Tag Archives: Trust

Truth and Trust.

A crucial component of being able to trust is knowing the other person is telling the truth.

The whole reason my bf and I are in this fuckeduppernshit situation is because of deceit.  Because my faith in his honesty was shaken, I now question everything that he tells me.  Every night he goes outside and “talks with his sister”.  Sometimes I know it’s legit because he’ll come back in and tell me about their conversation.  Other times I really wonder if that’s what he’s doing.  The times he’s out there for 2+ hours or the times he is vague about the conversation, I really find myself doubting what he is doing.  Sure, he may be talking on the phone, but with whom??  I hate this sinking feeling.

I went out to smoke and he wasn’t there.  I figured he was walking around talking… At that point he’d been gone for almost 2 hours.  I came back in but couldn’t stay inside for long.  I went back out and smoked again.  When I got back inside, I sat down.  Then I got up and peeked out of our window to see if he was sitting out front.  Nope.  So, I opened the front door to see what I could see.  Nothing…

**sigh**

Why?  What am I doing?  Where is this going?  How will we ever move forward if truth and trust cannot be established?

I need to cry.  I need to pray.  He and I need to talk.

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Explantion. Sort of.

Some shit has gone down between me and my fiance boyfriend… whatever he is…

I have cried my eyes dry several times over the last two weeks.  We’re still together. Sort of.  Trust is such a fragile, precious ideal (is that the word I’m looking for?).  Once Trust has been nicked, Jealousy and Suspicion seep into the wound.  Once Jealously and Suspicion are present in the midst of Trust, Sneakiness and Creeping take over, at which point, Surprise and Sorrow become mingled together and eventually Devastation is born.  Sometimes, Jealously and Suspicion end up being pleasantly surprised when they find that Loyatly has been kept intact.  At that point Respect and Trust grows together to form Deep Appreciation.

This was not my case.  Devastation was definitely born.

I will not go into exactly what happened.  I’m sure you may be able to figure that out. Sort of.

At this point my boyfriend and I have “started over”.  How do we do that?  How do we go back to the beginning?  Before the beginning?  We know each other.  We know so much… And we will each know what the other has done to cause the current situation.

Can Trust truly be healed once Devastation has born his ugly head?

My boyfriend’s sister is in her own crisis.  She and her husband are (finally) getting a divorce (probably).  Sidenote: I do not condone or support flippant decisions to divorce.  This has been a looonng time coming.  Really, she should have left him long ago.  Anyway, she wants to move to our area.  She wants to get a place for her, her kids, and my boyfriend.  I’m not part of the equation.

My boyfriend thinks this will give us an opportunity to actually start dating properly again.  I see his point.  And maybe an actual separation like this would be good for us.  Maybe Trust can be learned or earned again after a true separation and new beginning.

I’m not sure what I’m to do though… My boyfriend and I have lived together for over 1 1/2 years.  Speaking financially, I rely on him for half of the rent money.  Our rent really isn’t that bad for our location.  I doubt I could afford an apartment on my own.  Unfortunately we moved more than 3 hours away from the last place we lived and I know very few people in this area.  What am I to do??  Post an ad on Craigslist for a freaking roommate?!  I have enough stuff to fill a 1 BR apartment by myself.  I have my own furniture.  If I move into an established apartment, with someone looking for a housemate, chances are that my furniture will need to go into storage.

**sigh**

Logistically, I think this is a good idea.  This would give us time to each really think about our current situation and figure out what is best for us as individuals and as a couple.

I have felt as though I am on the verge of a panic attack for nearly two weeks.  My mind keeps recounting everything we’ve said and done… Everything that hasn’t been said and done…

I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know where to go.  I don’t know…………….  I just don’t know.

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I Will NOT Be “That” Girlfriend.

On FB this morning I noticed that my boyfriend is now friends with this good-looking girl who lives in the same state, but far away, and who has no other mutual friends with me which leads me to believe that she did not go to his high school because if she did she’d be friends with some of mine and my boyfriend’s mutual friends. Then I stopped that train of thought. I will NOT be the over-bearing girlfriend who blows every little thing out of proportion. I truly trust him – without a doubt.

I do believe that some level of jealousy is always good in a relationship, but there is a point at which the jealousy is overboard. Healthy jealousy shows your significant other that you are serious and committed. Over-doing the jealousy shows an unhealthy, anxious attachment.

This girl could be another vendor at the shows. She could’ve been in the Army with him. Maybe they were neighbors at some point. I don’t know. I do know that I am okay with him having female friends because I know that he loves ME.

Good day.

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