Tag Archives: love

Death and Dying.

Talking about death is generally not easy.  My ex’s aunt is dying.  Apparently she’s been dying for 5 years and no one, including herself, knew.  At the beginning of November she was diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer… don’t ask what kind.  Because I don’t know.  I’m guessing lung cancer (this is a good time for me to seriously consider quitting smoking, and although I don’t smoke much, it’s still a good idea).  Anyway, the first time I saw Aunt D when she first became ill, she was weak and sleeping all the time.  The next time she couldn’t walk in a straight line.  I made sure (or someone made sure) to walk with her if she got up from her recliner because she would turn left without knowing it and keep walking towards the left.  Between the left-faces and weakness, she was surely gonna faceplant into a wall or the floor.  The next time I saw Aunt D she was in the hospital.  She had lost most of her hair.  She was so very thin.  Aunt D was mostly alert and interacted with others.  The next time I saw Aunt D she had been moved to the hospice care unit. She was awake sometimes, but sleeping most of the time.  She didn’t want anything to eat and she kept trying to take her oxygen mask off.  She didn’t talk much, but she enjoyed having people hold her hand and read to her from her Bible.  Today was probably my last visit with Aunt D.  She slept the entire time.  I could sense her breaths becoming further and further apart.

When a loved one is dying, I can’t help but remember the good times.  Isn’t that what death is about in some ways? Reflection?  I remember Aunt D’s long, flowing hair.  Her bright smile and cute laugh.  She loves(d?) to cross stitch various things and was always doing something crafty.  While she could be bossy, she enjoyed the company of others.  (I can’t figure out if I’m supposed to use past or present tense…)

Every time my phone rings from either my ex or one of his family members calling, I have a mini anxiety attack… You know that tingly feeling that starts at the top of your chest and plummets to your stomach?  That.  There’s really no reason to fear death because it’s natural.  And I don’t fear death because I have been saved through grace…  Still, it’s sad and hard and not easy to hear that someone you love is no longer here…

I feel like I have no train of thought…

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Humanity.

Type 1 – Kindness.

I was sitting in a local diner with my intern.  As we waited for our food to be delivered, the lady (probably in her 70s) at the booth in front of us walked to the booth behind us where another woman (also probably in her 70s) sat.  The following conversation unfolded:

Old Lady 1: Hi.  I was wondering if you’d like to join me at my table.
Old Lady 2: Oh.  That’s ok.  I’m used to eating alone.
Old Lady 1: Me too.  But if you’d like to eat together that would be nice.
Old Lady 2: Well, I think I’ll just sit here.
Old Lady 1: I would really like the company.
Old Lady 2: Thank you so much.  I really appreciate that.

The two old ladies ate dinner together and seemed to connect in only a way two old ladies can.  They chatted and giggled throughout their meal.

——–

Type 2 – Oblivious.

I had gotten to work at 8am on Thursday morning and parked right in front of the office door.  I had to unload and haul in $1800+ worth of toys and clothes for my foster kiddos.  And then I had to take all of that stuff up to the third floor in the building, and no, there’s no elevator.  I share the building with others.  I unloaded the vehicle and then made six trips up and down the stairs.  People on the second floor watched me complete the task.  One lady sang, “Santa Claus is coming to town!”  Really?  Can you not see that I have a bajillion things to carry up?  Maybe a little help?  Oh well.

——–

Type 3 – Asshole.

An ex emailed me the other day asking how I was doing.  And then he said, “I regret everything in the past.  Just to let you know.  You are the kinkiest girl I’ve ever been with.”  Of all the things he gleaned from our relationship, me being his kinkiest partner is what stands out in his mind… Not the hours I spent driving to/from his place (this was an LDR) or meals I cooked or the cleaning I did or anything else?  And why do you regret everything? Is it because I was the kinkiest or because you finally fucking realized that cheating is wrong?  Whatever.

——–

Type 4 – Empathic.

Yesterday I had a team meeting regarding one of my foster kids.  Bio mom was explaining her own childhood.  As she cried she described why she had been removed from her parents when she was only 5 years old and how she bounced around from foster home to foster home, never feeling that anyone loved her.  And then she said that she will do anything to make sure that doesn’t happen to her own daughter.  As foster mom and I were leaving, foster mom cried about how bio mom’s foster parents were supposed to love her like their own child.  My chest did it’s normal heaving thing when I’m trying to not cry and my eyes welled up with tears.  Though I wasn’t in foster care and my foster mom wasn’t a foster child, we can both understand pain and suffering.  The suffering bio mom went through gives me and the team a better understanding of what has gone wrong and how we can help her make the necessary changes.  I’m going to be bio mom’s cheerleader and do everything in my power to help her realize her potential to be a great mom.

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Hurting Heart.

Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

While I was purusing Facebook this evening I noted your sister’s status (not ver batem): “Had a great day decorating with the kids, ex-boyfriend, and slut-he-cheated-with!”  What the what? <– that’s what went through my brain.

Immediate meltdown ensued.  I didn’t just cry.  I sobbed.  You know, those deep guttaral sounds that makes you wonder if someone is dying?  Yes, gut wrenching sobs.  He had told me that I’d “ruined their friendship” and that she told him she’d never talk to him again… And on Thanksgiving he’d said they still weren’t talking.  So, my dear, this is what I ask of you:

  • Why have you done the things you’ve done?
  • Why did you continue with the lies?
  • Why am I so stupid?
  • Where did everything go so wrong?
  • Why did you ever propose in the first place?
  • Why does my heart hurt so much?
  • Why did you drag me out here?
  • Why are your parents so wonderful to me?
  • Why didn’t you let me break up with you the first time I tried?
  • Why did you want to hang on to us?
  • Why did you say you still love me?
  • Why do you want to remain friends?
  • Why did you expect me to trust you?
  • Why would she want to be with you knowing you were cheating on me to be with her?
  • Why can’t I see these things coming from a mile away?
  • Have you always lied to me?
  • Was this the first time you did this to me?
  • Are you happy?

I feel foolish and angry and sad.

Forever not yours,
Your Ex-Girlfriend

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Online Dating.

These are the things I’ve learned with using online dating sites:

  1. Most guys around my age are divorced with children.
  2. I will send 30 messages and receive one.
    • Some guy got upset at me because I didn’t respond to his message.  He is 41.  I’m 30.  He is divorced with like 4 kids and doesn’t want any more children.  I have no children and definitely wants kids.  I didn’t think a response was necessary due to our lack of commonalities.  He told me I wouldn’t find someone to marry me. Ever.  And that he’s a nice guy and I’m not nice because I didn’t respond.  My response to that? “You haven’t shown me that you’re nice at all. I apologize for offending you. If I expected a response from every person I messaged, I’d be waiting forever.”  Oh well.
  3. I attract women as well as men… (Hmmm…)  😉
  4. Some guys just want sex.
    • I want sex, too.  But I would really like to follow my logical brain and not just jump into bed with someone… You know, form a friendship, get to know each other, figure out what we each are looking for in a relationship, etc.  Now, my slutty, sex-deprived brain says, “YOU HAVEN’T BEEN LAID IN THREE MONTHS!”  **sigh**  That’s why God made fingers and BOBs, right?  Sure.
  5. Many guys are genuinely seeking love.
  6. I need to be more specific in my “what I’m looking for” section – this might help weed out some of the weirdos.  Lol
  7. Patience is needed.
  8. Free dating websites have a lot of creepers.
  9. I really enjoy the anonymity of online messaging.
  10. I will *always* follow my meet-for-the-first-time-in-public rule. Always.

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Relating.

After visiting with my sister, brother-in-law, and brand new nephew in the hospital for a few hours, I met my parents, brother, and other nephew for dinner.  After dinner my mom and I went back to the hospital with my nephew so he could visit with his baby brother for a bit.  On the way there this conversation unfolded:

Mom: I’m seeing a counselor.
Me: Oh yeah? Why’s that?
Mom: Well, your dad and I are having problems.
Me: Ok.  Well, is the counseling helping? Are you both going?
Mom: No. Just me.  Well, your father has come twice.  I’m going more out of spite than anything.  I guess you can know what’s happening.
Me: Alright.
Mom: Your father found a friend from high school on Facebook.  They were messaging back and forth. (I’m sure if darkness hadn’t fallen that she would have seen the color drain from my face.)  Then he told her that she could email him on his work email!  I told him that I didn’t have a problem with them talking, but it should be on our joint email.
Me: Oh dear.
Mom: Yeah, so then I find out he’s been emailing her and texting with her and skyping with her.  You know his new phone?
Me: Yeah…
Mom: He got that so he could talk to her.
Me: What?!
Mom: I know.  He told me that if I had such a problem with it to get counseling.  So I am.
Me: I’m so sorry, Mom.
Mom: The worst part is is that he has admitted that they’ve been flirtatious and suggestive.
Me: What a (I wanted to say asshole or dick) jerk!
Mom: Yeah.  He told the counselor the first time that he came with me that he was like the guy in Proverbs that follows the harlot and not Wisdom.
Me: But he hasn’t changed anything, right?
Mom: He keeps saying they aren’t talking as much.
Me: I’m so sorry, Mom… I can completely relate.
Mom: Hmmm?
Me: That’s basically what bf did to me.
Mom: (I could hear the tears in her voice) Oh honey…

For the first time in my life I can completely relate to my mom.  I’ve always felt a disconnect because we had never had any experiences that were remotely similar.  I really want to give my dad a piece of my mind… To let him know that (ex) bf did the same thing to me and hurt his daughter so deeply.  How would you like that, Dad? Huh? How would it sound coming from your daughter that a man hurt her in the same way in which you’re hurting Mom? Fuck you, Dad.  You’re an asshole.

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Choices.

**A couple of weeks ago bf and I decided that yes, we would continue dating.  He also told me to not sit around waiting for him.  That if I became friends with someone and thought there might be something there, just let him know.  He won’t be mad.  He wants me to be happy.  So, we also decided that we would date, work on our shiz, but at the same time wouldn’t be exclusive – wait, or are we exclusive but we just keeping our options open, or …??**

I stayed with my bf over the weekend.  I’ve officially moved.  I signed up on ChristianMingle.com and eHarmony.com because I remember that he said something about not waiting around, but then I was confused because we’re exclusive, or something like that.  I felt guilty for signing up and I’ve just let the accounts sit there until I figure out what’s going on.  While he was at work yesterday (I swear I was not snooping) I found out that he has an OkCupid account.  I didn’t know if I should be mad about that.  I made dating site accounts.  But I thought this was just me that was keeping options open – wait, that doesn’t make sense either.  Oh my goodness.  So confused.  So, I decided to not be mad.  How could I be?  I did not click on the link (on his computer when you open a new tab it lists recent sites.  Mine used to do that until I did something funky and every time I open a window, google shows up. Whatever.).  I did not want to see when his account was made, or how many messages he had, or if he was meeting anyone, or etc., etc., etc.  Instead, I had a talk with my bf when he got home from work.

Me: So, I decided not to go to that interview tomorrow.
BF: Ok. Why?
Me: Well, if we’re going to be working on us, I should probably stay where I am for now.  I mean, I really like the job I have now and I have a good living situation.
BF: Might as well not mess up a good thing.
Me: Well, yeah.  But also, I think we really need to figure our shit out before I move back this way.
BF: Ok.
Me: I mean, well, are we exclusive?  I’m a little confused about that.  I mean, you said to not wait around, but we’re still together, and…
BF: Um…
Me: I’m just saying that I need more clearly defined lines.  I’m personally not comfortable with being exclusive or whatever and still dating around or something.  It has to be you and me 100% or…
BF: Just friends.
Me: Yeah.  I’m just having a hard time figuring out who we are.
BF: Well, we shouldn’t make that decision right now.
Me: I agree.  And I’m not trying to put a timeframe on this.  No pressure. Really.  I just don’t like grey areas like this.  You and me, or not.  So yeah…
BF: Ok.  I understand that.

I did such a good job not crying at all through that conversation.  My heart wants to be with him.  My brain is telling me to stand strong.  We both have choices to make, issues to think about, considerations to ponder…

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Actionable Love.

A couple of weeks ago I said, “I love you” just before getting off the phone with my boyfriend.  I didn’t mean to, really.  Isn’t that a problem?  Saying “I love you” should never be a mistake.  As humans we tend to get into a routine.  Some are good, some are bad, and some are neither.  When I said “I love you” to him, I did mean that I do love him, but I said the words out of habit and routine, not because I was feeling especially affectionate towards him at that time.  Of course the expression of love shouldn’t be limited to only when we’re happy.  Love is not merely a feeling.  Love is a verb, something that is actionable.  When I do laundry and dishes and vacuum and take the dog out every morning, that’s part of love.  That is me showing him that his environment is important to me.  When I let him sleep longer than I really think necessary, that is me showing him that his mental and physical well being is important to me.  When I drive him to work each morning and pick him up each evening (which adds an hour to my commute each way) because his car is a piece of crap, that is me showing him that I care about his financial stability.  All of these things I do for my boyfriend are extensions of the love I feel for him.

And in one month I will be moving out.  Why? Because his sister is coming back with her two kids and he needs to help her out for a few months while she gets on her feet.  And because we can’t “work on our shit” while we live together.  Those are his words.  This is why I think I’m moving out: He needs time/space to figure his shit out.  **sigh** While my friends around me continue to pop out babies and get married, I will move out.  I’m not sure how long I should give him to figure said shit out.  The only reason I’ve agreed to this cockamamie idea is because I love him and want to show him through this action that I support him and his need to do whatever it is he’s doing.  But, there’s definitely going to have to be some sort of time limit.  I can’t wait forever…  And that thought makes me very sad…

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