Tag Archives: Relationships

Forever Friends.

My ex has told me, “I told her she’d have to be okay with me hanging out with you.  You’re one of my best friends.  If she doesn’t like it she can go away.”

My good friend dropped by the office today to sign something for me.  We talked about an upcoming second date of his.  He said that we (he and I) should also hangout this coming Sunday.  I said, “So long as your probably-future-girlfriend is okay with it.”  Hesaid, “She’s going to have to be okay with our time together.”

Apparently I make a really good friend.  I feel a sadness knowing this.  Like, am I girlfriend worthy?  Will I ever be?  Maybe this is all back asswards.  I should be happy that I make such a good friend.  I know I should be.

Life.

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Awkward Dream.

I had a dream that my ex walked into my bedroom completely naked, with a boner.  I got up and went about my day and he followed me everywhere – naked, with a boner.  And his girlfriend was trailing behind him with a smile plastered to her face.  She was wearing a fancy dress.  If someone referred to her, they called her “Swamp Hag Big Bangs.”  I felt a mixture of pleasure and pity at the teasing.  Really, the dream was quite awkward.  My ex, naked, with a boner.  His girlfriend, following along.

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Why Am I Here?

I’m at my ex’s.  I’m mooching his internet/tv.  I was looking around on Match.  A 38-yr-old popped up.  I was iffy as to whether or not I’d “like” him.

Ex: What do you have against 38-yr-olds?
Me: Nothing.  I just, I don’t know.
Ex: I’m dating a 37-yr-old.
Me: Huh?
Ex: Yeah, that chick I’ve gone on two dates with.
Me: Are you guys dating dating? Like official?
Ex: Yeah.
Me: Why am I here then?
Ex: What do you mean?
Me: (Men are so thick.)  Why am I here when you have a girlfriend?
Ex: You’re my friend. We’re hanging out.
Me: But. I don’t want her to not trust you. I don’t want to be a problem.
Ex: I told her you’re my best friend and that we’ll be hanging out.
Me: But would she really be okay with me staying the night? I mean, I know we’re not ‘doing’ anything, but still.
Ex: I told her we’d be hanging out and she has to be okay with that.

Okay, I get what he’s saying.  I do.  But I feel a bit ambushed.  Like, what?  You have a girlfriend? You have a girlfriend. And I’m hanging out with you.  Watching basketball, walking the dog, talking shit about your boss…

She is out of town at a wedding…

I’m here.

I feel awkward now.

Why am I here?

(Sigh.)

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Bittersweet First Date.

I had a date last night.  A first date with a tall man.  Tall Guy and I met of OKC.  We chatted via messaging for a couple of days and then we exchanged phone numbers.  We texted and called each other, and yesterday morning Tall Guy asked, “Can I take you out to dinner tonight?”  Um, pass up free food? “Of course!” I replied.  Really though, I was excited.

I. Was. Excited.

All day long I was a happy person.  I was really productive at work.  I had an 11 1/2 hour work day and I didn’t even mind.  My poor intern was having a horrid day with some personal issues.  I would listen to her, and I would (try to) be compassionate.  I was probably not a very good friend because of my cheeriness.

We were supposed to meet around 7pm at the restaurant I chose (I hate choosing).  After I got back to my office, I quickly got into my car and headed to the restaurant.  And then, out of nowhere, I started crying.  I called my ex.

“I’m going on a date.”
Ok.
“With the guy who’s been snipped.”
Ok…
“I’ve been excited about it all day.”
Then why do you sound like you’ve been crying?
“Because it just hit me that it’s not you.  I mean I knew it wasn’t going to be you.  But I don’t want it to be him.  I want you.”
I’m sorry dear.
“It’s like I’ve been happy all day long and now I’m not.  We were supposd to get married in July and now I’m going on a first date.”
You’re going to be fine.
“I know.  But I don’t want to be fine with anyone else.  I’m just… I’m sad because this will never be you again.”
You never know.  Maybe someday.  Just not right now.
“But that’s just it.  I can’t be waiting around for you to be ready.  I have to move forward with my life.  And that means I have a first date that I’m actually looking forward to and somehow that makes me sad.”
Yes you do.  Don’t be sad.  Stop crying.  You’re going to look a mess for your date.  Think of something that makes you mad about me so you can have a good time with him.  I want you to be happy.
(Both laughing)
“Thanks for talking to me.  I’m sorry I called you about this.”
Yeah, I was probably the worst person to talk to about it.  But hey, we’ll always be friends.  No matter what.
“Thank you.”

So, I cleaned up my face and met up with Tall Guy.  We had good conversations.  I didn’t feel that chemistry spark.  But I am going to give Tall Guy a real chance.  He really is a good guy.

That was a very bittersweet first date.

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Moving Craziness.

Earlier this week a friend really punched my emotions in the stomach.  This was part of the conversation:

“Is your ex going to help move you?”
“I don’t know.  He’s being noncommittal right now.”
“At least he’s consistent.”

Ouch.  That hurt.

That all said, this friend has been tremendous!  He has let me use his garage to store all of my belongings until I can get into my new apartment.  He has let me use his bed while I wait.  And he has helped me move everything over in the last couple of days and will be helping me move it all into my apartment tomorrow.  I have to say he’s a good friend.  And he’s honest.  And blunt.

This is the moving craziness:

Last week my landlady said, “hey we have to be out by the 1st”.  I thought, holy crap that’s next weekend.  Then she says, “I need you to have all of your stuff out by Thursday night.”  WHAT?!  I quickly found a new apartment to live in and then had to figure out what to do with my things from Thursday to Saturday.  I have to say, my friend is amazing.  He didn’t have to let me invade his space and home.  I didn’t even ask. He volunteered.

As for my ex? He has a date tomorrow night and can’t help.  What-the-fuck-ever.  I need to let him go.  I need to move on.  This moving craziness needs to extend to my heart.  As I move, move on.  Just let it all go.  Try, try, try…

Heartbreak is a terrible thing.

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If We Were Still Dating.

If we were still dating, I’d be revising and rechecking and re-editing my checklists and address lists and guest lists for our wedding.  If we were still dating I’d be making final decisions on the wedding colors so that the bridesmaids and groomsmen would know what to buy.  If we were still dating we’d be getting married in 6 months from yesterday.

I miss you.

I love you still.

I’m sorry.

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Dinner, Movies, Sleep.

I had a nice evening yesterday.  After working 8 1/2 hours on a Saturday, I went to my friend’s home to hang out.  We went to dinner at Glory Days.  We’re both trying to making healthier eating choices so we got the nutritional info for all of their foods from a website and made healthier decisions than we would have without the guidance of that chart.  I had a Swiss Mushroom and Onion Burger with a side of Redskin Potatoes.  We spit an appetizer of Fried Pickles.  I drank water.  My entire meal was 930 calories.  For a restaurant, I’d say that’s not too shabby.

We had a good time at the restaurant.  We talked about social worky things, life stuff, jobs, goals for 2014, etc.

We then went and saw American Hustle.  What a great movie!  I’ve been wanting to see it (and I may see it again today) and since the time for that movie was convenient, we saw it.  When my friend asked me why I wanted to see the movie I said, “Jennifer Lawrence is in it.”  Then he asked what the movie was about.  “I’ve watched the previews, but I’m not really sure what it’s all about.  But it looks good.”  Lol.  So we watched the preview together and he came to the same conclusion I did.  And we both ended up loving the movie!

I got home just after 10pm.  I watched 1 1/2 episodes of Call the Midwife.  I kept drifting off during the second episode so I closed my laptop, rolled over, and went to sleep…

This morning I wake up and couldn’t figure out what had happened.  My laptop sits atop a small radiator (that I do not use).  When I woke up my laptop was on the floor, upside down.  Wouldn’t I have heard my laptop fall in the night? What caused my laptop to fall in the first place?  Thankfully I had closed my laptop before falling asleep.  And thankfully no more damage is done to my computer than was already done from my year of use and abuse of it.

I got up and went to the bathroom.  When I came back I realized that the jeans I wore yesterday were in the living room.  I remember stripping my clothes in the bedroom.  The rest were still in a pile at the side of my bed.  How on earth did my jeans get way over there?

Maybe I was sleep walking last night.  That happens from time to time.

Now I need to get upstairs, shower, and figure what I’m gonna wear today…  It’s a big day!  I’m going to hangout with my ex…  I’m kind of excited about it.  I haven’t seen him since just before Christmas.  And I really do miss the man.  I keep reminding myself that this is not a date (right?) and that I will come home tonight (most likely) and that I will not put up with any bullshit (absolutely!).

I don’t know what to wear though.  Jeans and t-shirt?  Jeans and nice shirt?  Too cold for a skirt, really.  Are sweats too casual? Khakis too formal?

Decisions, decisions, decisions…

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