Tag Archives: love

Online Dating.

These are the things I’ve learned with using online dating sites:

  1. Most guys around my age are divorced with children.
  2. I will send 30 messages and receive one.
    • Some guy got upset at me because I didn’t respond to his message.  He is 41.  I’m 30.  He is divorced with like 4 kids and doesn’t want any more children.  I have no children and definitely wants kids.  I didn’t think a response was necessary due to our lack of commonalities.  He told me I wouldn’t find someone to marry me. Ever.  And that he’s a nice guy and I’m not nice because I didn’t respond.  My response to that? “You haven’t shown me that you’re nice at all. I apologize for offending you. If I expected a response from every person I messaged, I’d be waiting forever.”  Oh well.
  3. I attract women as well as men… (Hmmm…)  😉
  4. Some guys just want sex.
    • I want sex, too.  But I would really like to follow my logical brain and not just jump into bed with someone… You know, form a friendship, get to know each other, figure out what we each are looking for in a relationship, etc.  Now, my slutty, sex-deprived brain says, “YOU HAVEN’T BEEN LAID IN THREE MONTHS!”  **sigh**  That’s why God made fingers and BOBs, right?  Sure.
  5. Many guys are genuinely seeking love.
  6. I need to be more specific in my “what I’m looking for” section – this might help weed out some of the weirdos.  Lol
  7. Patience is needed.
  8. Free dating websites have a lot of creepers.
  9. I really enjoy the anonymity of online messaging.
  10. I will *always* follow my meet-for-the-first-time-in-public rule. Always.

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Relating.

After visiting with my sister, brother-in-law, and brand new nephew in the hospital for a few hours, I met my parents, brother, and other nephew for dinner.  After dinner my mom and I went back to the hospital with my nephew so he could visit with his baby brother for a bit.  On the way there this conversation unfolded:

Mom: I’m seeing a counselor.
Me: Oh yeah? Why’s that?
Mom: Well, your dad and I are having problems.
Me: Ok.  Well, is the counseling helping? Are you both going?
Mom: No. Just me.  Well, your father has come twice.  I’m going more out of spite than anything.  I guess you can know what’s happening.
Me: Alright.
Mom: Your father found a friend from high school on Facebook.  They were messaging back and forth. (I’m sure if darkness hadn’t fallen that she would have seen the color drain from my face.)  Then he told her that she could email him on his work email!  I told him that I didn’t have a problem with them talking, but it should be on our joint email.
Me: Oh dear.
Mom: Yeah, so then I find out he’s been emailing her and texting with her and skyping with her.  You know his new phone?
Me: Yeah…
Mom: He got that so he could talk to her.
Me: What?!
Mom: I know.  He told me that if I had such a problem with it to get counseling.  So I am.
Me: I’m so sorry, Mom.
Mom: The worst part is is that he has admitted that they’ve been flirtatious and suggestive.
Me: What a (I wanted to say asshole or dick) jerk!
Mom: Yeah.  He told the counselor the first time that he came with me that he was like the guy in Proverbs that follows the harlot and not Wisdom.
Me: But he hasn’t changed anything, right?
Mom: He keeps saying they aren’t talking as much.
Me: I’m so sorry, Mom… I can completely relate.
Mom: Hmmm?
Me: That’s basically what bf did to me.
Mom: (I could hear the tears in her voice) Oh honey…

For the first time in my life I can completely relate to my mom.  I’ve always felt a disconnect because we had never had any experiences that were remotely similar.  I really want to give my dad a piece of my mind… To let him know that (ex) bf did the same thing to me and hurt his daughter so deeply.  How would you like that, Dad? Huh? How would it sound coming from your daughter that a man hurt her in the same way in which you’re hurting Mom? Fuck you, Dad.  You’re an asshole.

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Choices.

**A couple of weeks ago bf and I decided that yes, we would continue dating.  He also told me to not sit around waiting for him.  That if I became friends with someone and thought there might be something there, just let him know.  He won’t be mad.  He wants me to be happy.  So, we also decided that we would date, work on our shiz, but at the same time wouldn’t be exclusive – wait, or are we exclusive but we just keeping our options open, or …??**

I stayed with my bf over the weekend.  I’ve officially moved.  I signed up on ChristianMingle.com and eHarmony.com because I remember that he said something about not waiting around, but then I was confused because we’re exclusive, or something like that.  I felt guilty for signing up and I’ve just let the accounts sit there until I figure out what’s going on.  While he was at work yesterday (I swear I was not snooping) I found out that he has an OkCupid account.  I didn’t know if I should be mad about that.  I made dating site accounts.  But I thought this was just me that was keeping options open – wait, that doesn’t make sense either.  Oh my goodness.  So confused.  So, I decided to not be mad.  How could I be?  I did not click on the link (on his computer when you open a new tab it lists recent sites.  Mine used to do that until I did something funky and every time I open a window, google shows up. Whatever.).  I did not want to see when his account was made, or how many messages he had, or if he was meeting anyone, or etc., etc., etc.  Instead, I had a talk with my bf when he got home from work.

Me: So, I decided not to go to that interview tomorrow.
BF: Ok. Why?
Me: Well, if we’re going to be working on us, I should probably stay where I am for now.  I mean, I really like the job I have now and I have a good living situation.
BF: Might as well not mess up a good thing.
Me: Well, yeah.  But also, I think we really need to figure our shit out before I move back this way.
BF: Ok.
Me: I mean, well, are we exclusive?  I’m a little confused about that.  I mean, you said to not wait around, but we’re still together, and…
BF: Um…
Me: I’m just saying that I need more clearly defined lines.  I’m personally not comfortable with being exclusive or whatever and still dating around or something.  It has to be you and me 100% or…
BF: Just friends.
Me: Yeah.  I’m just having a hard time figuring out who we are.
BF: Well, we shouldn’t make that decision right now.
Me: I agree.  And I’m not trying to put a timeframe on this.  No pressure. Really.  I just don’t like grey areas like this.  You and me, or not.  So yeah…
BF: Ok.  I understand that.

I did such a good job not crying at all through that conversation.  My heart wants to be with him.  My brain is telling me to stand strong.  We both have choices to make, issues to think about, considerations to ponder…

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Actionable Love.

A couple of weeks ago I said, “I love you” just before getting off the phone with my boyfriend.  I didn’t mean to, really.  Isn’t that a problem?  Saying “I love you” should never be a mistake.  As humans we tend to get into a routine.  Some are good, some are bad, and some are neither.  When I said “I love you” to him, I did mean that I do love him, but I said the words out of habit and routine, not because I was feeling especially affectionate towards him at that time.  Of course the expression of love shouldn’t be limited to only when we’re happy.  Love is not merely a feeling.  Love is a verb, something that is actionable.  When I do laundry and dishes and vacuum and take the dog out every morning, that’s part of love.  That is me showing him that his environment is important to me.  When I let him sleep longer than I really think necessary, that is me showing him that his mental and physical well being is important to me.  When I drive him to work each morning and pick him up each evening (which adds an hour to my commute each way) because his car is a piece of crap, that is me showing him that I care about his financial stability.  All of these things I do for my boyfriend are extensions of the love I feel for him.

And in one month I will be moving out.  Why? Because his sister is coming back with her two kids and he needs to help her out for a few months while she gets on her feet.  And because we can’t “work on our shit” while we live together.  Those are his words.  This is why I think I’m moving out: He needs time/space to figure his shit out.  **sigh** While my friends around me continue to pop out babies and get married, I will move out.  I’m not sure how long I should give him to figure said shit out.  The only reason I’ve agreed to this cockamamie idea is because I love him and want to show him through this action that I support him and his need to do whatever it is he’s doing.  But, there’s definitely going to have to be some sort of time limit.  I can’t wait forever…  And that thought makes me very sad…

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Inevitable.

I spent a good bit of this morning crying.  I cried when I left the house this morning.  I cried during part of my drive to work.  I cried for a good 20 minutes once at work (after I remembered no one else was coming to the office today – can’t have ppl walking in on my emotional crisis).

I have started a semi-serious apartment/house search.  That is what started my office crying.  The more I think about my current situation, the more I realize that my boyfriend and I will end up in separate housing – it’s inevitable.  Perhaps that is negative thinking.  I feel that I’m being realistic.

He really wants to help his sister out of her bullshit situation.  In order to do that they need to get a place together for at least a couple of months until she can find a job and support herself and her two children.  In the meantime, he and I will (more than likely) not live together.  Technically we could all live together, but in order for my boyfriend and I to really work on our relationship, we both feel that a total separation and restart is necessary.  That does not make any of this easier.

I was looking back through my text messages.  The last time I got an “I love you” text was on September 6th.  After our big blow-up, he told me I shouldn’t tell him that I love him because he feels obligated to say it back.  I told him that I do love him.  That I am just saying what I feel.  He said that he loves me too, but that he wants to step back from everything, to slow down…  I feel like he has completely stopped.

Last night I cried before bedtime because I really, really wanted a kiss (and now I’m tearing up again).  I was standing in the living room trying to breathe, but not hyperventilate, trying to play it cool…  I am so  bad at that!  He asked what was wrong.  I said, “I’m not sure what to do.”  He said, “I thought you were going to bed.”  I said, “I am.”  He said, “Ok.”  He then said, “Do you need a goodnight hug?”  I said, “Sure.”  I hugged him so tight and so long.  I didn’t want to let go.  Being in each other’s arms felt so nice, so right.

I miss him.

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Waiting. Received. Accepted.

My alarm went off at 6am, as usual.  I hit snooze, as usual.  I got up before the snooze alarm went off.  I went to the bathroom to do my normal morning stuff.  Took a shower and then sat on the couch, cuddling with the doggy for a few minutes.  I got up to get dressed and that is when my morning started going downhill.

My nose started bleeding as I was looking for clothes to wear – not that I don’t have clothes to wear, I just couldn’t find the one shirt I wanted.  So, I grabbed a tissue from my nightstand.  I knew I was making too much noise when my boyfriend rolled over and let out a frustrated moan.  I tried to make less noise.  I’m not sure if I succeeded on the noise reduction.

Because I was having issues finding clothing that was both casual and work-appropriate, I ended up having to turn on the light, at which point my boyfriend let out an exasperated sigh.  I quickly grabbed clothes from the dresser and closet, turned out the lights, and headed to the living room in order to get dressed.

While dressing I hear my boyfriend’s alarm go off (which I thought he had forgotten to un-set the day before as I was unaware that he had to work today) which sounds like a pissed off Aunt Jemima yelling at her lazy-ass son: “Get your ass outta bed! Get up! Get up! You got stuff to do today! Get up! Get your ass outta bed!” etc.  After I finished getting dressed I hurried outside with the dog.  I needed a cigarette before facing my boyfriend, knowing he was not going to be happy about being woken up before he was actually supposed to be getting up.

As I came inside, my boyfriend was stretching in the doorway.  He informed me that he indeed did have to work today and seemed irritated that I had not remembered him mentioning said work the previous day.  I recalled him saying that he was unsure if he had to work, but did not recall any confirmation about work being mandated.

My boyfriend went outside for his I’m-awake-and-pissed-at-the-world morning cigarette.  I gathered my things, went out back to say goodbye and he’s taking a piss.  Really.  Honey.  C’mon.  Look, I don’t care if he wants to pee outside.  But it’s freaking cold this morning!  Haha.  His reaction when I stepped outside was, “Damn it woman. What do you want?!”

“Just to say goodbye.”
“Well, goodbye.” He kissed me.

I turned quickly and headed back in before the scrunched up you-hurt-my-feelings face and tears appeared.  I cried through the laundry room, up the stairs, out the front door, and into my car.  I took a deep breath and told myself, “he’s so not a morning person.”

Waiting.

I decided to wait for an apology before texting/calling him at all today.  I waited about 40 minutes before he text me.

Received.

“Sorry dear. Woke up mad. Love u.”  (I secretly hate ‘u’ when one is expressing love.)

Accepted.

“I’m sorry that I woke you up. I know you’re not really a morning person. Lol. Love you. :-)”  (I was immediately my jovial self as soon as I saw that text.  I then went on to explain the nosebleed and clothing issue and blah, blah, blah.

So, all is well in my world again.  I’m so thankful that he realized that he messed up and was more abrasive than need be.  So thankful that he apologized on his own, in his own time, and in his own way.

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Weekend Adventures.

Thursday:
I had started feeling like freaking crap Tuesday evening.  Wednesday was a struggle at work.  Thursday morning I got up at 5AM to get my happy, sickly self to work for 1 1/2 hours and then back to college to teach.  I managed to lecture for a little over 30 minutes before I sent people home.  I was hacking and could barely speak.  Upon arrival at home, I woke my boyfriend, we loaded the vehicle, and we headed out on the road towards the final bike rally of the season.  This rally was located approximately 6 hours from home.  Because of Sandy, we have to get crafty with the driving route.  We ended up going over huge, snow-covered, beautiful mountains on the way to our destination.  For about 2 hours of the drive there were NO gas stations, NO fast food restaurants, NO bathrooms, NO civilization… By the time we hit a tiny town on the other side of the mountains, we were both desperate for a break from the winding roads.  We took care our bodily needs, grabbed drinks, filled up my tires with air, and got back to the travels.

We arrived at our destination around 430PM.  To say the temperature outside was “cold” would be an understatement.  Sure, the temp may have been around 40 degrees, but the wind was blowing and the sky was fully covered in dense clouds.  At that time I was wearing long johns (top and bottom), long sleeve shirt, hoodie, sweat pants, socks, shoes, bra.  I pulled on gloves and a scarf as well.  That evening we set up the vendor tent and went in search of a hotel.  The original plan was to sleep in the vendor tent.  I am so very grateful that we could actually get a hotel!  The area had a surviellance team so we didn’t have to stay with the tent.

Friday:
We arrived back at the bike rally area at around 10AM.  We spent 6 hours setting up the merchandise.  I was wearing long johns (top and bottom), jeans, long sleeve shirt, hoodie, bra, scarf, gloves, socks, shoes.  Around 4pm the sun came out and the clouds cleared away.  I was able to (finally) shed my hoodie.

Saturday:
The day of the event, the Teddy Bear Run, we got to the venue at 730AM.  Mind, I had been sick and was still sick.  Each day I had felt worse than the last.  This day was no different.  I had on long johns (top and bottom), sweat pants x 2, long sleeve shirt, hoodie, scarf, gloves x 2, bra, socks x 2, shoes.  Again, around 4PM the sun appeared and the clouds dispersed.  I took off one set of sweats, socks, hoodie, and both sets of gloves.  The event could’ve been busier, but overall we did well with the amount of people that showed up.  We had a crisis moment when packing the truck due to the truck door falling apart.  We were able to do minimal repair work, but the repairs were good enough to get home.

That evening we stopped about an hour from the event site.  We ate hot food and grabbed a hotel room.  I definitely had a fever.  I slept okay that evening.

Sunday:
This was my favorite day of the weekend.

My boyfriend and I left the hotel around 930AM.  We decided to take a very indirect route home.  We took back roads most of the way.  So, what should have been a 6 hour drive turned into an 8 hour adventure.  🙂

We dropped by my boyfriend’s stomping grounds from when he was in elementary and middle school.  The home he grew up in was in less than poor shape.  Some hateful people had apparently gone ape-shit on the house.  We did manage to salvage a few items that I will treasure even if they aren’t technically “treasures”.  A little wooden bunny rack used to hold remote controls of magazines, an old wine glass with a 1936 La Salle depicted on it, an old sugar and creamer holder, and two white vases/candle holders are among said treasures.  I will have to use a lot of elbow grease to get these items into shape again, but I’m loving each and every item.

I am going back to bed now.

Good day.

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I Will NOT Be “That” Girlfriend.

On FB this morning I noticed that my boyfriend is now friends with this good-looking girl who lives in the same state, but far away, and who has no other mutual friends with me which leads me to believe that she did not go to his high school because if she did she’d be friends with some of mine and my boyfriend’s mutual friends. Then I stopped that train of thought. I will NOT be the over-bearing girlfriend who blows every little thing out of proportion. I truly trust him – without a doubt.

I do believe that some level of jealousy is always good in a relationship, but there is a point at which the jealousy is overboard. Healthy jealousy shows your significant other that you are serious and committed. Over-doing the jealousy shows an unhealthy, anxious attachment.

This girl could be another vendor at the shows. She could’ve been in the Army with him. Maybe they were neighbors at some point. I don’t know. I do know that I am okay with him having female friends because I know that he loves ME.

Good day.

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Hazzards of Blogging.

One thing I always think about before I publish a post is who will be reading this blog.  My boyfriend reads my blog, my best friend, and some other people.  I generally post link to my blogs for my “close friends” on facebook.  The thing is, I was planning on writing about something, and I thought, “will people judge me?”  Why does that matter so much to me?!

In my diet blog I wrote about my bizzare night.  I left out the dream I had because I don’t think the dream had anything to do with the HCG side effects.  Maybe vivid dreams are a side effect though.  Who knows.  Doesn’t really matter.  I have weird dreams all the time.

So, I dreamt that I **almost** had sex with a man that was not my boyfriend.  I’m not sure what to make of that.  Here’s a recap of the dream (it is odd):

D (I know this guy in “real life”) and I are trying to infiltrate some kind of religious center to get the scoop on their crazy ideals (I’m watching too much True Blood).  We were imposing as supporters.  For some reason we hopped on D’s bicycle and were heading to a different building.  D had his shirt off and I was hanging on for dear life.  I kissed his back.  We get to the building and we were talking with various people (D had a shirt again).  We were being really sneaky and got down to some of the lower levels.  We were in this massively long hallway, which was desserted.  We heard someone coming so we quickly made our way into a side room.  D’s shirt was gone again.  He made a comment (I don’t know what it was) and my heart stopped.  I knew that he was going to kiss me and that if he did that that everything would continue to heat up and that eventually we’d be naked on the floor.  I abruptly woke up.

I believe that dreams are just that – dreams.  I don’t think that there are any “hidden meanings” behind the dreams.  I do not actually want to have sex with D.  There are many reasons for that.  The biggest reason is that I love my boyfriend very much and do not feel drawn (sexually) to other guys.  This dream kind of freaked me out though because I feel like I kinda cheated on my boyfriend even though I didn’t.  I did wake up desperately wanting my boyfriend here so that we could get all tangled up in the sheets this morning…   🙂

I hope my boyfriend has a good day today.  5 weeks until he’s home!  I’m so ready for him to be home…

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Referrals.

As you know by now, I am a Foster Care Social Worker.  Today I was hoping to leave work around 10 minutes ago (4PM).  Instead, we received a referral and now I have to play phone tag and the waiting game.

Part of my duties and responsibilities at my agency include teaching a class that prepares people to become foster and adoptive parents.  During this class we discuss many things such as teamwork, attachment, discipline, loss and grief, family relationships, planning for change, and a multitude of other necessary components of foster care and adoption.  When I discuss the referral process I state something like this:

The DHHR calls us with a referral.  We ask many questions about the child or sibling group in order to know as much as possible about the situation before contacting our families about the referral.  We ask questions regarding behaviors, education, medical needs, abuse and neglect history, placement history, and reunification plans.  If the child has been in the system for a long time or if the DHHR has been involved with family in order to prevent a foster care placement, chances are that we will know a good bit about the child or sibling group.  However, there are many times when we receive very limited information about the situation.  Sometimes we only know the age and race of the children.  So, when we call you with a referral, we will pass on whatever details we have gathered.  If I state “that is all I know,” that means that I have no further information about the children.

So, today I called a family and said something like, “we have a 21 month old Caucasian boy, [name], who is developmentally delayed.  I’m not sure what ‘developmentally delayed’ means in this situation because the worker didn’t know what kind of delays the child has.  Also, mom is incarcerated, but the worker didn’t know what for.  Dad is MIA.  The boyfriend is very violent towards the mother and baby.  This is all I know.”  Thankfully this family has been through the process enough times to know not to ask, “what developmental delays does the child have? Does he have any behaviors we should know about? What is mom incarcerated for? Where’s the biological father?” etc.

I remember making a referral where I literally knew that there was a boy and a girl and one of them was 1 and the other 2, but I didn’t know which was which (the person who gave me the referral was not the case worker for the children).  That was ALL I knew.  That parent asked me a thousand questions.  I just kept saying, “I don’t have any more information.”

Also, during the classes I teach I stress that we never know all of the information.  We may be told that the child has been neglected, but we may not find out that the child was also sexually abused until 6 months down the road.  Why?  Because a child needs to be know that he/she is in a safe home before confiding such a terrible secret.  We stress the importance of nurturing and loving children.  We stress that positive attention is needed in these children’s lives because the majority of the children in foster care or in need of adoption have a history of abuse and/or neglect.  We have one foster father who really irritates me because I always feel that he is focusing on all the “bad” the child is doing.  I am sure to praise the child for small achievements like a C on a test or a day of no fighting.  Children crave and need praise for the little things so that they know they can do better things.  If they know that they aren’t always bad and that they can do well, then (generally) they act better.

I love the kids I work with.

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