Tag Archives: Questions

Hurting Heart.

Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

While I was purusing Facebook this evening I noted your sister’s status (not ver batem): “Had a great day decorating with the kids, ex-boyfriend, and slut-he-cheated-with!”  What the what? <– that’s what went through my brain.

Immediate meltdown ensued.  I didn’t just cry.  I sobbed.  You know, those deep guttaral sounds that makes you wonder if someone is dying?  Yes, gut wrenching sobs.  He had told me that I’d “ruined their friendship” and that she told him she’d never talk to him again… And on Thanksgiving he’d said they still weren’t talking.  So, my dear, this is what I ask of you:

  • Why have you done the things you’ve done?
  • Why did you continue with the lies?
  • Why am I so stupid?
  • Where did everything go so wrong?
  • Why did you ever propose in the first place?
  • Why does my heart hurt so much?
  • Why did you drag me out here?
  • Why are your parents so wonderful to me?
  • Why didn’t you let me break up with you the first time I tried?
  • Why did you want to hang on to us?
  • Why did you say you still love me?
  • Why do you want to remain friends?
  • Why did you expect me to trust you?
  • Why would she want to be with you knowing you were cheating on me to be with her?
  • Why can’t I see these things coming from a mile away?
  • Have you always lied to me?
  • Was this the first time you did this to me?
  • Are you happy?

I feel foolish and angry and sad.

Forever not yours,
Your Ex-Girlfriend

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Truth and Trust.

A crucial component of being able to trust is knowing the other person is telling the truth.

The whole reason my bf and I are in this fuckeduppernshit situation is because of deceit.  Because my faith in his honesty was shaken, I now question everything that he tells me.  Every night he goes outside and “talks with his sister”.  Sometimes I know it’s legit because he’ll come back in and tell me about their conversation.  Other times I really wonder if that’s what he’s doing.  The times he’s out there for 2+ hours or the times he is vague about the conversation, I really find myself doubting what he is doing.  Sure, he may be talking on the phone, but with whom??  I hate this sinking feeling.

I went out to smoke and he wasn’t there.  I figured he was walking around talking… At that point he’d been gone for almost 2 hours.  I came back in but couldn’t stay inside for long.  I went back out and smoked again.  When I got back inside, I sat down.  Then I got up and peeked out of our window to see if he was sitting out front.  Nope.  So, I opened the front door to see what I could see.  Nothing…

**sigh**

Why?  What am I doing?  Where is this going?  How will we ever move forward if truth and trust cannot be established?

I need to cry.  I need to pray.  He and I need to talk.

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