Tag Archives: love

Inevitable.

I spent a good bit of this morning crying.  I cried when I left the house this morning.  I cried during part of my drive to work.  I cried for a good 20 minutes once at work (after I remembered no one else was coming to the office today – can’t have ppl walking in on my emotional crisis).

I have started a semi-serious apartment/house search.  That is what started my office crying.  The more I think about my current situation, the more I realize that my boyfriend and I will end up in separate housing – it’s inevitable.  Perhaps that is negative thinking.  I feel that I’m being realistic.

He really wants to help his sister out of her bullshit situation.  In order to do that they need to get a place together for at least a couple of months until she can find a job and support herself and her two children.  In the meantime, he and I will (more than likely) not live together.  Technically we could all live together, but in order for my boyfriend and I to really work on our relationship, we both feel that a total separation and restart is necessary.  That does not make any of this easier.

I was looking back through my text messages.  The last time I got an “I love you” text was on September 6th.  After our big blow-up, he told me I shouldn’t tell him that I love him because he feels obligated to say it back.  I told him that I do love him.  That I am just saying what I feel.  He said that he loves me too, but that he wants to step back from everything, to slow down…  I feel like he has completely stopped.

Last night I cried before bedtime because I really, really wanted a kiss (and now I’m tearing up again).  I was standing in the living room trying to breathe, but not hyperventilate, trying to play it cool…  I am so  bad at that!  He asked what was wrong.  I said, “I’m not sure what to do.”  He said, “I thought you were going to bed.”  I said, “I am.”  He said, “Ok.”  He then said, “Do you need a goodnight hug?”  I said, “Sure.”  I hugged him so tight and so long.  I didn’t want to let go.  Being in each other’s arms felt so nice, so right.

I miss him.

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Waiting. Received. Accepted.

My alarm went off at 6am, as usual.  I hit snooze, as usual.  I got up before the snooze alarm went off.  I went to the bathroom to do my normal morning stuff.  Took a shower and then sat on the couch, cuddling with the doggy for a few minutes.  I got up to get dressed and that is when my morning started going downhill.

My nose started bleeding as I was looking for clothes to wear – not that I don’t have clothes to wear, I just couldn’t find the one shirt I wanted.  So, I grabbed a tissue from my nightstand.  I knew I was making too much noise when my boyfriend rolled over and let out a frustrated moan.  I tried to make less noise.  I’m not sure if I succeeded on the noise reduction.

Because I was having issues finding clothing that was both casual and work-appropriate, I ended up having to turn on the light, at which point my boyfriend let out an exasperated sigh.  I quickly grabbed clothes from the dresser and closet, turned out the lights, and headed to the living room in order to get dressed.

While dressing I hear my boyfriend’s alarm go off (which I thought he had forgotten to un-set the day before as I was unaware that he had to work today) which sounds like a pissed off Aunt Jemima yelling at her lazy-ass son: “Get your ass outta bed! Get up! Get up! You got stuff to do today! Get up! Get your ass outta bed!” etc.  After I finished getting dressed I hurried outside with the dog.  I needed a cigarette before facing my boyfriend, knowing he was not going to be happy about being woken up before he was actually supposed to be getting up.

As I came inside, my boyfriend was stretching in the doorway.  He informed me that he indeed did have to work today and seemed irritated that I had not remembered him mentioning said work the previous day.  I recalled him saying that he was unsure if he had to work, but did not recall any confirmation about work being mandated.

My boyfriend went outside for his I’m-awake-and-pissed-at-the-world morning cigarette.  I gathered my things, went out back to say goodbye and he’s taking a piss.  Really.  Honey.  C’mon.  Look, I don’t care if he wants to pee outside.  But it’s freaking cold this morning!  Haha.  His reaction when I stepped outside was, “Damn it woman. What do you want?!”

“Just to say goodbye.”
“Well, goodbye.” He kissed me.

I turned quickly and headed back in before the scrunched up you-hurt-my-feelings face and tears appeared.  I cried through the laundry room, up the stairs, out the front door, and into my car.  I took a deep breath and told myself, “he’s so not a morning person.”

Waiting.

I decided to wait for an apology before texting/calling him at all today.  I waited about 40 minutes before he text me.

Received.

“Sorry dear. Woke up mad. Love u.”  (I secretly hate ‘u’ when one is expressing love.)

Accepted.

“I’m sorry that I woke you up. I know you’re not really a morning person. Lol. Love you. :-)”  (I was immediately my jovial self as soon as I saw that text.  I then went on to explain the nosebleed and clothing issue and blah, blah, blah.

So, all is well in my world again.  I’m so thankful that he realized that he messed up and was more abrasive than need be.  So thankful that he apologized on his own, in his own time, and in his own way.

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Weekend Adventures.

Thursday:
I had started feeling like freaking crap Tuesday evening.  Wednesday was a struggle at work.  Thursday morning I got up at 5AM to get my happy, sickly self to work for 1 1/2 hours and then back to college to teach.  I managed to lecture for a little over 30 minutes before I sent people home.  I was hacking and could barely speak.  Upon arrival at home, I woke my boyfriend, we loaded the vehicle, and we headed out on the road towards the final bike rally of the season.  This rally was located approximately 6 hours from home.  Because of Sandy, we have to get crafty with the driving route.  We ended up going over huge, snow-covered, beautiful mountains on the way to our destination.  For about 2 hours of the drive there were NO gas stations, NO fast food restaurants, NO bathrooms, NO civilization… By the time we hit a tiny town on the other side of the mountains, we were both desperate for a break from the winding roads.  We took care our bodily needs, grabbed drinks, filled up my tires with air, and got back to the travels.

We arrived at our destination around 430PM.  To say the temperature outside was “cold” would be an understatement.  Sure, the temp may have been around 40 degrees, but the wind was blowing and the sky was fully covered in dense clouds.  At that time I was wearing long johns (top and bottom), long sleeve shirt, hoodie, sweat pants, socks, shoes, bra.  I pulled on gloves and a scarf as well.  That evening we set up the vendor tent and went in search of a hotel.  The original plan was to sleep in the vendor tent.  I am so very grateful that we could actually get a hotel!  The area had a surviellance team so we didn’t have to stay with the tent.

Friday:
We arrived back at the bike rally area at around 10AM.  We spent 6 hours setting up the merchandise.  I was wearing long johns (top and bottom), jeans, long sleeve shirt, hoodie, bra, scarf, gloves, socks, shoes.  Around 4pm the sun came out and the clouds cleared away.  I was able to (finally) shed my hoodie.

Saturday:
The day of the event, the Teddy Bear Run, we got to the venue at 730AM.  Mind, I had been sick and was still sick.  Each day I had felt worse than the last.  This day was no different.  I had on long johns (top and bottom), sweat pants x 2, long sleeve shirt, hoodie, scarf, gloves x 2, bra, socks x 2, shoes.  Again, around 4PM the sun appeared and the clouds dispersed.  I took off one set of sweats, socks, hoodie, and both sets of gloves.  The event could’ve been busier, but overall we did well with the amount of people that showed up.  We had a crisis moment when packing the truck due to the truck door falling apart.  We were able to do minimal repair work, but the repairs were good enough to get home.

That evening we stopped about an hour from the event site.  We ate hot food and grabbed a hotel room.  I definitely had a fever.  I slept okay that evening.

Sunday:
This was my favorite day of the weekend.

My boyfriend and I left the hotel around 930AM.  We decided to take a very indirect route home.  We took back roads most of the way.  So, what should have been a 6 hour drive turned into an 8 hour adventure.  🙂

We dropped by my boyfriend’s stomping grounds from when he was in elementary and middle school.  The home he grew up in was in less than poor shape.  Some hateful people had apparently gone ape-shit on the house.  We did manage to salvage a few items that I will treasure even if they aren’t technically “treasures”.  A little wooden bunny rack used to hold remote controls of magazines, an old wine glass with a 1936 La Salle depicted on it, an old sugar and creamer holder, and two white vases/candle holders are among said treasures.  I will have to use a lot of elbow grease to get these items into shape again, but I’m loving each and every item.

I am going back to bed now.

Good day.

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I Will NOT Be “That” Girlfriend.

On FB this morning I noticed that my boyfriend is now friends with this good-looking girl who lives in the same state, but far away, and who has no other mutual friends with me which leads me to believe that she did not go to his high school because if she did she’d be friends with some of mine and my boyfriend’s mutual friends. Then I stopped that train of thought. I will NOT be the over-bearing girlfriend who blows every little thing out of proportion. I truly trust him – without a doubt.

I do believe that some level of jealousy is always good in a relationship, but there is a point at which the jealousy is overboard. Healthy jealousy shows your significant other that you are serious and committed. Over-doing the jealousy shows an unhealthy, anxious attachment.

This girl could be another vendor at the shows. She could’ve been in the Army with him. Maybe they were neighbors at some point. I don’t know. I do know that I am okay with him having female friends because I know that he loves ME.

Good day.

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Hazzards of Blogging.

One thing I always think about before I publish a post is who will be reading this blog.  My boyfriend reads my blog, my best friend, and some other people.  I generally post link to my blogs for my “close friends” on facebook.  The thing is, I was planning on writing about something, and I thought, “will people judge me?”  Why does that matter so much to me?!

In my diet blog I wrote about my bizzare night.  I left out the dream I had because I don’t think the dream had anything to do with the HCG side effects.  Maybe vivid dreams are a side effect though.  Who knows.  Doesn’t really matter.  I have weird dreams all the time.

So, I dreamt that I **almost** had sex with a man that was not my boyfriend.  I’m not sure what to make of that.  Here’s a recap of the dream (it is odd):

D (I know this guy in “real life”) and I are trying to infiltrate some kind of religious center to get the scoop on their crazy ideals (I’m watching too much True Blood).  We were imposing as supporters.  For some reason we hopped on D’s bicycle and were heading to a different building.  D had his shirt off and I was hanging on for dear life.  I kissed his back.  We get to the building and we were talking with various people (D had a shirt again).  We were being really sneaky and got down to some of the lower levels.  We were in this massively long hallway, which was desserted.  We heard someone coming so we quickly made our way into a side room.  D’s shirt was gone again.  He made a comment (I don’t know what it was) and my heart stopped.  I knew that he was going to kiss me and that if he did that that everything would continue to heat up and that eventually we’d be naked on the floor.  I abruptly woke up.

I believe that dreams are just that – dreams.  I don’t think that there are any “hidden meanings” behind the dreams.  I do not actually want to have sex with D.  There are many reasons for that.  The biggest reason is that I love my boyfriend very much and do not feel drawn (sexually) to other guys.  This dream kind of freaked me out though because I feel like I kinda cheated on my boyfriend even though I didn’t.  I did wake up desperately wanting my boyfriend here so that we could get all tangled up in the sheets this morning…   🙂

I hope my boyfriend has a good day today.  5 weeks until he’s home!  I’m so ready for him to be home…

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Referrals.

As you know by now, I am a Foster Care Social Worker.  Today I was hoping to leave work around 10 minutes ago (4PM).  Instead, we received a referral and now I have to play phone tag and the waiting game.

Part of my duties and responsibilities at my agency include teaching a class that prepares people to become foster and adoptive parents.  During this class we discuss many things such as teamwork, attachment, discipline, loss and grief, family relationships, planning for change, and a multitude of other necessary components of foster care and adoption.  When I discuss the referral process I state something like this:

The DHHR calls us with a referral.  We ask many questions about the child or sibling group in order to know as much as possible about the situation before contacting our families about the referral.  We ask questions regarding behaviors, education, medical needs, abuse and neglect history, placement history, and reunification plans.  If the child has been in the system for a long time or if the DHHR has been involved with family in order to prevent a foster care placement, chances are that we will know a good bit about the child or sibling group.  However, there are many times when we receive very limited information about the situation.  Sometimes we only know the age and race of the children.  So, when we call you with a referral, we will pass on whatever details we have gathered.  If I state “that is all I know,” that means that I have no further information about the children.

So, today I called a family and said something like, “we have a 21 month old Caucasian boy, [name], who is developmentally delayed.  I’m not sure what ‘developmentally delayed’ means in this situation because the worker didn’t know what kind of delays the child has.  Also, mom is incarcerated, but the worker didn’t know what for.  Dad is MIA.  The boyfriend is very violent towards the mother and baby.  This is all I know.”  Thankfully this family has been through the process enough times to know not to ask, “what developmental delays does the child have? Does he have any behaviors we should know about? What is mom incarcerated for? Where’s the biological father?” etc.

I remember making a referral where I literally knew that there was a boy and a girl and one of them was 1 and the other 2, but I didn’t know which was which (the person who gave me the referral was not the case worker for the children).  That was ALL I knew.  That parent asked me a thousand questions.  I just kept saying, “I don’t have any more information.”

Also, during the classes I teach I stress that we never know all of the information.  We may be told that the child has been neglected, but we may not find out that the child was also sexually abused until 6 months down the road.  Why?  Because a child needs to be know that he/she is in a safe home before confiding such a terrible secret.  We stress the importance of nurturing and loving children.  We stress that positive attention is needed in these children’s lives because the majority of the children in foster care or in need of adoption have a history of abuse and/or neglect.  We have one foster father who really irritates me because I always feel that he is focusing on all the “bad” the child is doing.  I am sure to praise the child for small achievements like a C on a test or a day of no fighting.  Children crave and need praise for the little things so that they know they can do better things.  If they know that they aren’t always bad and that they can do well, then (generally) they act better.

I love the kids I work with.

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Job Searching.

My close friends (and now you) know that I am unhappy in my current job.  I do love the kids with whom I work.  They make my job less frustrating.  I have no problem with the children.  I have problems with my boss, the slut of the office, and the parents (biological, foster, and adoptive).

After I completed everything I intended to complete yesterday at work, I spent time job searching.  I’m not sure how many jobs I applied to, but hopefully I’ll get a call for an interview sometime soon.

The question is: what do I want to be when I grow up?

The answer: I don’t have a freaking clue.

I completed my Master of Social Work degree because that seemed to be the next logical step in securing a career.  I have no idea what I’m good at though.  Some say I’m good at listening – does that mean I should be a counselor?  Some say that I am good with children – does that mean I should be a teacher, mentor, school counselor, work in child welfare?  Some say that I am creative – I do not think I am creative enough to be in any of the fields related to art.  I know I am good at interacting with people.  I do not want a customer-service-representative-type job.

I’ve applied to 12 jobs this month at USAJOBS.  That does not seem like that many, but that’s only one site.  I’ve applied to probably 6 other jobs through other websites over the last two weeks or so.  At USAJOBS I’ve applied to jobs with the following titles:

  • Psychology Aid & Technician – Tuscon, AZ
  • Psychology Technician – Oklahoma City, OK; Clarksburg, WV
  • Social Worker (Community Based Outreach Center) – Junction City, KS
  • Writer/Editer (Printed Media) – Alexandria, VA
  • Social Worker (Suicide Prevention) – Prescott, AZ
  • Social Worker (Veterans Justice Outreach Specialist) – Salt Lake City, UT
  • Social Worker (Inpatient – Med/Surg/PACT) – Fort Harrison, MT
  • Social Worker – Houston, TX
  • Social Worker (Inpatient Primary Care) – Fargo, ND
  • Contract Speactialist – Montgomery, AL; Prescott, AZ ; Newington, CT; West Haven, CT; Lexington, KY; Louisville, KY; Bedford, MA; Leeds, MA; Roxbury, MA; Manchester, NH; Providence, RI; Murfreesboro, TN; Big Spring, TX; Dallas, TX; San Antonio, TX; Temple, TX; Salt Lake City, UT; White River Junction, VT; Huntington, WV
  • Social Services Representative – Harlem, MT

 For the majority of these positions one must have an MSW and be licensed to independently practice social work at the master degree level.  I qualify for the basic stuff.  The problem is that there are a lot of people looking for jobs who have way more experience and expertise in the social work field than I do.

Of these, I would really like to be considered for either the Suicide Prevention Social Worker or the Psychology Aid & Technician (also has to do with Suicide Prevention).  I have a major interest in Suicide Prevention.  I wrote cover letters for those job applications.  When you apply online, generally, cover letters are not required.  Because I know that I will more than likely be surpassed by an individual with much more experience than I, I typically do not compose a cover letter as the online questionnaire is the basis for whether or not you are “qualified” candidate.

But, for the two jobs pertaining to suicide prevention, I wrote cover letters.  Maybe that will boost my chances…  Maybe because I took the time to write a quick note detailing my interest in the two positions I will get more than just a 3o second glance at my questionnaire responses.

So, why the interest in suicide prevention?  My best friend attempted suicide in high school.  That was so scary.  I’m so glad that she didn’t complete suicide.  In the United States, suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death.  In my state (WV), suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death in individuals ages 14-25.  My state’s suicide rate is HIGHER than the national average.  That is huge.

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Talking with my boyfriend.  I love him.  🙂

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Anyway, job searching.  Yup.

Good day.

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