I spent a good bit of this morning crying. I cried when I left the house this morning. I cried during part of my drive to work. I cried for a good 20 minutes once at work (after I remembered no one else was coming to the office today – can’t have ppl walking in on my emotional crisis).
I have started a semi-serious apartment/house search. That is what started my office crying. The more I think about my current situation, the more I realize that my boyfriend and I will end up in separate housing – it’s inevitable. Perhaps that is negative thinking. I feel that I’m being realistic.
He really wants to help his sister out of her bullshit situation. In order to do that they need to get a place together for at least a couple of months until she can find a job and support herself and her two children. In the meantime, he and I will (more than likely) not live together. Technically we could all live together, but in order for my boyfriend and I to really work on our relationship, we both feel that a total separation and restart is necessary. That does not make any of this easier.
I was looking back through my text messages. The last time I got an “I love you” text was on September 6th. After our big blow-up, he told me I shouldn’t tell him that I love him because he feels obligated to say it back. I told him that I do love him. That I am just saying what I feel. He said that he loves me too, but that he wants to step back from everything, to slow down… I feel like he has completely stopped.
Last night I cried before bedtime because I really, really wanted a kiss (and now I’m tearing up again). I was standing in the living room trying to breathe, but not hyperventilate, trying to play it cool… I am so bad at that! He asked what was wrong. I said, “I’m not sure what to do.” He said, “I thought you were going to bed.” I said, “I am.” He said, “Ok.” He then said, “Do you need a goodnight hug?” I said, “Sure.” I hugged him so tight and so long. I didn’t want to let go. Being in each other’s arms felt so nice, so right.
I miss him.