reached through your chest and squeezed your heart with both hands? Tried to shred it? Twisted your heart and stabbed it with sharp fingernails?  Have you ever felt that?  I feel that everyday when I think about him and the pain he is going though.  The pain you two can’t seem to comprehend.

Don’t be surprised when he just ups and disappears.  Don’t be surprised when he decides to put himself first for once in his life.  Don’t be suprised when your selfishness drives him away…  He’s already starting his escape. Can’t you feel it?  Why do you think I’m always offering to watch the kids or volunteering to be available if you guys need me?  Because I know you are using and abusing him.  You take him for granted.

I love him.  When he hugged me the other day, I felt like I was home.  I cry all the time because I feel so lost and alone without him near.  He needs his time.  He needs his space.  He needs to figure out his stuff before he completely falls apart.

Please.  Please, please stop this madness.

I just rambled all that out with no real process… There’s so much I’d like to say. Obviously.

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Bestie.

Today’s Daily Prompt challenges us to describe the most important person in our lives.  I’ll call my bestie “Anne” in this post.

I once wrote a story about how my very best friend and I met as a college assignment.  During the summer of 1998, Anne had moved to the base where we went to school.  This was the summer between 8th and 9th grade.  We were 14.  I was late to youth group that night and our youth leader was about to start some crazy three-legged race/tag game.  We got paired up.  She was wearing JNCOs and a tight black shirt.  I was wearing some unfashionable getup with turquoise socks.  Ha!  Sometimes two people just click.  We became instant friends and have been close throughout the years.  Here are some facts about Anne (and some about us):

  1. She was born 1 month and 10 days before me.
  2. She is an Army brat.
  3. She has really pretty hair.
  4. She has an amazing smile.
  5. She is married.
  6. She has two boys and another boy on the way.
  7. She lives in a state that I love.
  8. She loves Jesus.
  9. She’s a lightweight. 😉
  10. She has a sister.
  11. She has two sister-in-laws.
  12. She has two nieces and two nephews.
  13. Her favorite color is blue.
  14. She texts me in the middle of the night all the time and I don’t care.
  15. We can talk for hours on the phone.
  16. She lives about 13 1/2 hours from me.
  17. Since high school we haven’t lived in the same vicinity.
  18. When she texts, I usually get 6 or more messages at once.  🙂
  19. She is an amazing writer.
  20. She loves her crocs.
Here are reasons why I cherish Anne:
  1. When I have a problem, she listens to me and gives me wonderful advice.  Ex: When my ex and I were having problems, she gave me her perspective on the problem and her opinion as to what I should do.  But she also assured me she would support whatever I decided to do.
  2. She lets me bitch.  Ex: This goes along with the one above.  When I’m pissed, she let’s me rant and rave.
  3. She takes my side.  Always.  Ex: She supports my decisions.  When I was first dating my ex, she just loved him.  When things went south, she was mad just as much as I was.  When I call with a problem, she takes my side.  When I’m excited, she’s excited.
  4. She is very thoughtful.  Ex: A few months ago I received a random present in the mail.  In it was a bit of soil from the place we first met.  That just meant the world to me.
  5. She makes time for me.  Ex: Generally she calls me when she’s driving to/from various places.  She does a lot of running around with one of her kiddos and while I know she must be exhausted, she calls and chats.  And when she’s at home and doesn’t feel like doing housework, she’ll call. 🙂  And she takes my calls at anytime.

Anne is an amazing woman.  She’s a great mom and wife.  She’s my absolute bestest friend in the whole world wide.  I love her.

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Death and Dying.

Talking about death is generally not easy.  My ex’s aunt is dying.  Apparently she’s been dying for 5 years and no one, including herself, knew.  At the beginning of November she was diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer… don’t ask what kind.  Because I don’t know.  I’m guessing lung cancer (this is a good time for me to seriously consider quitting smoking, and although I don’t smoke much, it’s still a good idea).  Anyway, the first time I saw Aunt D when she first became ill, she was weak and sleeping all the time.  The next time she couldn’t walk in a straight line.  I made sure (or someone made sure) to walk with her if she got up from her recliner because she would turn left without knowing it and keep walking towards the left.  Between the left-faces and weakness, she was surely gonna faceplant into a wall or the floor.  The next time I saw Aunt D she was in the hospital.  She had lost most of her hair.  She was so very thin.  Aunt D was mostly alert and interacted with others.  The next time I saw Aunt D she had been moved to the hospice care unit. She was awake sometimes, but sleeping most of the time.  She didn’t want anything to eat and she kept trying to take her oxygen mask off.  She didn’t talk much, but she enjoyed having people hold her hand and read to her from her Bible.  Today was probably my last visit with Aunt D.  She slept the entire time.  I could sense her breaths becoming further and further apart.

When a loved one is dying, I can’t help but remember the good times.  Isn’t that what death is about in some ways? Reflection?  I remember Aunt D’s long, flowing hair.  Her bright smile and cute laugh.  She loves(d?) to cross stitch various things and was always doing something crafty.  While she could be bossy, she enjoyed the company of others.  (I can’t figure out if I’m supposed to use past or present tense…)

Every time my phone rings from either my ex or one of his family members calling, I have a mini anxiety attack… You know that tingly feeling that starts at the top of your chest and plummets to your stomach?  That.  There’s really no reason to fear death because it’s natural.  And I don’t fear death because I have been saved through grace…  Still, it’s sad and hard and not easy to hear that someone you love is no longer here…

I feel like I have no train of thought…

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Humanity.

Type 1 – Kindness.

I was sitting in a local diner with my intern.  As we waited for our food to be delivered, the lady (probably in her 70s) at the booth in front of us walked to the booth behind us where another woman (also probably in her 70s) sat.  The following conversation unfolded:

Old Lady 1: Hi.  I was wondering if you’d like to join me at my table.
Old Lady 2: Oh.  That’s ok.  I’m used to eating alone.
Old Lady 1: Me too.  But if you’d like to eat together that would be nice.
Old Lady 2: Well, I think I’ll just sit here.
Old Lady 1: I would really like the company.
Old Lady 2: Thank you so much.  I really appreciate that.

The two old ladies ate dinner together and seemed to connect in only a way two old ladies can.  They chatted and giggled throughout their meal.

——–

Type 2 – Oblivious.

I had gotten to work at 8am on Thursday morning and parked right in front of the office door.  I had to unload and haul in $1800+ worth of toys and clothes for my foster kiddos.  And then I had to take all of that stuff up to the third floor in the building, and no, there’s no elevator.  I share the building with others.  I unloaded the vehicle and then made six trips up and down the stairs.  People on the second floor watched me complete the task.  One lady sang, “Santa Claus is coming to town!”  Really?  Can you not see that I have a bajillion things to carry up?  Maybe a little help?  Oh well.

——–

Type 3 – Asshole.

An ex emailed me the other day asking how I was doing.  And then he said, “I regret everything in the past.  Just to let you know.  You are the kinkiest girl I’ve ever been with.”  Of all the things he gleaned from our relationship, me being his kinkiest partner is what stands out in his mind… Not the hours I spent driving to/from his place (this was an LDR) or meals I cooked or the cleaning I did or anything else?  And why do you regret everything? Is it because I was the kinkiest or because you finally fucking realized that cheating is wrong?  Whatever.

——–

Type 4 – Empathic.

Yesterday I had a team meeting regarding one of my foster kids.  Bio mom was explaining her own childhood.  As she cried she described why she had been removed from her parents when she was only 5 years old and how she bounced around from foster home to foster home, never feeling that anyone loved her.  And then she said that she will do anything to make sure that doesn’t happen to her own daughter.  As foster mom and I were leaving, foster mom cried about how bio mom’s foster parents were supposed to love her like their own child.  My chest did it’s normal heaving thing when I’m trying to not cry and my eyes welled up with tears.  Though I wasn’t in foster care and my foster mom wasn’t a foster child, we can both understand pain and suffering.  The suffering bio mom went through gives me and the team a better understanding of what has gone wrong and how we can help her make the necessary changes.  I’m going to be bio mom’s cheerleader and do everything in my power to help her realize her potential to be a great mom.

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Hurting Heart.

Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

While I was purusing Facebook this evening I noted your sister’s status (not ver batem): “Had a great day decorating with the kids, ex-boyfriend, and slut-he-cheated-with!”  What the what? <– that’s what went through my brain.

Immediate meltdown ensued.  I didn’t just cry.  I sobbed.  You know, those deep guttaral sounds that makes you wonder if someone is dying?  Yes, gut wrenching sobs.  He had told me that I’d “ruined their friendship” and that she told him she’d never talk to him again… And on Thanksgiving he’d said they still weren’t talking.  So, my dear, this is what I ask of you:

  • Why have you done the things you’ve done?
  • Why did you continue with the lies?
  • Why am I so stupid?
  • Where did everything go so wrong?
  • Why did you ever propose in the first place?
  • Why does my heart hurt so much?
  • Why did you drag me out here?
  • Why are your parents so wonderful to me?
  • Why didn’t you let me break up with you the first time I tried?
  • Why did you want to hang on to us?
  • Why did you say you still love me?
  • Why do you want to remain friends?
  • Why did you expect me to trust you?
  • Why would she want to be with you knowing you were cheating on me to be with her?
  • Why can’t I see these things coming from a mile away?
  • Have you always lied to me?
  • Was this the first time you did this to me?
  • Are you happy?

I feel foolish and angry and sad.

Forever not yours,
Your Ex-Girlfriend

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