Tag Archives: relationship

Living Arrangements.

What to do?!

I’ve talked at length with my landlady.  She herself is at a loss as to what to do.  She moved in to this townhouse thinking she’d be making commission with her job about last month.  Well now she probably won’t be making commission for another 3 months.  So, she can’t afford rent here and I can’t afford to pay (much) more than I already do.  That said, she has asked the landlord (see rent’s the place and I rent the basment-ish area) to sublease the unit.  So, now the place is up for rent again and neither of us know the next move.

  • If I get the job I interviewed for yesterday, I will be able to afford my own place.  🙂
  • If I don’t get the job, I need to find a different place (probably someone else’s basement) pronto.
  • If my roomy/housemate/landlady moves in with her bf, I need to find a different place to live pronto.
  • If she breaks up with her bf she might move back to her hometown and I will need to find a place pronto.
  • If she breaks up with or stays with her bf and they don’t move in together, we could find another place together with less rent/space.

Right now I like the last option best.

Did I mention (I know I didn’t) that my ex wants me to move back in with me?  So there’s that.  Apparently his sister is going to get them evicted and he can’t stand living with her and blah, blah, blah.  So he suggested we move in together if I get the job.  I said that he would have to understand that we would have to have a 2BR place with each of us splitting everything 50/50.  And I asked if he thought awkwardness would ensue if either of us started dating/sleeping with someone new.  His reply, “do you have a fuck buddy?”  Well, no, I said.  That’s not the point though.  I need him to understand that he’s not going to just waltz back into my bed and become my partner again just because we might live together.  He needs to prove that he can treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

So yeah.  How bout them apples?

Don’t get me wrong, I love the man.  I just feel this overwhelming need to protect my heart…

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Choices.

**A couple of weeks ago bf and I decided that yes, we would continue dating.  He also told me to not sit around waiting for him.  That if I became friends with someone and thought there might be something there, just let him know.  He won’t be mad.  He wants me to be happy.  So, we also decided that we would date, work on our shiz, but at the same time wouldn’t be exclusive – wait, or are we exclusive but we just keeping our options open, or …??**

I stayed with my bf over the weekend.  I’ve officially moved.  I signed up on ChristianMingle.com and eHarmony.com because I remember that he said something about not waiting around, but then I was confused because we’re exclusive, or something like that.  I felt guilty for signing up and I’ve just let the accounts sit there until I figure out what’s going on.  While he was at work yesterday (I swear I was not snooping) I found out that he has an OkCupid account.  I didn’t know if I should be mad about that.  I made dating site accounts.  But I thought this was just me that was keeping options open – wait, that doesn’t make sense either.  Oh my goodness.  So confused.  So, I decided to not be mad.  How could I be?  I did not click on the link (on his computer when you open a new tab it lists recent sites.  Mine used to do that until I did something funky and every time I open a window, google shows up. Whatever.).  I did not want to see when his account was made, or how many messages he had, or if he was meeting anyone, or etc., etc., etc.  Instead, I had a talk with my bf when he got home from work.

Me: So, I decided not to go to that interview tomorrow.
BF: Ok. Why?
Me: Well, if we’re going to be working on us, I should probably stay where I am for now.  I mean, I really like the job I have now and I have a good living situation.
BF: Might as well not mess up a good thing.
Me: Well, yeah.  But also, I think we really need to figure our shit out before I move back this way.
BF: Ok.
Me: I mean, well, are we exclusive?  I’m a little confused about that.  I mean, you said to not wait around, but we’re still together, and…
BF: Um…
Me: I’m just saying that I need more clearly defined lines.  I’m personally not comfortable with being exclusive or whatever and still dating around or something.  It has to be you and me 100% or…
BF: Just friends.
Me: Yeah.  I’m just having a hard time figuring out who we are.
BF: Well, we shouldn’t make that decision right now.
Me: I agree.  And I’m not trying to put a timeframe on this.  No pressure. Really.  I just don’t like grey areas like this.  You and me, or not.  So yeah…
BF: Ok.  I understand that.

I did such a good job not crying at all through that conversation.  My heart wants to be with him.  My brain is telling me to stand strong.  We both have choices to make, issues to think about, considerations to ponder…

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Truth and Trust.

A crucial component of being able to trust is knowing the other person is telling the truth.

The whole reason my bf and I are in this fuckeduppernshit situation is because of deceit.  Because my faith in his honesty was shaken, I now question everything that he tells me.  Every night he goes outside and “talks with his sister”.  Sometimes I know it’s legit because he’ll come back in and tell me about their conversation.  Other times I really wonder if that’s what he’s doing.  The times he’s out there for 2+ hours or the times he is vague about the conversation, I really find myself doubting what he is doing.  Sure, he may be talking on the phone, but with whom??  I hate this sinking feeling.

I went out to smoke and he wasn’t there.  I figured he was walking around talking… At that point he’d been gone for almost 2 hours.  I came back in but couldn’t stay inside for long.  I went back out and smoked again.  When I got back inside, I sat down.  Then I got up and peeked out of our window to see if he was sitting out front.  Nope.  So, I opened the front door to see what I could see.  Nothing…

**sigh**

Why?  What am I doing?  Where is this going?  How will we ever move forward if truth and trust cannot be established?

I need to cry.  I need to pray.  He and I need to talk.

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Waiting. Received. Accepted.

My alarm went off at 6am, as usual.  I hit snooze, as usual.  I got up before the snooze alarm went off.  I went to the bathroom to do my normal morning stuff.  Took a shower and then sat on the couch, cuddling with the doggy for a few minutes.  I got up to get dressed and that is when my morning started going downhill.

My nose started bleeding as I was looking for clothes to wear – not that I don’t have clothes to wear, I just couldn’t find the one shirt I wanted.  So, I grabbed a tissue from my nightstand.  I knew I was making too much noise when my boyfriend rolled over and let out a frustrated moan.  I tried to make less noise.  I’m not sure if I succeeded on the noise reduction.

Because I was having issues finding clothing that was both casual and work-appropriate, I ended up having to turn on the light, at which point my boyfriend let out an exasperated sigh.  I quickly grabbed clothes from the dresser and closet, turned out the lights, and headed to the living room in order to get dressed.

While dressing I hear my boyfriend’s alarm go off (which I thought he had forgotten to un-set the day before as I was unaware that he had to work today) which sounds like a pissed off Aunt Jemima yelling at her lazy-ass son: “Get your ass outta bed! Get up! Get up! You got stuff to do today! Get up! Get your ass outta bed!” etc.  After I finished getting dressed I hurried outside with the dog.  I needed a cigarette before facing my boyfriend, knowing he was not going to be happy about being woken up before he was actually supposed to be getting up.

As I came inside, my boyfriend was stretching in the doorway.  He informed me that he indeed did have to work today and seemed irritated that I had not remembered him mentioning said work the previous day.  I recalled him saying that he was unsure if he had to work, but did not recall any confirmation about work being mandated.

My boyfriend went outside for his I’m-awake-and-pissed-at-the-world morning cigarette.  I gathered my things, went out back to say goodbye and he’s taking a piss.  Really.  Honey.  C’mon.  Look, I don’t care if he wants to pee outside.  But it’s freaking cold this morning!  Haha.  His reaction when I stepped outside was, “Damn it woman. What do you want?!”

“Just to say goodbye.”
“Well, goodbye.” He kissed me.

I turned quickly and headed back in before the scrunched up you-hurt-my-feelings face and tears appeared.  I cried through the laundry room, up the stairs, out the front door, and into my car.  I took a deep breath and told myself, “he’s so not a morning person.”

Waiting.

I decided to wait for an apology before texting/calling him at all today.  I waited about 40 minutes before he text me.

Received.

“Sorry dear. Woke up mad. Love u.”  (I secretly hate ‘u’ when one is expressing love.)

Accepted.

“I’m sorry that I woke you up. I know you’re not really a morning person. Lol. Love you. :-)”  (I was immediately my jovial self as soon as I saw that text.  I then went on to explain the nosebleed and clothing issue and blah, blah, blah.

So, all is well in my world again.  I’m so thankful that he realized that he messed up and was more abrasive than need be.  So thankful that he apologized on his own, in his own time, and in his own way.

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